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can anyone please give me some advice on how to help myself ?

(39 Posts)
Cantthinkstraightx Sun 02-Mar-14 11:20:56

please don't judge me I am in a bad situation.
I have been with DH for 22 years and have 4dc 2 grown up and 2 little.
I was told when I got married that I could never go home and my parents meant it . it's just the way they are . marriage is for ever .
I have never been happy and repeatedly asked him to go .
on here once before someone said why should he go ? Why not ? I don't know I just know I can't go on and I can't actually think clearly to help myself and would really appreciate someone telling me straight small things or big things I can do .
I sound pathetic but I feel like an overdose is becoming more and more my only option . I spend my life looking after and organising work life and home . I know many people do but seriously I d so much. I do all the adult things at home pay bills sort childcare cars holidays money ect. My best friend is terminally ill and my other best friend is in hospital with a mental health problem , I worry about them both constantly . DH never even asks how they are when I get in from the hosp . I hold down a professional job and absolutely no one has any clue apart from my dc and DH how unhappy I am .i ask DH every day prob ten times to leave and have for the last year but before this also . His parents would always welcome him because they are good people and would always be there for him . My parents live nearby and haven't been to see their grandchildren for 3 years ! I Have to take them and listen to what a terrible mother and daughter I am for not coming more often whenever I go.
DH promised me zillions of times he would change and I now know he won't . When I cry and beg him to go primarily because I don't want our dc growing up thinking our relationship is normal he just sneers at me . He won't let me past and blocks my way and just winds me up like I can't explain. It's like he will be really verbally nasty and I ask him to let me by so when I eventually push he throws his arms in the air and shouts that I've hit him so the dc thnk I have . This really hurts me and he knows this so he does it at every opportunity . He has hurt me and he then laughs at me . He hasn't like punched me in the face he has spat at me and strangled me but not to like really hurt me just ridicule me . The atmosphere is awful and what I hate the most is the effect on the children . He acts like everything is normal and refuses point blank to talk he pushes me away at all costs. I told him several times this weekend if he didn't go to his mums I would kill myself and he said good Dont make a mess . I just sit here now and just cry and he completely ignores me day in day out like I'm really not here . If I take pills I think because of other people then knowing how unhappy I am he might move out . I can't go with 4 dc we have nowhere to go and no money to go with . I know i have to do something for dc but can't even think straight. Feel so drained .I love them so much and am a failure as a mother for not protecting them . if I sound like I'm just feeling sorry for myself I'm not I really am desperately to do the right thing but what is that ?

TangledTiara Sun 02-Mar-14 11:26:50

Poor you

I've been there.... With 4 dc also

Time to take charge of YOU. Please, call women's aid for some advise. You can escape this, honestly, you can

Forget the pills, forget your parents. Time to do what's best for you now

whattodoforthebest2 Sun 02-Mar-14 11:37:01

This sounds like an awful situation to be in, OP. if you've been asking him for ages to go and he won't, then I'd leave. Give yourself a time frame to plan towards, think about the practicalities of school, work etc and take it one step at a time. Women's aid will help you work out what you need to do. If you're working, why do you have no money of your own? Do you work full time?

Cantthinkstraightx Sun 02-Mar-14 11:46:30

I work part time I look after all the money and I do have money but just not savings . we have a mortgage and a huge bill each month for a nanny . I would never lose the nanny because she is the best thing in my dd life at the mo they genuinly adore each other . I f lefty DH has never opened a letter or paid a bill and any bill I have ever given him to pay I have found in his car weeks later after finding out it wasn't paid after all ! He does nothing except work and eat . he has no friends . He very possibly has cancer but refuses to go to the doctor seriously !!! He has 3 uncles who ied of prostrate cancer before 50 and his father has it , He has symptoms and won't address it .He promised me he would . Whatever I do he just follows . It's like I have this life and he is attached to me and I hate it so much . he drains me and the dc with his persistent misery and cab attitude . if I found a house for him and sorted everything out he'd probably go because he'd rather stay in this awful situation that actually do something about it .

