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I am not sure whether to trust him? Please help. Long Post

(122 Posts)
pleasehelpshaking Mon 03-Mar-14 12:25:39

Hi. NC for this. I am too ashamed to speak to RL friends about this.

DH and I are have been separated for the past 8 months. No one cheated during the marriage but he wanted the separation because he said I had changed and withdrawn from him in the previous year and wasn't the woman he fell in love with, which was true. That said, I was very shocked that he walked our rather than trying to work on it or talk to me about it. It felt at the time like he threw our (very good) marriage away without a second thought. We have 3 young DCs that love their Dad so much which made it even worse.

He was very stubborn and refused to talk to me or work on it, even insisted on NC when he collected the kids. I was devastated. I spent months crying, lost a lot of weight and did not know what to do. He said he wanted a divorce and was adamant on this.

I was in a mess, and in my effort to cheer myself up I joined match.com and went on three dates in a week and had drunken sex with one of them. Not proud of it, but I felt really low and rejected. I then had sex with an old boyfriend a few months later during a very low time. All through it though, I was missing DH and feeling devastated and would have done anything for him to come home. My behavior was just to try and make myself feel better and never once in my marriage did I ever even think about cheating or flirting. My DH was my world. He really was.

At Christmas, I phoned DH and begged him to please meet up and talk about it and he finally agreed. When we saw each other he crumbled and said right away that he still loved me and wanted to be with me but that my behavior in the past year had made him feel it was hopeless for us to get back what we had. We talked about it properly and I agreed to make the changes he wanted.

Since then he's called or seen me every day, we've spent lots of time together away from DCs and we are dating and feel "in love" again like we did at first. Things have been going very good with us. Lots of honest talks, great progress in counselling, and he has been treating me really well and apologising for leaving and saying he was "a fool" Yesterday he sent presents and a card to me out of nowhere to thank me for trying again after his foolish behavior.

I came clean with him about the match.com dates and told him I slept with someone else. I didn't tell him about the old boyfriend because I thought he would be too upset. This is the first time I have ever been less than truthful with my DH. He told me he had also joined dating sites but that he had given up on it because the women were all fake.

The thing is, I was at his house last night and he was in the shower and I was using his computer and please don't ask me why but I decided to check his internet history.

I found out that in the first months of our separation he was very VERY active on adults style dating websites. Not match.com - the sick, sex kind. He was exchanging emails with women all over the country and was even googling how to get to their address and looking at flights to go and see them and was even looking up local escorts. He was also Googling how to meet women, buying sprays to attracts women and reading articles on how to get women into bed.

This is all a lot worse than he had made it out to be and it seemed like this was all he was doing all night every night for months. It went on all night every night!

We share bank accounts so I am pretty sure he never met up with any of these women but am not 100% sure, and also not sure he did not see an escort. He was viewing their profiles.

I confronted him last night and he begged me to forgive him. He told me he had done it because he was very lonely, sad, missing me and it meant nothing. He said that after we met up at Christmas that he disconnected all the accounts and had not visited any sex sites since then (I checked the history and this seemed to be true).

The thing is thought that because the suspicion was in my mind, I kept on digging today. I think I found his profile on a very dirty website and recognise him from location and the photos (which is just of his penis but he has a distinctive one) and it said he had been active TODAY so if it IS HIM then he is on this account at work because I am still at his house. I also found his profile on another sex site and the content of it made me almost vomit "I am looking for a dirty little slut to f**k" etc.

DH and I were always very sexual, so this aspect doesn't surprise me but the fact that he left me and was actively looking for sex / dates and women instead of trying to work on our marriage for so long makes me feel sick.

I know I had sex with an old BF, but that sort of happened when we were out one night and it wasn't me who instigated. Also, on my match.com dates all I did was cry to the poor bloke about how much I loved and missed DH and I was only on it for two weeks or something.

