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How to end a relationship?

(38 Posts)
NachoAddict Sun 02-Mar-14 09:17:21

I am at the end of my tether with dp.

I work 30 hours to his 37 yet I do all the night wakings with ds, all the early mornings, even if he gets up and leaves me in bed (rare) I still have to deal with ds until about 7.30/8 when he will have been awake from 6.

He doesn't pull his weight around the house, I do at least 95% of the cooking and housework even when he was out of work for 3 months I was still coming home and doing it.

We agreed that he could spend the evenings doing his hobby as long as he waited until 8pm when all of the kids are in bed but he keeps creeping off earlier and earlier.

Because of his hobby which he does each evening he is too tired to have any kind of sex life. We've not had sec in a month because he only has the energy in the morning when of course all the kids are about.

So I have had enough and think I would be better off on my own with the kids but don't know how to end it. I don't want a huge drama with me kicking him out into the street with his bags packed. We have a ds together so want it to be as amicable as possible.

Also am I being selfish to end it, he is not abusive and things aren't horrible, should I put up for our ds sake? I know hes not perfect but then who is.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 02-Mar-14 09:20:23

You can decide to end a relationship whenever you want; you shouldn't have to wait to get hit or abused.

Are you renting, or have you got a mortgage together or on your own?

NachoAddict Sun 02-Mar-14 09:22:17

We are renting, the lease is in my name as I already lived here and he moved in with me.

Leviticus Sun 02-Mar-14 09:40:19

From what you've said perhaps you need a serious talk first.

louby44 Sun 02-Mar-14 09:42:44

Yes I think you need to talk first. Do you still love him? Do you do anything together?

SolidGoldBrass Sun 02-Mar-14 09:47:11

No, don't waste time with talking first. Tell this man that the relationship is over. Talking won't do any good because he is not only selfish, he fundamentally believes that the Man Of The House is the one who matters, ie him, and that you are there to make his life better.
Because if you tell him it's time he pulled his weight, he will promise to do better, and maybe cook a meal or two with much huffing and puffing and using every pan in the house. He will bring you a bunch of petrol station flowers. He will carry on doing his hobby (is it Minecraft or something like that?). Any further requests from you will be met with whining, sulking and 'I'm trying for GOd's sake, housework is so much harder for men, you're so critical, it's not fairwaa, waa'.
Just save the time and energy and bin him now.

NachoAddict Sun 02-Mar-14 09:55:56

We have spoken many times about him not pulling his weight but it always ends up being me just nagging at him.

Solid I can see your scenario happening, its like you have a crystal ball. We have talked and talked before and things improve briefly.

I think, if we split up, I will still be doing all the housework, child care etc but I wouldn't be resenting it because I would have one less person to clear up after and not helping if that makes sense.

But for that small gain for me, ds would have a big loss of not having his dad around and seeing much less of his sister (dsd).

Is that a fair trade off?

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 02-Mar-14 09:56:43

I'd sit him down, tell him it is over, and that he has a week to find somewhere else to live.

NachoAddict Sun 02-Mar-14 10:04:30

Sorry missed a few questions.

No we don't do anything together as a couple but we do spend Saturdays all together with the kids, go to the park/swimming etc.

I think I do love him but it's hard to tell because I don't like him very much at the moment if that makes sense.

A weeks not very long though, although that is the kind of thing I was considering. Would he sleep on the sofa in the meantime? What if he hadn't found anywhere in the time frame?

NachoAddict Sun 02-Mar-14 10:05:17

Oh and its not make minecraft but yes online gaming.

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 02-Mar-14 10:11:01

If hasn't found anywhere in the meantime then hotel? B&B? Mummy? Daddy? Sister? Friend?

NachoAddict Sun 02-Mar-14 10:15:26

Hotel and B & B would be out of his price range as he only earns a low wage.

His mum and sister would have him (they live together) but he says he wouldn't go there, they don't get on very well. He could possibly stay with friends but I think more likely he would park on the drive and sleep in his car (he has done this before). Then I would feel guilty and let him in because I don't hate him and don't want him to suffer, I am just sick if being walked all over.

scarletforya Sun 02-Mar-14 10:18:34

Agree with SGB. He's a passenger. Ask him to leave, I bet he won't take you seriously though.

