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where am l going wrong

(17 Posts)
blahhhhhh Sun 02-Mar-14 11:22:17

So what is wrong with me. I am never happy. I have everything l could wish for and l am miserable.
I have a good job, lovely DH, 3 wonderful DC's and 1 DGC l have money to spend/go on holiday etc so why do l cry myself to sleep most nights and find it hard to get off my butt when l get home from work?

I guess l work hard for long hours and l am tired trying to do everything for everybody, trying to fix things and make things right. I have an elderly DM who l try to help as much as l can but l think in all l have lost me somewhere along the way.

I have no time for friends or much of a social life. I want to change but don't know where to start.
I am siting here at 11.20 on a Sunday morning still in my PJ's too tired to go for a shower.

Give me a shake please someone

Smilesandpiles Sun 02-Mar-14 11:29:16

Could it be depression?

Have a chat with your GP and see what they say.

In the mean time, stop doing things for everyone, let them work their own problems on their own. That will give you a break for a start.

Ask your GP about help for your mum too to give you a break for once.

PenguinDancer Sun 02-Mar-14 11:32:30

Agree you sound depressed and I would talk to your GP if I were you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 02-Mar-14 15:33:31

I'd second the suggestion to see a GP. You could be depressed or the fatigue & stress you describe could be due to something else entirely. If you've pinpointed that one of the problems is that you do too much for other and neglect yourself in the process, that is something you could address at the same time. Get a better balance of family and independence perhaps

How old are your DCs and what is it you're always trying to fix and make right?

moonriverandme Sun 02-Mar-14 16:55:14

How long have you felt like this? Could someone else help with your Mum? Is there any chance of reducing your work hours?
If your chidren are grown up I would let them sort their own lives out.
I would also talk to your G.P as not wanting to get dressed etc could be a sign of depression.

blahhhhhh Sun 02-Mar-14 18:07:06

DSis "helps" with 91 year old mother as much as she sends her DC's in with her milk and DNephew takes her shopping every 2 weeks (he gets stsaff discount).
I cant remember the last time l was happy--that seems a dreadful thing to say especially as l am so lucky in so many ways.
DS has had 6 years at Uni which we have supported him financially. We travel 160miles every 2 weeks to look after DGD while DD1 works. These things l do because l love them.
DD2 is difficult, no real aim in life, waiting to start college, little self esteem and l suppose quite immature for her age. I worry about her constantly to the extent l have palpitations.
I know it is up to her but l just worry so much about her.
Work is a different story. My employers annual funding is partially dependent on how successful l am. My colleague left in december and is not being replaced - l end up working at home in the evenings. (wouldn't mind so much if l even got a wee share of their profits)

Gosh reading back this is pathetic. I really need to get a grip don't I sad but l dont know where to start.

MillyBlods Sun 02-Mar-14 18:29:26

I think if I were you I would not be making such a long trip to look after your granddaughter. That is just madness. She should be sorting out her own childcare.

Sounds like your employer is taking the mick with you and your working situation. You need to have a proper talk and get them to get someone else to help or tell them that work will not be done as you shouldn't be taking it home.

What your doing for the other two kids with Uni and College is pretty normal and they will grow up and move on eventually. Could you make a list of changes you could make maybe to free up time for yourself and start doing things for your self more.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 02-Mar-14 19:02:22

Getting a grip in your case I would say involves doing things and making decisions that you might regard as selfish. You need a life before it's too late. Put yourself and your health first for a change. Tell your family that you love them but you need a break and they have to take care of themselves for a while. Be assertive with your employer and stop working the nights. I'd even suggest taking a week or two out completely, booking yourself onto a trip somewhere warm, taking some reading material and really properly winding down. And I know you'll read that suggestion and say 'I couldn't do anything so selfish'.... QED smile

caughtoutforsure Sun 02-Mar-14 22:50:41

Have night out with your friends - just do it.

antimatter Sun 02-Mar-14 22:54:31

I would spend more time with DD2 instead of looking after your DGD.
Looks like DD2's worries you a lot.
Working evenings even if your job is interesting can just make you tired on it's own. It's unfair to be doing work of 2 people alone.

