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Why does it hurt?

(9 Posts)
RealUnreality Mon 03-Mar-14 19:23:28

Haven't spoken to anyone in RL, nor do I plan to, so I hope you MNers don't mind me getting this off my chest.....

My ex was an abusive cheating arse to cut a long story short. He went off with OW 6 years ago.

Yes I'm well rid, doing well and happier than I was in years with him and would NEVER want him back but.....

Today I learned of him and OW having their 2nd DC, and my heart breaks for my own DC who he walked away from and does not want to know.

Finola1step Mon 03-Mar-14 19:29:51

It's really ok to feel hurt for your children. The children you love and adore. It's natural to feel hurt on their behalf. Have a bit of a cry tonight, maybe a wine and some cake. Then tomorrow morning, get up and carry on with your life as normal with your 2 lovely dc.

scornedwoman67 Mon 03-Mar-14 19:52:39

I'm sorry real

I honestly think some men cut off contact because they can't deal with the guilt of what they have done. Seeing their children is a constant reminder. It amazes me that another woman would have children with him, knowing what he has done.

You're a lovely caring mum & can give your DC's more than enough love. Hold your head high and as finola says, carry on enjoying your life with them. x

RealUnreality Mon 03-Mar-14 20:02:17

Thanks for the encouragement.

I know I'll be sad for a little while but me and DC will be fine (they don't yet know). It's just hurt after seeing all they went through with the rejection from their father.

I agree it's probably easier to walk away than to deal with the guilt.

scornedwoman67 Mon 03-Mar-14 22:38:04

wine for you.

Join in on some of the light hearted chats on here. It is great fun & you'll make some nice online friends. Lots of us are in similar positions x

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 04-Mar-14 07:29:57

I hear what you're saying and understand why you're feeling hurt but there's only one person who is losing as a result of this rejection, and that's your DCs' father. Some kids are saddled with parents that are abusive. Others have to endure being ignored despite living with them under the same roof. Yours only have one parent but it's you... so they're the lucky ones. Don't know how old your DCs are but, after six years of no contact, I'd be surprised if 'Dad' features in their thoughts at all. Is there any real reason why you'd tell them about this new addition?

Anniegetyourgun Tue 04-Mar-14 08:51:06

Spare a little sadness for that new child he's fathered too. Either he'll abandon it in due time, or worse, he won't and the poor little perisher will have to grow up with that unpleasant role model.

Still, whatever his faults, he did give you your precious DC so it's not all bad.

RealUnreality Tue 04-Mar-14 09:09:17

cogito We have been split for 6 years but the DC have only had NC for the past couple of years. My DC are from 20 to 15 years, the youngest was 8 yrs when this happened, so they were old enough for it to affect them. The DC decided no more contact after they tired of the XH being a total arse.

I'm not planning on sharing the information with them, although the youngest 2 do know she was pregnant due to fb. Due to the fb and the fact that they do not live too far from us, it's probably inevitable that they will find out at some point, and I know from numerous conversations with my DC that his relationship with OW an shim fathering DC with her and walking away from they has profoundly hurt them. That's why I feel so heartbroken for them.

Annie you are right, poor kids will have to live with him, and he is an exceptionally poor role model. Their mother is not much better, the both of them drink a lot and take recreational drugs, so I know my DC are much better off, I do neither. I love my DC and are very proud of them Meh it just hurts. I wonder sometimes how I could have messed up so badly having kids to him in the first place.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 04-Mar-14 09:14:29

If they've realised he's a total arse it will be something they carry with them - and no-one likes to think their parent is a git - but the NC decision says that they have a lot of personal integrity and confidence in spite of him. As I said, he's the real loser.

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