I'm not sure how you will bee able to get him out.

Dirtybadger Sun 02-Mar-14 10:19:31

Too tired from online gaming? I was thinking you had a late night gym nearby or he was into late night running...y'know, something involving physical exertion. Hmm.

scarletforya Sun 02-Mar-14 10:20:30

Oh God, just seen that about sleeping in the car. Deliberate helplessness, making himself your problem. A clingon.

Could you possibly move yourself?

SolidGoldBrass Sun 02-Mar-14 10:21:56

If the house is in your name you can throw him out - or, if it becomes necessary, call the police to physically drag him out.
YOu can start by giving him notice to go - say a fortnight. He is an adult, low-waged or not, and it's up to him to find somewhere. At teh end of the fortnight, pack his bags and change the locks. If he parks his car on the drive when he's been told to leave you can call the police to move him on.

This man is a classic cocklodger. DOn't waste sympathy on him. He will move on to another woman he thinks is dumb and desperate enough to let a parasite live with her because 'any man is better than not having a man'.

Dirtybadger Sun 02-Mar-14 10:22:20

If he doesn't want to live with them but it is the best option, tough, I think. You don't want to live with him, why should you be making all the sacrifices?

RandomMess Sun 02-Mar-14 10:23:36

So he's into emotional blackmail then as well!

You need to stand firm and tell him to grow up and move out.

NachoAddict Sun 02-Mar-14 10:25:36

That what I am worried about Scarlet if I tell him to get out or pack his bags etc he just says I'm not going anywhere, how are you going to make me. That's why I want to keep it calm and be reasonable about it. So he cant just say I am angry and over reacting.

I don't want to move, I love my house, I live the area its convenient for school and work. He couldn't afford to keep it on anyway so if I left him it would be a waste.

RandomMess Sun 02-Mar-14 10:34:16

Perhaps serve him with a formal eviction notice? Presumably as you're not married he only has "lodger" rights, what rights do they have?

RandomMess Sun 02-Mar-14 10:36:25

Also stop doing EVERYTHING for him that way you can claim CTC as a single parent. You need to sleep seperately and it means no shared shopping/cleaning/cooking/washing etc.

Won't be pleasant but your withdrawl of "wife" duties may encourage to go elsewhere.

I would actually wait until he goes out somewhere and change the locks, my understanding as sole tenant you are entitled to do this but must provide your landlord/letting agent with a copy.

NachoAddict Sun 02-Mar-14 10:42:16

I am having palpatations imagining the state of my home if I stop clearing up after him! I stopped putting his clean washing away two weeks ago, it is still in a pile on the dining table where I keep picking it up off the floor and putting it.

I think tonight when all the dc are in bed I will tell him I am not happy and want him to move out. Give him two weeks to sort somewhere and pass him a blanket for the sofa.

I haven't got the energy for a big drama or a row. I just hope he takes me seriously.

RandomMess Sun 02-Mar-14 10:53:52

I don't think he will. Buy some thick/strong bin liners and anything of his just bung in there out of your way and leave it outside - it can live in his car.

It really doesn't sound as though he gives two hoots about you. "I just hope he takes me seriously"...

Give him a week tops - he has somewhere to go, his family, it's not your problem he doesn't want to be there.

mumwantingmore Sun 02-Mar-14 10:55:55

Am in a similar situation and my oh has refused to move out/ get a divorce/ go to counselling/ come up with or agree to ways to improve our situation/ even sleep on sofa or another room. I am now shelling out for counselling for myself - Don't know what else I can do sad will be watching your post carefully NachoAddict! I do still love my oh but cannot tolerate this abuse (and it is a form of abuse) anymore. No one deserves this...:'(

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 02-Mar-14 10:56:40

If you think he will get funny about it then change the locks before you ask him to leave and when he next comes back, give him his belongings and say 'Its over'. It's not your responsibility to work out where he is going to live. If he can't be arsed to participate in an adult relationship with you then why are you bothering worrying about him?

Stop being a wet blanket.

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