Viviennemary Sun 02-Mar-14 22:57:50

Reading this I'd say you are just doing far far too much. All that way to look after your GD. And a job and looking after an elderly relative. I totally agree with Cogito. Something has got to give before you get ill with all this running round. But don't go away and then come back to the same old treadmill.

memyselfandl Sun 02-Mar-14 23:20:09

DD2 feels a failure (although she is not a failure in my eyes)as both her siblings have managed to get good degrees in their chosen field. She is not academic and really lacks confidence. She has a p/t job in McD's and is paid to do 1 day per week as an office junior in my place of work. She is going to college in August to do admin and IT.
She doesn't believe l am proud of her despite her DF and me telling her. It didnt help that she kept failing her driving test--she is a good wee driver, very cautious, but fell apart when the examiner sat in the car. She passed it last week grin
I have just finished clearing my work emails before l go to work tomorrow and you are all so right -something has to give before l have a breakdown.
DH and l haven't been out together for months. I am just too tired to move.
I am not into wild nights out but l was given xmas gifts of cinema vouchers, free meal and spa day and they are all sitting in the cupboard.
When l looked at the calandar early this evening l have no free weekend days for 5 weeks, and it's all to do things for others.
Please believe me l am not a martyr, probably a softie/people pleaser who can't say no.
When l was out with the dog in the pouring rain tonight (this is my me time) l was hoping l could fall and break my arm or leg then l could rest up from work and demands of other people---how sad is that.
You have all given me somethings to think about--thank you for your thoughts. Perhaps l will pay a visit to my GP and have a chat to see if l can even get something to make me sleep for a night (average 4 hours per night just now).
Just reading this back it's like my own pity party and l am sorry for that but it has helped writing it down.
I will have a lunch break tomorrow and leave the building for at least 30 minutes--that's a start grin

tribpot Sun 02-Mar-14 23:43:20

You're the cog that keeps all the machinery of your family functioning. If you stop working, the machine will grind to a halt.

That suggests two things:
1. You must take care of your health, both mental and physical. Improving your sleep is absolutely vital. Having down time at weekends is absolutely vital. You need to free up some of those weekend days.
2. The machine needs more redundancy built in - that is, other cogs that can take some of the load.

In the short term, can you and your DH alternate the weekends helping your DD1 whilst she works? In the medium term, she has to find other childcare arrangements. That's an insane amount of travelling for you on top of all your other caring responsibilities.

I'm assuming your mum refuses to have outside help? Well, tough. You may have to make some hard decisions but you cannot manage this all. Your mum may be entitled to all sorts of support services, your time will be better spent finding out what they are than doing all the running around yourself.

DD2 sounds like she's getting herself sorted out slowly but surely. Not everyone follows the same path. It sounds like you could have a lovely day together at a spa or having a trip to another city as a mini-break, to celebrate her success in the driving test, her upcoming course, and generally for you both to feel special and rewarded. It would do you the power of good not to be run ragged looking after other people for a day!

You're right to go and see the GP, but the main thing you need to do is to go against all your instincts/your conditioning and put yourself first. Ask your DH to help - does he realise how unhappy and exhausted you are? For sure stop feeling like you should be grateful for what you have. You have enormous demands on you, and if you don't put your foot down people will always assume it's okay to ask for more.

SilenceOfTheSAHMs Mon 03-Mar-14 07:26:23

You are not pathetic at all OP thanks

Everyone above is correct, you sound quite depressed and ought to see your GP.

I'm a bit like you insomuch as I'm run ragged with family. I have an ill elderly father and a Grandma to look after. I love them dearly, but I must admit I feel panicky sometimes when I contemplate the dashing around I must do.

Little steps at a time OP.

You go on that spa day! smile

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 03-Mar-14 09:49:51

Do you need a break, can you book time off? Preferably somewhere with lots of sunshine. Any chance of getting away on your own or visiting a friend of family member? Not saying this is an answer to all your worries but it would give you a breathing space. Sometimes we need a boost just to start winding down.

Then see your GP on return and describe how you're feeling. It's not always in our power to 'get a grip'.

Btw you might love your job but do you take your lunch hour, and a proper break now and then? Fresh air would be good, but definitely step away from your desk for for ten minutes.

Regarding your DM, how about looking at this website, for additional help. You can't be in two places at once.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 03-Mar-14 09:51:18

PS That organisation I just mentioned used to be known as the WRVS, their volunteers have been DBS (Disclosure and Barring Service) checked and all carry ID so you can be sure they're genuine.

oldwomaninashoe Mon 03-Mar-14 10:07:18

I know exactly how you feel, I've been there. I still do a lot for the family but I have made the effort to make more of a social life for me and DH.
It's quite easy you just say "Me and Dad are going out for a meal on Saturday, theres xxx in the fridge, just see to yourself"
You explain to your family that you are under a great deal of pressure at work and you can't a) drive long distances to mind a grandchild b)explain to sis that you cannot be on call all the time for your DM c) expect the DC's still at home to pitch in -spell out exactly what you want and expect them to do.

Go and see the GP, your exteeme lack of get up and go could be down to having an under active thyroid gland or having a lack of iron.

If you can manage it try and take some exercise you will be surprised at how much better it makes you feel!

Good luck!

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