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Disgusted with myself(20 Posts)
I apologise in advance for how long this will be.
I was a single mother of 2 when I first met my partner. I had come out of an abusive relationship with my children's father. I will be honest the first time I saw him I thought he was bad news. I never really went out and it was on my second night out I saw him. He seemed to "select" me and follow me around from the first I really wasn't flattered I found him almost desperate in his pursuit although he was/is very attractive. Anyway I escaped but we had a mutual friend so when we met up another 5 months later I was interested and he was still. We got on really well and I fell in love with him he had some truly lovely traits in fact he has a good personality unless he is drunk. We saw each other for a few months but it became very apparent that he had real drinking problems and I found myself becoming too accommodating of his needs ahead of those of my children. He accused me of cheating and had tried to give me responsibility for preventing him drinking so much which sparked arguments that I couldn't and didn't want to deal with so I dumped him.
Two years later and I still heard from him now and then and I was reminded of how lovely he is and so I went to see him. He had a girlfriend at the time which was fine of course but the feelings and the chemistry was still there. I did some work for him in a house he was renovating. He broke up with his girlfriend as he didn't see a future with her. We got back together and he introduced me to his family and his children from a previous relationship. The problem with the drinking was still there though but not quite as bad however again I found myself not doing what I needed and I guess not saying what I thought or being how I wanted to. He was vile when hung over and then became increasingly more often.
I fell pregnant after a year of us being together. I really shouldn't have as in it ought not to have been possible but obviously we had talked of marriage and children and we practically lived together albeit split between each of our houses. I was given the ultimatum either have an abortion or go it alone. He said his family and his ex wife and children would not accept us having a child out of wed lock but also that he did not want to be trapped with me and he would hate and resent both me and t he baby forever. This was not a man who loved me or had any intention of spending the rest of his life with me so I chose the baby. He then decided he was suicidal and took to leaving evil cruel messages but I just repeated your choice please get help to deal with your drinking. He then got a new girlfriend which he rejoiced in telling me about and I told myself I made a lucky escape.
I got everything ready, bought a house went to work looked after children and accepted that I was alone. Every day I picked myself up and kept going I have no real friends and didn't tell my parents who live oversees. He kept contacting me but only in the middle of the night drunk and suicidal because of me. The new girlfriend now had breast cancer. I moved house he didn't need to know where I lived I didn't have to pick up the phone I didn't have to keep listening and getting so stressed and upset but I did. I took pity on him because he was so upset. Then sure enough I let him come round and it was back to square one except he was angry and he wanted consolation regarding the difficulties he was having emotionally dealing with his cancer riddled "soul mate" however I should be happy because he was there with me.
Despite his original proclamations of being sorry for dumping me it became oh well you dumped yourself and if I said I was scared uncomfortable etc I was told oh I didn't tell you to be pregnant. He wanted to come round and get drunk or he wouldn't come at all. In the end he wasn't there for the birth he decided to have his children and he came for ten minutes when I told him she was born and didn't come again for a week I was completely alone.
When I asked it was because he didn't want to be with me anymore in case I got pregnant again! I was still bleeding and hadn't even considered sex yet I was dumped alone because he didn't want another baby! I thought he must be joking but now I realise he wasn't. That's because in spite of that I still let him turn up when he feels. It sounds petty maybe but he doesn't even put a kiss not the end of text messages and he never asks how I am or how his child is. We hit an all time low last week when he turned up with his mate. The same mate who told him I was trapping him and he should stay away from me because I was trying to screw him for CSA. My children were sat there at the table eating their dinner and I hid in the kitchen. I was told I should at leAst offer him a drink. His friend asked me whether she slept etc I wanted him out of my house I was rude but I answered and waited for him to go. Why does this matter well it is my house my safety invaded by someone who thinks I am a piece of rubbish and the baby ought not exist.
