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Want to date, but not divorced yet

(30 Posts)
Fleminggot Sun 02-Mar-14 17:01:07

Been properly separated for a year. Prior to that the last year of relationship was awful and lonely. Been having a bit of a FWB thing, but I'm getting feelings for him, so need to stop that as he doesn't want a relationship and he's not right for me.

I really feel ready for dating, but really nervous at the same time. My only option is online dating.

My concern is that I'm still married and that men would be put off by that or that it could affect the amicable relationship I have with my ex. Also would it be cheeky to put my profile on POF as single, rather than separated?

I won't be taking my cheating ex back, I know that and need to start divorce proceedings!

Fleminggot Sun 02-Mar-14 17:02:23

I meant amicable relationship in relation to the divorce as if he gets pissed off that I'm moving onwards and upwards things might get ugly with solicitors etx

JonSnowKnowsNothing Sun 02-Mar-14 17:09:58

I can't advise on the divorce aspect as have no experience, but I think most online dating sites have a "separated" option when you fill them in. I'm sure it wouldn't put anyone off who was serious about meeting someone nice and getting to know them.
Nothing at all wrong with wanting a bit of happiness!

JonSnowKnowsNothing Sun 02-Mar-14 17:11:51

I wouldn't put "single" as a date might think you were being dishonest.

ashesgirl Sun 02-Mar-14 17:13:02

Think you can just leave as empty - you don't have to specify.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Sun 02-Mar-14 17:15:43

All this married/divorced/separated stuff is a minefield. People who are co-habiting split up and are immediately single and I personally feel the same thing applies if you were married.

I just think if your not in a relationship with someone then your single, no?

RollerCola Sun 02-Mar-14 17:22:31

I'm not so sure, some of it can be psychological. My exh and I agreed to separate last July. I felt 'single' straight away and took off my wedding ring but we carried on living in the same house until Sept.

Once he'd gone I started casually dating and met a really nice guy. But now I feel a bit funny about my status. I'm properly separated, and I filed for divorce in sept too so I really am just waiting for the piece of paper. But I feel like I can't properly move forward until I really am divorced.

It all depends on how you personally feel about it. Some are fine straight away some take much longer.

RedFocus Sun 02-Mar-14 17:25:12

I would say you were single as separated sounds like you are just having a break from the marriage.

Fleminggot Sun 02-Mar-14 19:19:10

Thank you for your posts. I suppose I'm just worried what me going on and dating will do to my ex, with regards to the divorce, which is stupid I suppose. He's the one who fucked me over after all!

thatstripedthing Sun 02-Mar-14 19:59:55

If you want to meet someone for a proper relationship, it's imperative that you are honest. Also, divorce proceedings can be harrowing and you won't want to keep that all to yourself. This kind of omission would be a deal breaker for most men

DotCottonsHairnet Sun 02-Mar-14 20:45:46

Similar situation here - seperated over a year now.

Meet someone at end of last year and I was honest from the start that I was still tecnnically married but it was over. He was and still is fine with it.

Its given me the kick to finally start divorce proceedings - papers accepted by the court and process now underway.

New partner and I looking forward to celebrating when my decree absolute comes through - hopefully by the summer smile

So I'd advise honesty from the beginning smile

Cabrinha Sun 02-Mar-14 21:15:16

I'm still married sad
Split a year ago - moved out 7 months ago.
Boyfriend of 6 months couldn't give a toss that I'm legally married when I'm clearly single!
Didn't meet him online, can't even remember if I put single or separated (I think latter, I tend to be anally accurate!) when I was.
I'm only not divorced because my ex has been really fucking slow with paperwork, and there is some admin complication that I don't want to detail here.

Personally, if I met someone separated I'd want to know why they hadn't started proceedings. But a reasonable answer would be fine for me.

VelmaD Sun 02-Mar-14 21:16:59

I dated on POF as "single" for a couple of years - I was separated for 4 years before I applied for my divorce. I dated two guys for three months, one of which was in the same situation as me. The second did have a bit of an issue with it, but tbh he was an immature twat.

Met current boyfriend about three days after I put my paperwork in. And my divorce was delayed a few weeks, so we spent all of the summer and Christmas in a relationship with me still being married.

Wasn't a huge issue. Good luck with the dating!

NachoAddict Sun 02-Mar-14 21:23:17

I am technically still married but have been living with my new partner for three years and we have a ds.

I will get divorced eventually but its bloody expensive! Was hoping the ex would divorce me instead.

FloraSpreadableMacDonald Sun 02-Mar-14 21:29:34

I would be honest. Then you will attract men who don't have an issue with it.
Good luck.

Sortyourmakeupout Sun 02-Mar-14 22:17:35

A male friend of mine who was also doing online dating said never put up separated as it gives the wrong impression.

VelmaD Sun 02-Mar-14 22:19:07

Nachoaddict, I did mine myself with no solicitor /lawyer after waiting for exh to do it, and cost me �440 all in.

VelmaD Sun 02-Mar-14 22:19:40

Nachoaddict, I did mine myself with no solicitor /lawyer after waiting for exh to do it, and cost me �440 all in.

VelmaD Sun 02-Mar-14 22:20:51

Sorry about double post, phone error!

NachoAddict Mon 03-Mar-14 20:05:19

That's a much better price. Was it difficult to do?

VelmaD Mon 03-Mar-14 23:23:20

I say not really, but I did make a few mistakes! There is a guidance booklet online with the forms - just fill them in and send them off and the courts go from there with the postage etc - I had the clerks going through mine when I submitted just to make sure I ticked the right places. When I had made an error it just got returned for me to redo. Wasn't too hassled, and mine took five months all in all, and that was with going in front of a judge twice because they wanted more information. Friend of mine had theirs much quicker because it got approved first time :-)

Lovingfreedom Mon 03-Mar-14 23:35:36

I describe myself as single even though I'm still legally married. There is no chance of a reconciliation with my ex and I don't want to re-marry. It never crossed my mind to describe myself any other way tbh even though I suppose some might see this as dishonest or inaccurate. Not met anyone who has a problem with this.

teaandthorazine Tue 04-Mar-14 11:29:28

You could always put 'single' in the tick box bit and then a very brief, factual explanation of the fact you are separated, awaiting divorce in the body of your profile?

You're being honest and weeding out those who don't bother to read profiles properly - win/win!

teaandthorazine Tue 04-Mar-14 11:30:34

Oh, btw, I was separated from xh for ?6 years before we got around to actually divorcing. I dated in that time and it was never an issue (afaik!)

struggling100 Tue 04-Mar-14 11:33:01

Just be honest. Any guy worth his salt will understand. A year is plenty long enough smile

You sound really balanced and together - I'm hoping you find the right guy!

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