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Are my friends right and I've actually gone mad?

(85 Posts)
LikeATeenager Sat 01-Mar-14 18:06:51

Hi all,
I'd really appreciate some perspective on this one as my gut is telling me one thing and my friends another!
I've had a difficult few years. My much loved father died unexpectedly which made me question everything, and as a result I ended up splitting up from my husband (we are still good friends though fortunately - no DC)
I then had a bit of a crazy year - think far too much alcohol and sleeping around. I wasn't hurting anyone though and have no regrets. Something I needed to do I think!!!

Anyway an old acquaintance popped out of the woodwork 4 months ago and despite neither of us 'looking' for a relationship we have fallen head over heels. All good so far! However he lives 250 miles away, and I am being made redundant in May. For various reasons the next job I get I must stay in for 2 years minimum. As a result after a lot of coming and going we have decided I will look for a job in his home town and move there as neither of us can face only seeing each other every two weeks for the next two and a half years (at the moment we see each other a lot as my redundancy means I can do a lot more flexible working from home)

My friends think I am mad to be moving halfway down the country. However we did live together for 3 years at uni and know we get on. I would rent and not sell my house so that I could always return if I needed to.

Their other concern is that I earn a very good salary which I could not get in his area. Whereas he is starting as a mature student next year for a 7 year course.

But the cost of living where he lives is so much better than London that even on a reduced salary I would be better off. I also love the area. But more than anything else I love him and want to be with him.

Oh and ps I wouldn't ask him to move to me due to the cost of living and family commitments in his area.

So - I just wondered after being ambushed by my friends yet again today (in swell meaning way!) what you ladies thought. Oh and I am 28 if that matters. Thank you

AmazingJumper Sat 01-Mar-14 18:13:07

Your friends and family just don't want to loose you. Unless they have concrete reservations about his character ignore them.

addictedtosugar Sat 01-Mar-14 18:14:17

I've got a friend who moved 300 miles for a bloke who she met online.
They re very happy together, and have 2 beautiful kids. Still sorting out the divorce papers on both sides.

To get a job, you may well need to move. In some ways focusing on one area will make life easier.

I'd go for it. But then I've never lived in London, and we are several hundred miles from any family. if I'd only ever lived in one place, it may be a harder decision to make.

ProfYaffle Sat 01-Mar-14 18:15:00

I did a very similar thing when I met my (now) dh. I moved halfway across the country though it was easier as I got a 6 month secondment with work and was only lodging with a friend at the time so no property worries. I was the same age as you. We're now 14 years down the line, married and have 2 dc. We're very happy and I love where I live now.

Sometimes you have to just take your courage in both hands and go for it. Very sensible to rent out your property, if it all goes to pot you can come back home and at least you won't be wondering what could've been.

IAmNotAMindReader Sat 01-Mar-14 18:15:17

No I don't think you are mad. From a financial stand point it seems like you will be better off.
The only mad thing would be to sell up everything and move in with him but it sounds as if you have your head screwed on. Start by living separately first. You can supplement your income by renting out your house and he can get student finance for his course. He must have already sorted the financial side of it before you two got together so that shouldn't change. When you are ready to move in you can re-examine your finances and plan ahead.

Sleepyfergus Sat 01-Mar-14 18:15:33

Sounds like you both have thought about it, and if it makes you both happy then go for it. If you don't you might break up with the strain of trying to see each other over the distance, and if you don't try them you'll never know.

You friends are prob just concerned and want you to be happy.

Good luck!!!

exexpat Sat 01-Mar-14 18:16:02

If you're not burning any bridges, are not making yourself entirely dependent on this man so that you would be stuck if the relationship doesn't work out, and you don't have DCs to worry about, then I would probably go for it.

Four months of a long distance relationship is not long, and normally I would say you were rushing in too fast, but you were friends before, so you do know him as a person.

FWIW, DH and I met as students, were friends for a year, and only got together a few weeks before we both left the country (me for study, him for work, as he had just graduated). After six months of a very long-distance relationship - just letters and phone calls, didn't see each other at all - he quit his well-paying, prestigious, career-track job and came out to join me in the country where I was studying, with no job, and where he didn't even speak the language and I was the only person he knew. Seemed crazy to everyone at the time, but we had 18 very happy years together before he died. So it can work.

