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different libidos and emotional abuse

(64 Posts)
whisperinglow Mon 03-Mar-14 17:10:08

I acknowledge that my dh and I have different libidos. I have never consciously refused him, I suppose I just don't initiate sex that often or give off the right signals.

Over the years this has apparently caused massive resentment on his part.

Since January 2013 I was really making a huge effort but there were a couple of 'blips' where work was very stressful (we work together) and in September he just 'changed'.

Overnight, my life just seemed to disintegrate. He behaved so appallingly, so unkindly, I just didn't know where to turn or what to do.

He refused counselling. I went on my own. My counsellor has said very bluntly that what I have described to her from over the years amounts to fairly high level emotional abuse.

My dh has now started to open up to me again and he says that everything is always triggered by my lack of desire. He just can't cope with it. He says that he was propositioned a few months ago and opportunities present themselves all the time. He feels resentful that he has to stay monogamous because we are married.

I just don't know now whether to end our relationship - 18 years and a big decision. I feel that I am always going to be on tenterhooks if there are ever any more 'blips'.

Sorry for the long post. My gut instinct is that his attitude and our relationship is all wrong but I've just got that nagging doubt that it really is all down to me.

Jan45 Mon 03-Mar-14 17:15:55

No, whatever problems you are having in a relationship, cheating is never acceptable, no matter how many times you don't appear to want sex. To me, that's all just excuses to go dip it somewhere else, instead of obeying the vows of marriage and turning any offers down. If this is really his opinion, how could you ever trust him?

Seriously something wrong with his thinking if he resent having to be monogamous when he is friggin married!

Bonkerz Mon 03-Mar-14 17:21:54

I'm the one in my relationship who feels resentful. Have been with dh for 11 years and it is him that controls the affection and sex part of our relationship! It's the main area that causes huge issues in out marriage.
Ive considered affairs but never done anything and have been honest with dh that I'm not happy living without sex.
When dh refuses my advances and hints it makes me feel rejected and like I'm not worth it. Over the years this has turned to resentment.

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 03-Mar-14 17:26:02

His issue with frequency of sex in no way justifies emotional abuse. He is another abusive man, who is 'hanging' his abuse on the sex thing. He is blaming you. I was married to an emotionally abusive idiot for 20 yrs. He finally went to far with DD and I threw him out. Never looked back. I have been sad, yes, that I stayed so long, and chose him as DD's father, but I have never regretted leaving him.

whisperinglow Mon 03-Mar-14 17:35:41

Bonkerz we don't live without sex though. We agreed on at least once a week. We were managing that until some stresses got in the way. I suppose I wasn't always getting the 'hints' before.

Val007 Mon 03-Mar-14 23:45:50

instead of obeying the vows of marriage and turning any offers down

How about obeying the vows and having sex with your husband instead?

Nobody deserves to stay in a sexless marriage. He has every right to look for happiness elsewhere.

Dirtybadger Mon 03-Mar-14 23:53:35

Wtaf no one has to have sex with anyone if they don't want to. Rape isn't in the wedding vows. Once a week doesn't sound particularly dire to me, for a long term relationship. I think your dh is being unreasonable and a dick. If he doesn't want to be married he can leave. Good luck finding a new woman for a bunk up every week!

Of course you dh has the "right to look for happiness elsewhere", he can leave, and he can do that. But you're married. He doesn't get his cake and...

Val007 Mon 03-Mar-14 23:56:30

Who is talking about rape???

If one spouse is obliged to observe the marriage vows, so is the other! It is grossly unfair otherwise.

Val007 Mon 03-Mar-14 23:59:44

I don't understand why so many women hate sex and see it as a chore. It is a wornderful pleasurable experience and denying it to your loved one (and yourself) borders to crime. In the least, it is a deathblow to the relationship. And please, do not dress the bare facts with fancy excuses. If you cannot find a solution to your lack of desire, just dump the guy so he can find a normally sexed woman for a happy relationship.

AnyFucker Tue 04-Mar-14 00:00:44

Val, you really do think that women should simply spread their legs whether they want to or not, don't you ?

