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Reassurance needed

(12 Posts)
JohPa Tue 04-Mar-14 13:00:15

Hi, seem to have got myself in a bit of a tangle & don 't feel that I can share with frie ds & family. Things have been a struggle between myself & my dh for at least the last year, probably longer if I'm honest. Normal stuff, he works f/t & I'm nearly f/t & the main breadwinner, I also do most household tasks, school/nursery run, manage the finances, plan holidays etc etc. Things have come to a head recently when I discovered that he hid credit card debt from me (again) & when he put work first when he had a commitment to look after our dd & ds for a day @ 1/2 term - he assumed I would just take a carer's day from work. So things have been rocky, we've tried counselling, talking etc lots of promises get made but are short lived. I should also say that I'm not perfect, I can be q volatile & shout at the children & him when I'm cross, sometimes this is work/life stress spilling over which I know isn't right & certainly isn't pretty. A couple of weeks ago he inadvertently opened a porn site on his 'phone in front of me, apparently a guy @ work had mentioned it etc etc. What bothered me the most was that our children could also have accidently been exposed to it - we tend to leave our phones around. They didn't actually see anything though. Last nite I turned on the laptop which couldn't have been shut down correctly, it restored the last browser session & I was immediately confronted by a nude woman giving a guy a blow job. I felt & still feel, physically sick that he again risked our children (aged 5 & 2) being exposed to this accidentally. When I confronted him he admitted that he has looked at porn throughout our marriage several times a month or when he feels v stressed. Again, it's not the porn per se it's his stupidity & inability to clean up after himself, how could he risk the children seeing this when we logged on to watch cbeebies ?? Also, we have always had mismatched libidos, I want more sex, but he has rejected me many, many times & we've only had sex a handful of times since our ds so I feel completely betrayed. Sorry to ramble, just can't talk to anyone close to me. I've told him he will have to stay elsewhere for a couple of weeks but dread telling the children & the emotional distress I know will follow but I also know that our arguements are not a healthy environment for them either. Just feel so alone.

JohPa Tue 04-Mar-14 13:46:27


aw11 Tue 04-Mar-14 13:51:32

He doesn't sound very good with technology. Is it really the porn you don't like? If so, tell him. Sounds like you're both stressed out, how did councelling go?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 04-Mar-14 13:52:20

Sadly, you're not all that alone. If it's any reassurance, I think you've done the right thing asking him to stay somewhere else for a while. What you're battling, it sounds like, is a fairly hard-wired irresponsible streak both in terms of attitude to domestic matters, lying about spending, making false promises and carelessness about porn use. In addition, that you're being rejected sexually in favour of porn is personally very insulting and unacceptable.

You sound very stressed and with good reason given that you seem to be trying shoulder the whole burden. You mention counselling which appears to have been unsuccessful. Are you sure there's no-one you trust enough to talk to IRL? A friend or family member? You don't have to give the full gory details but sometimes someone listening can be supportive enough to give you the strength to move forward.

WhateverTrevor83 Tue 04-Mar-14 14:14:16

Hi OP,

Sorry don't know if I can advise but just wanted to say that you sound (understandably) nackered and him making it so obvious he's been doing this is quite irresponsible/inconsiderate (RE kids and laptop).

Good luck with every thing and sounds like some space could be just what the doctor ordered. At least if he isn't very helpful it won't be a huge shock when it's just you doing everything.

Please don't feel alone thanks

Jan45 Tue 04-Mar-14 14:23:47

Everything Cog said, he's being extremely inconsiderate and disrespectful, watching porn a few times a month but yet rejects you, for me, that would be a deal breaker. Does he care about anything???

JohPa Tue 04-Mar-14 14:25:18

He has never been v adventurous in the bedroom with me so I'm a bit surprised that he has been using porn regularly & for so long - we've been married for 7 years. Feels like another rejection I think, he's obviously interested in sex just not with me. Wonder if subconciously he wanted to be discovered to force a decision as we've mentioned seperating before usually during an arguement. Neither of us seems to have the conviction to make a break but we're not fully committed to trying to change & make it work either. I worry about the effect all the tension in the house sometimes affects the children. They obviously know all is not well & it affects their behaviour, so worried about them. I'm v close to my mum & she does know some of whats gone on but manages not to voice too much of an opinion. Think I'm probably ashamed tbh, it's difficult to talk to people as most know us both so it would affect those friendships. Feel I should be able to make it work, I'm normally very decisive but its so final, can't honestly tell you that I love him either though & don't think he loves me.

MissScatterbrain Tue 04-Mar-14 14:29:49

Please use paragraphs to make your posts easier to read.

What was your sex life like before DC?

I wonder if he has a whore/madonna complex.

JohPa Tue 04-Mar-14 14:46:34

Sorry, should be working not typing on my phone feeling sorry for myself.

JohPa Tue 04-Mar-14 14:52:33

Sex life ok before DC, I have always wanted more sex than him though.
Have never been skinny & self confidence at all time low since gaining weight post DC. Am definitely an emotional eater which doesn't help.

Jan45 Tue 04-Mar-14 15:13:03

All I can say is children grow up very fast, it's really unfair to expose them to a household that is full of resentment and arguments, put your kids first, you won't regret it.

MissScatterbrain Tue 04-Mar-14 15:19:54

If your sex life was less than great, then it is very unlikely it will improve.

Has he always used porn? Heavy porn users tend to have less desire for real life sex or have sexual difficulties due to the different techniques required.

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