Anyway I was ignored for the week and I admit I am hurt I find myself always waiting to hear from him. No one else ever calls I have no friends and the kids adore him. Saturday comes and I tell myself my children live me and they need me to be happy and with it. Yet. Of course 3am Sunday morning he texts to say he is so depressed he just wants a hug. I read this at 9 am I didn't respond surely he is somewhere sleeping it off but no 10:30 he calls on my house phone wants to see the baby can he come round. Sure I said yes again except what he wants is to hug the baby, be fed and then go to bed because he is horny when he is hung over and it helps him sleep. And I allow myself to be used. Sure I am good I give the food I put the baby to sleep I leave the kids to watch tv and I give myself. I don't enjoy it I feel used and dirty. He goes to sleep and I go make the kids lunch telling them to be quiet for him. When the baby wakes I go and get her so he can sleep. The kids ran up and disturbed him so he comes down to tell me he is leaving because he needs his sleep it is 2pm and I was almost apologetic.
That was yesterday. I didn't sleep last night because I was disgusted with myself again. That I am hurt. That I allow my children to see this Uncle come and go and that I have zero self respect. That I have this little baby that he won't even tell his Family about. That I always respond and that each time I am hopeful. If he loved and had any respect he wouldnt have dumped me for being pregnant so what am I doing to myself and my children and why do I allow it to happen. How do I rebuild my self esteem and my confidence and put a stop to this? Am I depressed? Why am I so weak and stupid now?
Sound like he has undermined you when you were already vulnerable, and I know how hard it is to extract yourself from that kind of treatment from someone. Is there anywhere you can get some real life support?
You do need reali life support darling. Can you try speaking to Women's Aid?
Instead of using these feelings to be hard on yourself use it as your turning point and your learning curve to move on and be stronger. We've all done things that in hindsight we've regretted but use this feeling and experience to be positive and move on. You can do it and we all do daft things sometimes so please don't be down on yourself
Sorry, I see you posted this a while ago and I only just read it.
I think that you are going to have to be even braver than you already have been, and cut this man off from your mental and physical space completely. And don't even waste the emotional energy pretending that he has something to offer your children. He doesn't. Not now, probably not ever.
I think you have to cut contact with him. It will hurt a bit at first, but it will be so worth it.
I can see you have the strength and intelligence. Be good to yourself.
Lou your post is one of the saddest I have read for a long time.
You know full well he's using you in every way possible. He won't tell his family about the beautiful baby you have. You allow your dc to see him treat you like this.
Next time he calls, don't answer. You don't actually have to speak to him or see him. If he wants contact with the baby, then he can go to a solicitor. But he won't, will he?
You do not have to let this man or any of his pathetic friends into your home. What you need us support in rl. Is there anyone you can talk to? What's your health visitor like? Do you have a local children's centre that you can start using to get to know other mums?
Surround yourself with nice people. Not this cretin of man. I would also suggest contacting Women's Aid for advice and from what others have said, the Freedom Program might be a good idea.
You can walk away from this man and build a life for you and your dc. You deserve it.
Little by little, step by step. There is some good advice here, you and your children deserve so much better.
Thank you all for your responses. I didn't really think or expect that you would think it was abuse and thought you would think I should just "Man up" and tell him it was over and somehow take responsibility. It's reassuring that you understand how hard it is for me but also made me very very sad. I had my health visitor magically appear on the door step (they always say they sent a letter but I never get one) and she asked how I was so I explained to her and I am really glad you advised me to. She luckily doesn't think I have post natal depression or need social services etc she agrees that I am being emotionally bullied and just need some support to have the confidence to be able to separate myself from him.
This is good but I am scared of him and don't know how to tell anyone without sounding mad but he keeps telling me things. He told me the other day that him and his mate killed someone once. A week ago he said that he beat his sister up a few years ago. A couple of weeks ago he told me how he beat up a man in a bar and graphically described how badly he had injured him. A year ago his nephew kicked his way into his Mums house so when he saw him leaving he got in his car and ran him over on purpose and then got his other nephew to lie to the police and say he didn't. Why would he suddenly start telling me this stuff unless he wants me to be scared? I don't disbelieve him either. His behaviour towards me is also much worse than I originally wrote and I didn't say because I am too ashamed to say some things. I really do feel terrible about it all especially for my children's sake but he has only just told me these things but I guess the question is can I safely extract us from this situation?
Also if I do tell everything properly to whoever the health visitor refers me to what will happen. I really don't want him to come around my house anymore but I also don't want to threaten to call the police or anything. As Finola said he won't want to go to a solicitor but that's why it is so scary because his only means of access is via me. He says he knows all the people who live on my street. Has he decided to just purposely make me paranoid and I need to not think like that?
