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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

so upset. is it me?

60 replies

wontletmesignin · 02/03/2014 16:34

Ok so few months ago i wasadvised to xease contact by SS, between my ds and his df.
His grandparents also went NC with ds as i wouldnt allow contact.
Last time they told me i wasnt getting him back.

So with pressure from social services telling me to keep links with that family.

So today was second session - at my.home.
My son wont bother withthem and wont leave my side.
The grandad walked out after an hour and then grandmother started having a go at me.
Saying im using my child as a weapon and she never would have done this to me if the tables were reversed.
She also blamed it all on my 10 year old daughter. Saying her son took on too much taking on me and my 3 kids and thay was the reason for his abuse.

Then, after that mouthful ...she asked for weekly visits instead of fortnightly as she thinks this will help my ds around them.

Manipulation much? Is it just me...or are they taking the bastard piss??

OP posts:

Report

RandomMess · 02/03/2014 16:43

She is completely out of order speaking to you in the way she has done. However little and often contact will be better for your ds and help him build a relationship with them.

How old is your ds?

fifi669 · 02/03/2014 16:44

I'd tell them where to go myself!

wontletmesignin · 02/03/2014 16:45

He is 3. He was sitting there during it

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blahhhhhh · 02/03/2014 16:51

I would tell her to go do one. Then l would tell SS that you did try but she was so verbally abusive to you in front of your DS that you will not be volunteering contact again

wontletmesignin · 02/03/2014 16:54

She will deny it though. She has denied everything so far.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/03/2014 16:55

A good rule of thumb here is that if they are too difficult for you to deal with then they are certainly too difficult for your both vulnerable and defenceless child. Your son needs both positive and affirming role models; not people like these two who blame another child for their sons abuse!.

Were you married to your ex?.

Why have Social Services asked you to maintain contact with his family at all?. I ask this as grandparents do not have automatic rights of access to their grandchildren and they advised you to cease contact between your son and his dad. What grounds did they use for wanting your son to have contact with the grandparents?. Did you advise them what these people said previously?.

Some grandparents really and truly should not be allowed access to their grandchildren. In the case of your ex's parents it is clear that the rotten apple did not fall far from the tree. It is clear that they are trying to manipulate you and I would certainly not receive them at all within my home ever again. Exposing your son to such emotional manipulation will harm him.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 02/03/2014 16:58

Can you tell social services that you will agree only to supervised contact in a contact centre?

I wonder if that is the deal, whether they will just not bother at all. If their purpose is not to see the child, but to harrass and intimidate you, remove that option and see if they are bothered

RandomMess · 02/03/2014 16:58

If they have form for this kind of abuse towards you rather than it being out of the blue one off then what Attila says is true.

wontletmesignin · 02/03/2014 17:01

Very good rule.

They told me to keep contact with grandparents as they were a positive, apart from threatening to keep him from me.
I wasnt married to him.

I didnt really want to start contact again, but i felt pressured.

Crazy thing is as when she was walking outshe asked for weekly, all nicely...and i nodded!! I didnt want to, but i did. She text 10 mins later to confirm and i aaid im sticking to fortnightly.
I dont even want to do that!! Wtf is wrong with me

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wontletmesignin · 02/03/2014 17:02

Last manipulation tacticfrom her was to have her neighbour make me believe she had breast cancer so would i start contact again so shewould get checked by a doctor

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wontletmesignin · 02/03/2014 17:07

I will ask about contact centre. I cant believe what has happened still.

Its the second visit. Surely they understand that kids take time to ckme round.
I know its hard, and will be heartbreaking. But patience is obviously a must.

He was better with them this time, to last time. Last time he spend 45 mins hugging me.

It really seems to me that it was all an act to get weekly visits or something.

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LEMmingaround · 02/03/2014 17:08

they sound vile and manipulative, your DS is better off without them, quite frankly. Are they actually stupid? I realise it was probably quite upsetting for them that your DS wasn't comfortable with them, but its hardly surprising - they have hardly made it likely that he will respond positively next time. Do you HAVE to have contact with them? I would definately go NC if this is the way they behave.

LEMmingaround · 02/03/2014 17:10

What do they actually do when they visit? If they were decent people, my advice would be for them to come armed with toys and sit on the floor and play with them, to have decent conversations with you and not put any pressure on him to join in. He would soon come round - it all sounds horrible and upsetting for your DS and he is the most important person in all of this.

wontletmesignin · 02/03/2014 17:14

They came armed with sweets today.
What i dont understand is before i started contact up again - they asked SS if they could start sending his xmas presents in the post.

They sent a couple of books and dvds to nursery.
So i thought they would come with xmas.presents on the first visit. Seemed obvious to me. But they came with nothing.

This time, was sweets. Me and ds went to get toys from upstairs and grandad wouldnt play - didnt want to sit on the floor. Nana played a little but then sat on settee.

Grandad barely spoke to my ds. He even left without saying bye to him.

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blahhhhhh · 02/03/2014 17:56

Can you not text back and say on reflection after the events for today the fortnightly visits will cease unless THEY can arrange a contact centre

wontletmesignin · 02/03/2014 17:57

Id love to do that. But im scared. Why i dont know.
Probably because they say im using my ds as a weapon.
I dont want ss to think that i am!

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wontletmesignin · 02/03/2014 18:01

I just need to grow a pair dont i

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Logg1e · 02/03/2014 18:02

This sounds awful. Can you say what you've said here, to social services? That you were willing and you tried, that the visit was good for your son, and although you'll put his best interests first you are concerned what social services will think about your motives?

LEMmingaround · 02/03/2014 18:03

Talk to SS and see what they suggest, you have every right to object to contact if it is upsetting your DS and you certainly do not have to have them in your house if they are going to be vile towards you.

wontletmesignin · 02/03/2014 18:11

My ds didnt even want them to come. I ignored him thinking "hes 3, he will say that and not mean it".

I definitely dont want them back on my home. Theu left.and i ended up in floods of tears. Nobody should go into someones home and leave making them feel that way.

I know that sounds common sense, but im so used to letting people walk all over me.

I will be calling the SW in the morning to tell her how it went.
Nana mentioned hoe the social.worker wont tell her nothing now as i bridged the gap between ds and grandparents. I dont know if thats why she has done it.

She said things like "ooh well thats not what SW told me" when i said "what did she say to you that wasdifferent" she said nothingas she wont speak to her????

Dya think she was trying to get info out of me?

Sorry my mind is re running through everything. I wish i could just let it lie!

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wontletmesignin · 02/03/2014 18:13

Nevermind.im going to try and leave it all til tomorrow. Thank you all for your help and advise! Xx

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Monetbyhimself · 02/03/2014 18:23

You are strong and you can do this. Offer contact in a contact centre and nothing else. They can't get away with treating you like this in front of your child.

wontletmesignin · 02/03/2014 18:30

I dont know how many timesive picked the phone up and started to text telling them.
I dont know what or how to say it.

Ive thought about what blahhhh said and i just cant do it. I feel so weak

I just know she wont believe she done anything wrong today and she will think im creating this out of nothing.

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Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 02/03/2014 18:35

I would definitely send the text saying contact only through a contact centre and they must arrange it. You have more rights that you realise. How does she think shouting at you in front of your DC is going to make him want to see her in the future. They both sound as thick as sh1t to be honest. Decide what you want, stick to it. Pay no heed to what others want. They are a pair of toxic tossers by the sounds of it!

wontletmesignin · 02/03/2014 18:41

Thank you all for helping me with this. I have sent the message. My heart is racing.

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