ThePinkOcelot Sat 01-Mar-14 18:17:57

I think I would follow your heart and go for it. As long as you have a safety net and don't burn all of your bridges to home should things go wrong. If you don't you might always regret it. Best to regret what you did do, rather than regret what you don't. Good luck.

LikeATeenager Sat 01-Mar-14 18:30:36

Aw thanks so much everyone - you have made me feel so much better! Yes it might not work out but what is life without a few risks and love!!! And expat I am so sorry for your loss

exexpat Sat 01-Mar-14 18:43:51

Thank you - better to have loved and lost, as they say. I'm glad DH decided to take the risk.

ImperialBlether Sat 01-Mar-14 19:16:42

I think you're mad! You've got to stay in a job for two years. He has to stay where he is for 7 years. You can't earn the money you should if you live in his town. This will affect your whole career!

So you are giving up your career for the sake of his career?

I'm going to set SolidGoldBrass on you! Seriously, you are making a big mistake.

WarmFuzzyFuture Sat 01-Mar-14 19:25:53

Phew, I thought I was the only one who saw things that way Blether.

LikeATeenager Sat 01-Mar-14 19:36:55

Oh no, not SGB!!! Seriously though - I have never really cared about climbing the career ladder so to speak - I just have done it until now to give myself financial stability. So long as I can still earn enough to ensure I am independent it doesn't unfairly concern me that I am moving away from the rat race.
Also in 5 years time I will be mortgage free and can sell my teeny house for a massive one up there if I so chose...

EirikurNoromaour Sat 01-Mar-14 19:45:54

I probably listened too much to friends who didn't want me to move away when I was younger. You have to do what's right for you. As long as you keep your security and know that you would be ok staying and working in his area if the relationship didn't work out I'd say go for it.

Bogeyface Sat 01-Mar-14 19:52:02

Imperial All the good jobs are not in London you know. It may be hard to believe but it is possible to live a good life and have a good career in other places hmm

ImperialBlether Sat 01-Mar-14 19:54:46

So basically his life isn't going to change at all, is it? You are making a huge leap of faith and he's just emptying some drawers for you. You know you will be financially supporting him too, don't you? I know this sounds horrible, but he must think Christmas has come early.

quietlysuggests Sat 01-Mar-14 19:55:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperialBlether Sat 01-Mar-14 19:57:07

It was the OP who spoke about the career disadvantages of moving out of London, bogeyface. I live in the north and have lived in London, so I am quite aware of career prospects up here, thank you!

ImperialBlether Sat 01-Mar-14 19:57:52

quietlysuggests, four months ago she hadn't given this guy a second thought!

quietlysuggests Sat 01-Mar-14 20:32:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RRRJ83 Sat 01-Mar-14 20:37:06

I did this OP. After 6 months, I moved 250 miles away from friends and family, quit a job I loved all for a guy I met on holiday. 5 years later we're married and have our first baby on the way. I was younger than you at 25, and can honestly say I have never ever been happier nor regret a thing. I say go for it. If it works out, it is solo worth it x

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Sat 01-Mar-14 20:42:00

So are you going to be the bread winner for the next 7 years?

Have you discussedhow thats going to work?
Who pays what?
Who does what domestically?
Plans for children? Or not having children?

It may seem all romantic and life changing to take off across the country for lurve, but ensure all the practicalities have been discussed and agreed.
Its a big move to make and it should be planned not winged.

scarletforya Sat 01-Mar-14 20:43:44

You're going to be supporting him for seven years!?

LikeATeenager Sat 01-Mar-14 20:48:23

We have discussed it. I've said 34 is the longest I want to wait to have kids and he has agreed. I will pay half the mortgage and bills and he has a fair amount of savings to cover his uni costs. He will incur some debt with tuition fees but refuses to allow me to give him any money towards that. Obviously ultimately if we ended up married it would all be 'our' money and debt regardless...

RRRJ83 Sat 01-Mar-14 20:50:54

The only 7 year courses I can think of will result in a very good job. In 7 years he may be supporting her, what's the issue? I think it's irrelevant. I would support my husband for 7 years if it's something he really wanted...Why should he give up his opportunities. In 7 years they may move back to London.

You seem to be overthinking this.

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