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my poor dd

(152 Posts)
sosadfordd Tue 04-Mar-14 08:50:27

oh dear, what can I do.
my poor dd lives abroad, she desperately wants to come back "home" but has nowhere to go.

she is 51 years old, penniless (victim of serious abuse from ex husband, emotional , physical and financial)
she has nowhere to go except to come back to me.
we- dh ( stepfather -and myself- have a large house, mortgage free, and could help her.

but, my dh refuses to allow her to stay with us until she can "sort herself out"
I feel as though I support dh, financially,-it is my house- yet can't help my dd in her time of need.
I know I should simply say, she is coming to stay with us, but the fallout will be tremendous for us all.
my head is spinning.
we are both senior citizens, but fit and healthy, with not a care in the world, but my heart breaks for dd.
please help anyone.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 04-Mar-14 08:56:04

Easy. Get shot of DH and welcome DD back with open arms! Bugger the fall-out. The man you're supporting financially is an utter knob.

gobbynorthernbird Tue 04-Mar-14 08:59:04

Buy your DD a plane ticket home. Ship her in and the husband out.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 04-Mar-14 08:59:50

What does he mean by "sort herself out"? Does he have a good point or is he just being awkward for the sake of it/a quiet life? Would she be going to stay for long and what kind of trouble would she bring in her wake?

If he's just being a mean old bugger I'd say sod the fallout and give your daughter shelter as long as she needs it.

Mummytobe2014 Tue 04-Mar-14 09:01:55

Agree with above dd is your priority imo! I wld be heartbroken if my mum was unable to offer me solice when i needed it because of a step father. If its your house its your decision. Welcome dd back asap smile
Plus the start of her "sorting herself out" is moving home and trying to move on with her life from what sounds like a very painful relationship.

TanteRose Tue 04-Mar-14 09:02:21

Put your daughter first - welcome her back

she can find her feet once she has the security of your home

Holdthepage Tue 04-Mar-14 09:04:57

Your DH is being a selfish pig. Help your DD she sounds like she needs your help desperately.

sosadfordd Tue 04-Mar-14 09:05:32

well, initially she will need a safe and loving environment to charge up her life batteries.
then to find work, she is very resourceful, and i'm positive she can go forward with the right loving support from me.
yes a quiet life is dh's ideal, he would never support anyone at all, as long as he was okay.
she would need to stay at least 5/6 months.
no trouble at all, apart from mending her heart/life.
yes, he is a mean miserable old bugger, that's for sure

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 04-Mar-14 09:06:12

Mean, miserable, selfish.... why on earth do you give him house-room?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 04-Mar-14 09:07:03

BTW... when you said 'fall-out', what exactly would happen?

ithaka Tue 04-Mar-14 09:09:44

He sounds like my mum's DH. In fairness, i could never move in with them, even if I was penniless on the street, as he would be so unutterably vile.

My mum has always put her DH first & I have learned to accept that, but it grinds my gears that she will then lean on me for support when he is nasty to her.

Ideally, you would leave the selfish shit, but based on my mum I know you won't. So is there any other way you could support your daughter - with a loan for a deposit on a flat? Or act as guarantor for a bank loan?

AnyFucker Tue 04-Mar-14 09:15:01

What ?

I see women still put their relationship with a man before the welfare of their children even into old age ?

Have you learned nothing in this life ?

Your epitaph should be interesting hmm

myroomisatip Tue 04-Mar-14 09:16:29

What an awful situation. All I can say if I were in your shoes I would have my daughter back straight away. If your 'D'H does not like it then he can move out.

And if he thought he was going to make life uncomfortable I would pack his bags for him.

EirikurNoromaour Tue 04-Mar-14 09:27:48

What will the fallout be? Is he abusive to you? I can't for the life if me understand why you would put a mean, selfish old man's desire for a quiet life over your daughter.

EirikurNoromaour Tue 04-Mar-14 09:28:05

Unless he's abusive to you I meant to say.

Blueuggboots Tue 04-Mar-14 09:30:31

Tell him to button it! It's YOUR house, therefore YOUR decision if you choose to support YOUR daughter.
Tell him if he doesn't like it, he can bugger off move out.

ThefutureMrsTatum Tue 04-Mar-14 09:31:07

it's not even a dilemma, your child comes first surely from the minute she was born until the minute you breathe your last - you need to care for her. 'D'H needs to suck it up and realise where your priorities rightly lie.

Evie2014 Tue 04-Mar-14 09:33:29

Your house, your decision. Let your daughter come to stay.

Fallout, how ridiculous. I think you need to be very firm with your husband. There are things more important than tiptoeing around a spoiled person who just wants his own way.

livingzuid Tue 04-Mar-14 09:35:34

When I split from my X all I wanted was a safe haven for a few weeks back in the UK so I could sort myself out, find work, move out again etc. All I wanted to hear was 'get home, we'll sort it out when you get back'.

Instead I got what your dd is currently getting. My mother putting my stepdad in front of me yet again for his quiet life and selfish reasons. It was the final sever in our relationship and devastated me.

Please don't do that to your dd. Please get her home where you can help her. Age doesn't matter, we always want and need the support of our friends.

profplumagain Tue 04-Mar-14 09:35:55

I agree with the sentiment of the posters above, but it's not that simple if the OP is married. The house is not "hers". It is a marital asset. If she kicks out DH then she will probably need to sell the house to provide the divorce settlement for him (if it has been a long relationship, it will be split 50:50). That's a big decision.

How hard have you tried to talk to DH about this, OP? How intractable is he? Can you get in a little wedge eg get him to agree to DD coming for a week, and then another etc? Then make it simplest for him to agree to her staying than to kicking her out?

livingzuid Tue 04-Mar-14 09:36:07

Friends doh meant mothers and families.

Holdthepage Tue 04-Mar-14 09:37:13

This wouldn't be a dilemma for me. I would tell him to like or lump it. Your house, your choice as to who lives there.

Cabrinha Tue 04-Mar-14 09:39:17

This could be a really hard decision if your husband really didn't want to share living space for a good reason and you loved him.
You don't sound as if you like him.
Why not welcome your daughter back and celebrate together getting rid of the bad men from your lives?
Well done to your daughter for being brave enough to get rid of an abusive husband.

mayihaveaboxofchoculaits Tue 04-Mar-14 09:40:10

God willing, you dd will be in and out of your house in 6 months.
You will lose your husband,and will be lonely, in your old age.
You can't gaurentee that your dd will stay close to you.
I can understand your fears.


What you dd needs is certainly not unreasonable, if you don't help her ,you will remember it as a time you could of helped, but someone stood in your way, and you put them ahead of what you know to be right . it will niggle and then diminish you.

Your marriage to a man who, you admit " will never support anyone at all, as long as hes ok", who gets between a mother and daughters needs, sounds like its sunk. This is your wake up call.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 04-Mar-14 09:40:17

Why on earth should the OP have to persuade someone to let their own step-daughter escape abuse and stay?

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