Yes. He has tried to make you paranoid and sounds as though he's succeeding. What a nasty nasty person.
Somehow you need to find a way to break the hold he has on you. Talking to your health visitor was a really good brave start.
You need some friends. Are there any groups you can go to? A park nearby for your kids?
I would suggest your firstly dial 101 - ask for the DV unit and tell them your story. The FULL story.
All the things he has told you and tell them you are petrified of him (which you sound like you are).
They can help protect you and put you on a priority list so if you dial 999 then they will be there quickly.
If he comes round at all after you have reported him then you dial 999 straight away and tell them you need help to get him away from you.
After talking to the police you call Womens aid 0808 2000 247.
You tell them all about this and they can help you with this.
You need to keep a log of everything he's said or done to you (I would imagine he has been violent towards you as well).
Detach and ignore him from now on. Keep all incremenating texts etc... but do not rise to them and do not reply to them at all.
I do hope you can get this vile creature out of your life.
It sounds like hell.
If you have no-one in RL close by do you have people further away.
Could you move away entirely to be free of him?
So sorry you find yourself in this situation.
First things first though - dial 101 and after that dial 0808 2000 247.
You can do this for your own sake as well as DC.
incriminating sorry for terrible spelling.
He is telling you those awful vile things to keep you in your place. Chances are they are not true/hugely embellished and that he will be known to police already. That said, he is extremely dangerous imo and you shouldn't let him cross your threshold ever again. He's counting on keeping you scared and that you won't involve professional services to keep him from abusing you more. If you want to tell your HV then do so.
Brilliant advice by hells and you may also wish to seek legal advice about contact with your dd. Do you really wish for her and your dcs to have any exposure to this man?
You sound lovely please stay strong. He is not a good man and not a good father. Keep you and your dcs safe.
Your post made me really sad. I really hope you get some RL support.
I hope you get the support you need to leave him, you are not disgusting he is he soundscompletely toxic
He is a nasty, abusive twat. He is using you, and deliberately trying to scare you by telling you his violent past.
The good thing is that you have recognised how bad he is for you and your DCs. That must have been hard to admit. You have asked for help on here, and you have spoken to your HV- all of which are steps on the way to getting rid of him.
You now need to keep taking steps, small steps, one at a time. Speak to women's aid. If you can, tell someone in real life- a family member, maybe? Start to put some emotional distance between you- next time he contacts you, try to watch and listen to him as if he were a character on tv- what would you think of him?
What I would say, though, is to be very careful. You know you need to get rid, but he sounds dangerous. Don't tell him to go until you've taken advice and put some safety precautions in place- if he has a key, change the locks, ask a friend to come over the first night.
He really does sound like a vile piece of work OP. It is obviously not a situation that is easy to leave or to manage. You are describing very bad abuse. In your place I think most people would struggle just as you are. Have you considered that he might be a psychopath? There's a good book by Thomas Sheridan called Puzzling People The Labyrinth of the Psychopath which you might find interesting - even if you just dip into the Kindle free sample. I also just borrowed a book called The Empathy Trap from the library, which is also turning out to be quite good on the same topic.
Louloo - I just wanted to send you virtual hugs, and to say: please, please listen to the posters above who are saying that you need real life help and support. This man is emotionally and physically abusive. You deserve so much better. But more than that - your kids deserve so much better. Children model themselves on what they see and know. Do you really want him to be their idea of how a man ought to behave?
I really wish I could give you a hug right now.
Great advice from other posters.
Can you go to some baby groups and get chatting to other mums? Not necessarily for support, but just for friendship and some fun.
You deserve to be happy.
Louloo, he doesn't love you and he never did. He saw someone who was vulnerable and locked on. He is using some very unpleasant tactics to keep you scared and vulnerable, and thereefore where he wants you.
As said, ring 101 and ask for the DV Unit then tell your story. Don't minimise it.
Ring Women's Aid and tell them too.
Find out if there's something like The Freedom Programme in your area - ask your GP or Women's Aid - and then get yourself on it.
You are being abused by this bit of scum. You do ot have to let him into your house, you do not have to feed him, you do not have to speak to him, you do not have to do anything for him.
Louloo: Order Bancroft Lundy's "Why Does He Do That?" It will open your eyes....
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