Is this a case of "we both did wrong and put the past behind you" or is it a case of my DH perhaps being a lying, cheating bastard? I am not sure if this might just be how men react to heartbreak or whether he is just a complete bastard.

Should I send him fake messages to his profiles to check on him?

Should I confront him and make him open his personal email and let me read it, or is this going too far?

I really, really love my husband and want our marriage to work but we have never been through a trust issue before and I don't know what to do.

Before you ask, he did not leave me because of an OW so no one else was involved.

MatryoshkaDoll Mon 03-Mar-14 12:40:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pleasehelpshaking Mon 03-Mar-14 12:43:35

I don't have proof yet, just suspicion. According to his home internet he's not been on them for months.

I am just not sure whether to try and trap him. It's not my usual behavior.

MatryoshkaDoll Mon 03-Mar-14 12:46:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pleasehelpshaking Mon 03-Mar-14 12:48:25

No, it said I thought I recognised a pic of his penis but I can't be 100% sure.

MatryoshkaDoll Mon 03-Mar-14 12:48:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 03-Mar-14 12:50:32

I wouldn't trust him, no. I was in a similar positiong a couple of years, except I thought we were reasonably happily married at the time.... I considered trying to trap him online. Then I thought 'what's the point' if he is capable of this we have more problems than just my being able to prove it. You have all the proof you need I think. Maybe it is just something you are, understandably, finding difficult to accept as you want to believe your relationship is back on track. Sorry, I don't feel this is the case. Also, someone who will refer to findin 'a dirty little slut to fuck' really doesn't respect women.

Jan45 Mon 03-Mar-14 13:07:31

I thought right away he wanted off to shag about, and as for the sex sites, how many is he on fgs and putting pics up of his penis, sorry but that's not being lonely, that's being a bit sad and twisted.

Up to you if you really want him but no, I certainly wouldn't trust him, he sounds quite perverse and not someone trying to build his marriage back up.

pleasehelpshaking Mon 03-Mar-14 13:09:24

I feel sick. How can you be married for 6 years and be this shocked about someone. I was home crying my eyes out and this is what he was off doing. Or trying to do.

Jan45 Mon 03-Mar-14 13:14:12

Tbh, you can't truly trust anyone 100% in life and I don't mean to sound pessimistic, we are all capable of things that others wouldn't think. Perhaps it was mostly fantasy for him but to actually put a pic up of your genatalia, for me is just a bit too far.

As has been said, don't you be hard on yourself, in comparison, you have been a saint. By all means carry on dating him but keep in your mind what he is capable of, it doesn't mean you can't work things out.

pleasehelpshaking Mon 03-Mar-14 14:07:00

TBH I posted this hoping someone would tell me this is something men do when heartbroken and it's just loneliness or something but I think deep down I know I will not trust him again the way I did before. He was trying to replace me.

MatryoshkaDoll Mon 03-Mar-14 14:14:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Amethyst24 Mon 03-Mar-14 14:16:24

"he was trying to replace me" - no, he wasn't. He decided to replace the life he had with you with the life of a promiscuous single man.

My money would be on him having enjoyed some aspects of this, but missed the comforts of having a woman around full-time - sex on demand without having to put in the effort online to get it/pay for it, someone to cook and clean and be a listening ear etc etc.

He's seen how desperate you are to have him back, and how he reckons he can have his cake and eat it and make trifle.

Run for the hills.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Mon 03-Mar-14 14:35:54

He thinks it's okay to buy sex, sounds like a fine example of a man.

Just out of interest in what ways did you have to change to please him?

neiljames77 Mon 03-Mar-14 14:36:20

I don't think either of you could possibly get over what the other has done.

FairPhyllis Mon 03-Mar-14 14:43:22

I knew this was going to turn out to be about him shagging other people as soon as you said he left out of the blue without trying to address your "relationship problems".

He left you because he wanted the freedom to shag about, and used the distance between you as an excuse to leave. Are you certain that this distance was all down to you? Or did he distance himself as well?

