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Does he know what he's saying?

(24 Posts)
motherlondon Sun 02-Mar-14 17:18:30

Hi, I just need some advice on how to or whether to respond to this.
Split with ex last year after his numerous cheating either physical or online and being told I was paranoid etc when I had the print outs of the dirty photos/messages etc all in hand.
Have tried to stay civil as 3 very small children involved and he has admitted that 'it scares him' how calm I have been and that he has been expecting me to blow up etc, which I haven't. Again, I can't as I want my kids to see that their Mum has pride and self respect.
Whole marriage - 15 years - he has been forgetful to the point of not remembering friend's names who we spent previous Christmas day with, never remembering family events, letting bill dates slip. I have always been the organised one and when together, would double remind him, organise everything and keep everything on track.
I have a memory for dates, numbers etc like a steel r.
Last week I organised a time slot at the school for the school photographers to take extra family photos of sibling, me and him. I organised the latest time I could so we could come from work early.
I rang him when he was five minutes late, he said he was stuck in traffic and would be there in 10 minutes. When I said that the timeslot was only for 15 minutes he blew up and said that I told him it was at 5.30. It was at 3.50. I just said, no I didn't and he hung up on me.
He came storming into home, when kids asked why he wasn't at photos, he told them that 'I got told the wrong time by your mother'.
At this point I yelled at him that I didn't tell him 5.30, would never have and in fact told him 3.50 as I apologised for him having to leave work early but it was the latest I could get. He asked when I said that, I said last week when I told him about it.
After he played with kids for a while, he came in normal and tried to make conversation, I told him not to ever down talk me to the kids again, he got stroppy and said that they don't understand anyway.
Yes, I didn't remind him of the time, I just told him that they were on today, I am not marries to him anymore, so I'm sure as shit not going to be his unpaid secretary any longer.
I am fuming - he either really believes that I said 5.30 to be a bitch and him not get any photos with the kids, or he is making it up, because he missed the time and making me me out to be a bitch when he knows exactly what time I said. I don't know what is worse.
And then I start self doubting thinking maybe I said 5.30? (I know I didn't) Kids are eating dinner at 5, I wouldn't even contemplate trying to get photos.
Should I demand an apology - he has never apologised for his most vile behaviour anyway, write an email and tell him I know I didn't say 5.30 and that he makes stuff up about me so he can feel OK about his atrocious behaviour or do I just smile and wave and let it go?
God, sorry this is so long about family fucking photos. I keep replaying Pink's Family Portrait in my head.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sun 02-Mar-14 17:23:14

I would let it go. Of course he knows you said 3.50 which is why, when you rang him at 3.55, he said he was 10 minutes away but stuck in traffic.

Let him organise his own photos. He's your ex.

LurkingNineToFive Sun 02-Mar-14 17:23:21

Ignore him and be glad you got rid. He didn't remember the right time now he suffers the consequences.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 02-Mar-14 17:42:48

Yes, if you'd said 5.30 he wouldn't even have left work when you rang, would he? His story doesn't add up.

But smile and wave and let it go in your own mind, because except for these rare occasions, he isn't your problem any more. Which is wonderful.

Joysmum Sun 02-Mar-14 17:46:47

Clearly he's lying and trying to blame you for his shortcomings. He'd not have had to leave work that eay for a 5:30 appointment. You're right to trust your instincts on that.

EirikurNoromaour Sun 02-Mar-14 18:28:30

Let it go. And don't bother organising anything for him ever again.

motherlondon Sun 02-Mar-14 18:29:30

Thanks all. He does this mindfucking regularly. Smile and wave, smile and wave. He's away on business tomorrow. Never have I wished so hard for a plane to fall out of the sky with just one fatality.

Finola1step Sun 02-Mar-14 18:44:53

You could stop organising things for him to be involved in.

Am a bit confused about him storming into the home. Are you seperated? Does he still have a key? If so, why?

Maybe it's time for some greater level of seperation between you both. Contact with the children out of your home for example.

