Aspergers DH? anyone?

[isheorisnthe]

I've just listened to a prog on Radio 4 and my blood ran cold. So many of the traits talked about were DH.

This is going to be long...sorry.

I've often thought that my DH has Aspergers- I know quite a bit about it having worked with children with the condition.

Our long marriage has been stormy with a trial separation 2 years back - my choice. I went to Relate alone to discuss my worries, the counsellor let me borrow Aspergers in Love but he didn't fit the profile completely.

One of the reasons was DHs' habits and inability to engage with me on a certain level.

We did the Asp test online and he didn't score as Asp- but it was a high score well into the 20s whereas mine was something like 8.

DH is dyslexic and I know there is an association. He has great strengths and at work has a very responsible job that involves talking with people worldwide. He has good working relationships- but no friends - well, one friend who he knew when I met him 30 years back.

As a couple, we have no friends and very little social life. DH doesn't 'need' friends and I get what I need from my girl friends. Over the years I have gradually stopped inviting other couples to us because DH is often very quiet and I think people find him hard work. He's not chatty and has a very slight stammer- hesitation when speaking.

He is obsessive- he collects anything. The woman talking in the radio prog just now mentioned her DH collecting 2 packs of WD 40 - mine would buy 6 just to be safe. We are constantly rowing about how he hoards and buys things that he never uses. The house has no storage space and he has taken over an entire spare room wardrobe with 'things' and has now started taking over DDs room now she's left home.

He wastes space in the house but also our money on gadgets and bits and pieces which never see the light of day but are stored in boxes under the bed in case he needs them.

I am the complete opposite and throw things out all the time.

He also doesn't read for pleasure. On the radio prog they said that one sign of Asps they were considering was lack of fiction reading. DH has not read or completed a book ( ones he's asked me to buy for him) in 30 years. On the other hand I am a writer, write for a living and feel there is this huge gulf between us.

I suppose in some ways if he did have a diagnosis it would make me feel better because all I seem to do is nag him about his behaviour.

Anyone got any ideas?

[educatingarti]

Well _ I'm not sure I have too much advice, but I heard part of that programme too and I work with youngsters on the autistic spectrum. Looking around friends I know, I'd say there's at least 3 where I suspect that the DH might possibly be on the spectrum, so I don't think it is that unusual.

How really aware is he that his behaviour upsets you? How open would he be to investigating whether he had Aspergers? Could you afford to go for a private diagnosis? Would he be open to "learning" the scripts for interacting better with others? Would it give you more empathy towards his behaviours or would you "use" it as a "see I'm right and you're not normal" weapon? Do you think a diagnosis could pave the way towards you both negotiating on some of the behaviours that are an issue between you? Would he be open to any sort of counselling to address that anxieties that mean he feels he has to buy 6 packs of WD40?

If you were both open to exploring the issues that a diagnosis might bring up, then I'd say maybe go for it - He may not fit the profile but if he does then it could lead to new levels of understanding between you.

[jojane]

It's hard to say what a diagnosis would mean for you. Ds1 is borderline but knowing this has helped us understand him better and tailor our approach to certain situations etc.
fIL on the other hand has just been diagnosed as very aspergers at the age of 60 (as a result of our research into it due to ds1, joking that FIL fits the profile and him deciding to be assessed), he now seems to be using it as an excuse NOT to do anything he doesn't want to, not come to social situations etc etc whereas before he would come to some stuff and try to be social, he is going to counselling and groups etc so hopefully he will start to try things again (it's mostly for the kids I want him to try harder as he didn't want to come over Xmas for an hour or so and before he went on holiday for a month he didn't bother to come say goodbye as "the kids won't miss him" which they did and always ask to see him and he's been back a few weeks and only because we called round last week have they seen him since he's been back

[isheorisnthe]

Thank you both.
Silly- I hear what you are saying and when I said my blood ran cold I just meant the information really hit home. I am not prejudiced against anyone with Asps- I have worked with people with it too and have a professional understanding of it which is why I thought he may have it all along.

Educating- I think if he had a diagnosis it would mean he could 'own' the condition and try to modify his behaviour. I don't think he understands how much his hoarding bothers me and all these things he has are like a comfort blanket, though an out of sight one.

Yes we could afford a diagnosis and he also passes the practice of the psychologist with work-travel, so it's not out of the question.

[isheorisnthe]

jojane- my DH is 60 later this year.