turkeybaby Sun 02-Mar-14 12:17:38

It sounds like he has everything to lose and you have everything to gain. You are the one putting everything into your family and your lives. When you do split, your life will be fuller and you will be able to manage everything, because you do already. He will really struggle. He knows this which is why he is going nowhere. You have to take charge of this.

ohfourfoxache Sun 02-Mar-14 12:27:52

Problems with your H aside (and jeez they are bad enough on their own) I think you need to stop visiting your parents. You do not need to put up with their shit and contact, I assume, is only making you feel worse.

Re your H, sorry, no D - contact women's aid - please. If you can, start squirrelling some money away in a separate account as a "just in case" fund.

Make sure that all your/dc's documents are together in a safe place - again, just in case

LavenderGreen14 Sun 02-Mar-14 12:27:55

Op - please will you call women's aid? He has spat and strangled you? Besides everything else which is just awful, you are not safe with this man! You and your children deserve so very much more. You look after everyone else - and who looks after you? It is time you put yourself first and sought help to find a happier life which you certainly deserve. Please do not even consider pills - you can find so much happiness without needing to resort to anything like that.

Cantthinkstraightx Sun 02-Mar-14 21:52:18

I thought women's aid was just to seek refuge .Im not in danger but my children are seeing this awful emotional abuse and I am trying but just can't smile and pretend anymore . I can't see clearly I just want to scream or have someone see how awful he is to me and take him away . What I would give to magic him away . to have a normal life and smile with my dc again .i hate all the badness I feel . I just wan to run sometimes but my lovely dc keep me going .

Anomaly Sun 02-Mar-14 22:08:43

Please phone womens aid. You sound so desperately unhappy and its clear you have good reason to. Your H is abusive and living with him must be so draining. Have you seen your GP and told them you sound so depressed. You need to reach out to those who will help and support you to get your H out of your life and you happier.

Pilgit Sun 02-Mar-14 22:09:50

Talk to women's aid. Talk to a solicitor. You do not need his permission to end it. You do not need to have family to go to and that does not mean leaving the dc behind. He won't go so go yourself. It is crap. But you can't make him do anything. Heard a great quote today in an unlikely place: nothing should be. They just are and how we react to it.

You have power. Use it. You are strong. You can do this. It is unlikely to be easy. You will get a lot of support and practical help here.

RandomMess Sun 02-Mar-14 22:12:17

Womans Aid is for ALL abuse, including emotional abuse.

tallwivglasses Sun 02-Mar-14 22:18:45

OP, well done for starting the thread - it's your first step to a better life for you and dcs.

Aside from the EA, you may feel like you're not in any immediate physical danger, but you have been in the past. Is there any way you could talk to his parents?

Cantthinkstraightx Sun 02-Mar-14 23:04:53

I could talk to his parents but they are in their 80s and it just wouldn't be fair . I just feel this is going to go really badly I have an awful feeling .

innisglas Mon 03-Mar-14 05:13:28

You sound like a strong person in a bad situation. If you can't persuade him to go, then you have to got to start planning how you leave, as recommended above.

You know you can't kill yourself because you are a mother. Things look black now, but you are capable of finding a way out of it, just like you will want your children to grow up to find solutions to their problems. Get in touch with Women's Aid, get legal advice, squirrel away money and start planning. Maybe some counselling would help too. I have known women with a lot less resources than you remake their life, it is not easy but it is not impossible

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 03-Mar-14 06:35:51

I would urge you to call Samaritans if you're suicidal. I would also echo the advice to call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. Not necessarily for refuge but for advice on how to get an emotionally abusive man out of your life properly and safely. You sound utterly depressed and despairing because this 'marriage for life' guilt-trip bollocks you were sold by your family has created a trap. You do have options but you need others to walk you through them. WA will have, for example, details of local solicitors that specialise in Domestic Abuse cases.