People who are genuinely experiencing relationship problems don't just disappear and leave their children. They try to talk about it like a grown-up and don't punish the other person by going NC out of the blue.

Frankly, I think he's cruel. He was perfectly happy to treat you shabbily for all those months while he was pursuing his single life. Then he realised that he missed his home comforts, or perhaps he wasn't being as successful with the ladies as he thought he would be, so he "took you back". Except this time, you're desperate to please him, so have agreed to whatever demands he has, AND he apparently still plans to shag around. He's got the best of all worlds!

I would not be able to recover trust in a partner after being treated so cruelly. I would not waste any more time here. Tell him you are setting him free to pursue his interest in "dirty little sluts."

expatinscotland Mon 03-Mar-14 14:43:42

He left because he was fucking around. Make no mistake. He is still fucking around.

Stop doping this for your sake and your kids' sake.

Time to call it a day.

pleasehelpshaking Mon 03-Mar-14 14:50:03

The problems with me were that I was working every night. He said he didn't mind at the time, but then threw it in my face. I suppose I stopped wanting sex all the time because I was tired and busier. I wasn't trying to distance myself, I had a new job and wanted to do well.

I think maybe there's a lot of truth here. Among the dating sites he was googling how to get more success on dating sites so he was obviously not as successful as he'd hoped.

The thing I am struggling with is that I really did believe he was a devoted DH, I really had no doubt and thought we had a great marriage. I suppose I read this a lot.

How can someone say they love you and not really mean what they are saying? Why would someone marry you and have kids if they were intending to dump you the minute you stopped being as much fun?

I don't understand it all really. Was the man I was married to a complete bastard the whole time and I never noticed?

expatinscotland Mon 03-Mar-14 14:55:40

You stopped being his domestic appliance with holes. So he tried it on, didn't get anyone willing to be his fuck toy, not he's got you for that again in reserve whilst he trawls round for more.

You deserve better than that. So do your kids.

Get rid.

Jan45 Mon 03-Mar-14 14:57:38

Maybe he was devoted at some point in the marriage, certainly not the latter. He can still love you but feel he wants something else esp if he can just disappear with nc and know you're waiting in the sidelines for him to come back (when he's had his fun).

I think it's all been made far too easy for him. Also, as I've said, going on countless sex sites purely looking for no strings sex isn't about being lonely, it's about getting as many shags as he can, he clearly has a real problem with his ego I'd say.

You sure you want to be with him still?

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Mon 03-Mar-14 14:59:28

He isn't the man you thought he was. This is a very hard lesson to learn.

pleasehelpshaking Mon 03-Mar-14 15:01:43

I just can't stop crying and shaking. I know what you are saying is true but just don't want to believe it.

JeanSeberg Mon 03-Mar-14 15:11:03

Be kind to yourself, please. You've had a shock and it will understandably take you time to come to terms with this.

(Hopefully) the message will sink in eventually.

In the meantime, do you have some good friends in real life who can support you?

neiljames77 Mon 03-Mar-14 15:13:31

Is there no chance he was just looking at these sites out of curiosity but had no intention of acting on any of it. People look at things on the net without wanting to actively participate.

DangerMoose Mon 03-Mar-14 15:17:25

I'm going to go against the grain here.

During a low and lonely period in my life, I 'hooked up' with several people from the Internet. I wanted closeness and physical intimacy but not a relationship. I am a woman. I did not want to delude members of match.com or the like who actually were looking for a relationship into thinking I wanted anything more.

I regret it now but it did and does not make me a monster. I would actually be far more hurt by a partner confessing to sleeping with an ex while separated than with any random stranger.

Also, he has apologied and even admits it was 'foolish behaviour'. That is something, at least?

Only you can decide if you want to go on with this relationship, but please don't assume you meant nothing to him because of this Internet thing or that he is/was/is still fucking around. That is not necessarily the case at all.

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