OP, I think your husband is playing away and that the emotional abuse started when the shagging outside of your relationship did. Sorry.

I would end your relationship before he does. It sounds like the end to me.

Dirtybadger Tue 04-Mar-14 00:01:48

Vows? I haven't attended many weddings but there's been nothing relevant to OP's post in the vows I've heard. Except the "forsaking all others" bit.

Making someone have sex against their will is rape. That's where rape comes into it. I read your poet to mean you think op should have sex to please her partner, when she doesn't want it? So she has to respect his wishes (sex) but he doesn't have to respect hers (no sex). Solution is, assuming he cannot live in a marriage where he "only" gets sex once a week but also doesn't wish to rape his wife- that he leaves.

Val007 Tue 04-Mar-14 00:04:32

And, OP, 18 years together, and you are not prepared to give your hubby a blowjob, a handjob or any other sort of job, just to keep him satisfied? I am sure by now you will be able to achieve this in less than a minute. So what is the actual problem???

And before the feminsts start attacking me, hear this: I consider a husband a relative. Of course, not a blood relative, blimey, but a relative. The closest relative after your children. Your family, your life. If you are not prepared to make some sacrifices for your closest relative, what sort of person are you? 18 years together, you are more than relatives. You are one whole by then. What is going on?

AnyFucker Tue 04-Mar-14 00:04:58

Strangely, I don't remember the vow "I promise to put out whenever my H fancies a bit" either

Sars123 Tue 04-Mar-14 00:05:37

This is a tricky one. I can understand feeling undesired must be hard but at the same time if you make yourself have sex just to service someone's needs you may begin to feel resentment yourself! Love is not measured in sex however can be an expression of it. Have you tried different things to spice it up a bit and rekindle your interest

AnyFucker Tue 04-Mar-14 00:06:44

Sacrifices ? A blow job or a handjob is a sacrifice to keep your husband ?

Oh Val, Val, Val. I think you telling porkies here. You don't like sex at all, do you ?

Val007 Tue 04-Mar-14 00:09:12

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnyFucker Tue 04-Mar-14 00:12:07

Val, you are the one who just called sex a "sacrifice"

Get your story straight, will ya

Val007 Tue 04-Mar-14 00:14:08

Haha, Anyfucker. Take one word and blow it out of proportion.

Yes, sacrifices! I sacrifice myself, my time, my energy, my everything every single day for numerious things and mostly for my loved ones. I do not feel like going to work every day - so I sacrifice myself by going, because my kids need to eat. I do not feel like watching Peppa Pig for a millionth time, but I do, because I love my child - another sacrifice. I do not enjoy many other things that I do in fucking life, but I do them, because without sacrificing one thing for another, we will not be getting anywhere in life. If I don't sacrifice my time to go to work, I will definitely will not achieve the desired result of a wage. Come on, COMMON SENSE?

Seems like there are topics where feminism totally blacks your brains out.

AnyFucker Tue 04-Mar-14 00:15:19

Oh, I dunno, Val. Language is a powerful thing. It can reveal all kinds of things about a person.

AnyFucker Tue 04-Mar-14 00:16:28

This isn't the Feminism topic, Val. Why are you yapping about feminism. Is it on your mind a lot ?

Val007 Tue 04-Mar-14 00:21:14

Ohohoooo, touchy? Suspicious? Ease up, Anyfucker. I am not a man and you know it ;)

caramelwaffle Tue 04-Mar-14 00:22:02

What is it with all these new number names shit stirring on emotive topics?


Give the fuck over will you all.

AnyFucker Tue 04-Mar-14 00:22:30

I am easy like Sunday morning, dude. It's you that's getting your undergarments in a twist about sacrifices and feminism and shit.

Innogen Tue 04-Mar-14 00:22:49

Val, your argument doesn't hold any clout because the OP isn't denying the man a shag. She is having sex once a week.

AnyFucker Tue 04-Mar-14 00:23:15

Val has form in the "STFU and spread 'em" area

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