Realistically, I think the only way you are going to successfully get shot of this man is to start a divorce. Your life will change, the DCs' lives will change and you're almost certainly looking at downsizing or some other adjustment in the process of achieving mental freedom. It may go badly if your DH is determined to make your life difficult. But none of that would make you a failure. None of it would be letting the DCs down. Any of it would be better than taking your own life.

myroomisatip Mon 03-Mar-14 08:14:37

How are you today OP?

Your life sounds a lot like mine was and it took me years to find the courage to leave, but I did. And it was not as hard as I expected because I found help.

As PPs have said, please talk to Womens Aid and the CAB, try to set some money aside. Go and see a solicitor.

Cantthinkstraightx Sun 09-Mar-14 22:01:27

Omg I have found ( accidently because he was logged into a different e mail account ) that he has a full profile on a website which is rather sordid . He ieven has his picture on it and says he's been separated a year .
It seems he has email accounts I know nothing about and he's been talking online to women in a graphic way. I haven't told him I know or confronted him I just can't right now feel too sick and drained .I have confided in my best friend tho who insisted I come stay with little ones last night I she was fantastic. it's such a relief to have told her.
I think I'm going see a Soloctor but I'm just not ready yet . I know I need to prepare but this has been a light bulb moment .
As awful as it is I know I've got to really hurt him to make my and dc life better and after 23 years that is scary .

InOtherNews Sun 09-Mar-14 22:14:11

He's hurt you too, in a whole range of ways. You sound, like someone said up thread, like a strong person in a bad situation. Really glad this was a light bulb moment for you, and really glad you are beginning to take those steps to make life better and safer for you and your children. There is a lot of support on here if and when you need it.

Cabrinha Mon 10-Mar-14 08:06:03

Why do you think you're going to hurt him?
You poor thing sad
You'll piss him off taking control and refusing to be bullied (his treatment of you is cold, mean, disgusting, degrading) and inconvenience him...
But you won't hurt him, because he doesn't give a shit about you.
Sorry, I know that's blunt, but it's true.
Don't worry about him coping with paying a bill. Of course he bloody can. Not that it's your responsibility to worry about that when he's such a SHIT.
Women's Aid - imagine a happy stress free summer (then Xmas...) in your new life this year smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 10-Mar-14 08:16:53

You're miserable now because you've backed off from acting in the past thinking he'll be hurt. It's left you depressed and suicidal and Cabrinhas's right, he doesn't give a crap about any of it.

Do what you need to for yourself and your DC. Put yourself #1 priority for a change. If he is hurt because you want a peaceful and happy life, that's really his problem. He'll live.

Cantthinkstraightx Mon 10-Mar-14 08:30:28

Thanks so much I know what your saying is right kind of feels like its happening g to someone else .. I found an eBay account last night and in October he bought a spy camera to go in his key fob ??? What's that all about ?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 10-Mar-14 08:42:28

I hold down a professional job and absolutely no one has any clue apart from my dc and DH how unhappy I am

Have you fixed this aspect yet? Have you someone you can talk to about all this... peculiar key fob included?

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 10-Mar-14 08:47:40

I don't know Cant but it isn't good, and you are finding out things that indicate he is even worse than you thought... Sorry.... If you don't feel up to womens aid, is there a friend you can go to for a couple of days, if the nanny took charge, at least of the older ones? Maybe you get enough calm then to realise you need to be out of this relationship, for your sake, and your kids, and find a way to do it, and the strength...x

ParsleyTheLioness Mon 10-Mar-14 08:48:51

I worded that badly. I know you realise you need to be out of it, I was just thinking of how to see a way, IUSWIM.

DIYapprentice Mon 10-Mar-14 12:50:09

A spy camera to go on his key fob? If it's always on his key ring (you can check, can't you?) at a guess it would be for using to see under women's skirts, etc.

If it's not on the keys, it's stashed somewhere in the house I'm afraid.

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