Handywoman Sun 02-Mar-14 18:53:07

I agree a bit more detachment called for here. Organizing stuff for him just gives him ammo to trample you with as per your marriage. Detach. Forget the whole thing. Chalk up to experience and move on.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 02-Mar-14 18:55:18

I can't think why you'd want a photo with him in it anyway....

Cabrinha Sun 02-Mar-14 18:58:09

What on earth were you doing organising it for him anyway?!!!
Ex.
Remember that love.

And don't doubt yourself. He knew damn well it was 3:50.
You know he knows that.

Cabrinha Sun 02-Mar-14 18:58:47

Cogito - to stick pins in smile

NotTheFirstBornAgainVirgin Sun 02-Mar-14 18:59:25

Picture small hole in side of plane by his seat with him being sucked into the ether. Oh so satisfying.

HowardTJMoon Sun 02-Mar-14 19:06:41

I absolutely agree that you should, as much as possible, stop organising things for him. On the few occasions when you really do then inform him of time/date/location by text or email. Or if you do tell him by phone or face to face then immediately follow it up with a confirmation email saying exactly the same thing.

That way you have a copy if only to prove to yourself that he's a lying twunt. My ex used to delight in such "misunderstandings" and having a written copy really helped me to see through all the bullshit.

VeryStressedMum Sun 02-Mar-14 19:08:35

I don't get what sort of photo shoot it was...a family one?
And as soon as I read it I thought the same as the others...you called him at 3.55 he was stuck in traffic on his way there if he thought it was at 5.30 he'd still be at work.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 02-Mar-14 19:17:48

A family photo is only for members of the family, surely? Aside from pin-sticking and dart-throwing purposes, why have one with his lying face in it? You'd never display it at home and, for the kids, it would just be a big fat fake.... "there's Mum and Dad smiling for the cameras but do you know they couldn't stand each other at the time?"

MatryoshkaDoll Sun 02-Mar-14 19:50:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MatryoshkaDoll Sun 02-Mar-14 19:50:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motherlondon Mon 03-Mar-14 05:37:44

Thanks all.
I was never going to get the happy family unit photo - just ones with me and kids and ones with him and kids. Even though he's a prick to me, his kids deserves some photos with their Dad, was my thinking.
He came in the gate as he helps with their dinner and bath time etc, and the kids let him in.
I did text him, told him I know what time I told him, his reaction was unnacceptable and ott and he was never to speak me down to kids ever again, and that I would like an apology but know that I will never get one.
He first replied 'wow' and then that he was going to call and apologise but now, 'why bother'. He said he was upset he missed it, but I should have texted him at the time and also he was 'sorry he misheard me'. Whatever, I will never get an unqualified apology, but am just at point that I will call him on this behaviour.
You are all right - I have realised that I do too much to try and keep him included in the kids lives and activities, but am going to cease and desist from now on.
He can go get his own photos.
Thanks again for bearing with this.

JeanSeberg Mon 03-Mar-14 05:48:14

You have to stop him coming to your home, that's much more important than the photo nonsense. Don't give him opportunities where he can speak to you like that in front of the kids.

Does he not have his own place where he can take them? How long have you been separated?

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 03-Mar-14 06:39:03

Ask him why he was on his way and only ten minutes away at 355 if he thought the appt was 530.
he is saying that he intended to arrive at 4:05 for an appt at 5:30? To sitbaround for an hour and 25 minutes?
really?
he is full of shit.

motherlondon Mon 03-Mar-14 07:59:46

Nah, not asking any more, he knows he's full of shit, I know he's full of shit, just not going to let him be able to blame me again, by not actually doing anything for/with him

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 03-Mar-14 08:06:43

fair enough. that's probably the best thing but my god, it could make you want to chew your foot off. It just doesn't make any sense!

how can he take those timings, the fact he was on his way and claim he thought it was 530? it's ridiculous!

pregnantpause Mon 03-Mar-14 09:25:06

Yes he knows what he's saying. No he doesn't want to take responsibility for his failings. Stop giving him opportunities for him to try make his failings your responsibility. Don't organise for him. You won't get an apology despite his argument being so blatantly weak. Keep being calm, but detach more.

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