Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Messing with my head

(16 Posts)
Sickandtired14 Sat 01-Mar-14 16:49:04

Ok, so I posted before as I split from my husband and the general concenus was that I'm better off. Problem is, I still want him. So bearing the in mind... Is he messing with my head??

He refuses to answer anything along the lines of 'do u love me? Do u miss me' etc type questions. I should point out that we haven't spoken apart from regarding our child in a few days now. But when we were arguing he would say how he didn't want this anymore and divorce etc but if I asked 'do u still love me?' He would reply 'don't ask me this question. Anyway, he is still wearing his wedding ring. He replies to messages regarding our daughter but sometimes the messages don't need a response. He hasn't told any of his/our friends, except one as he is staying with his best friend so obviously he knows. He took some stuff when he moved out but has left loads of personal stuff here.
He was quite nasty and dismissive the last time we saw each other but since then I haven't called or text him and today he is quite civil, keeps glancing at me out the side of his eye.

I don't know what to think. Is he messing with my head or am I?? Is this actions speak louder then words? He knows I want to stay together. Am I being a fool?
Thanks in advance, I'm just struggling to decide whether to move on or keep living in perpetual hope.

ImperialBlether Sat 01-Mar-14 17:03:54

I think the golden rule is to only be involved with someone who loves you and treats you well. He's telling you he doesn't love you (yes, that's what he's doing when he refuses to answer your question) and he is horrible to you. When you distance yourself, he gets a bit more keen. However, that doesn't mean he's worth having; it means he enjoys a bit of a chase, that's all.

pictish Sat 01-Mar-14 17:07:30

Why do you want to be with someone who you have to beg to know if he loves you or not, and who (in your own words) is nasty and dismissive to you? Where's your pride?

kickassangel Sat 01-Mar-14 17:15:03

He is messing with your head. It looks like he wants to keep you dangling but without actually giving you anything.

Stop contacting him, minimal communication about things that are necessary. Build your own life. If it turns out he made a massive mistake and does really live you, he will see that more clearly if you have taken a step back.

Sickandtired14 Sat 01-Mar-14 17:32:34

That's where we are now. We split and he is very angry at me hence the refusing to answer stuff. I have cut all communication unless it concerns out daughter, or the pregnancy. Maybe it's all too fresh. I'm trying to just get on with life but I'm all confused with emotions and hormones. Just sometimes it's good to get others perspective. Thanks

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 01-Mar-14 17:43:41

He is also messing with your head also because he knows that you want to stay together. You need to examine more your reasons why because getting back with him would be the biggest error of judgment you have ever made (I am basing that on your other thread as well). You cannot fix, rescue or save someone this damaged. Love is simply not enough and it does not conquer all. Also such a man would provide a terrible example of parenthood to your children; they deserve better frankly and so do you.

He does not love you and likely never has because he really does not know the meaning of the word. Love to him is just a verb, not an action and words are cheap. He likes the power and control he still has over you hence the now apparent civilness towards you because he knows now that you are backing away from him.

Abusive men like this man remain abusive; he was just nice enough long enough in the relationship (which was doomed from the beginning due to his nature) to hook you in hook line and sinker. Thankfully he has now gone; he needs to stay gone as well.

Honestly such men can do great damage to their chosen (and yes you were targeted too) victims.

Sickandtired14 Sat 01-Mar-14 22:44:45

Thank you. I guess I know all this deep down. Just having a hard time accepting it. Feel like a bit of a prat to be honest. Like I'm being terribly weak and self indulgent. I'm sure if I have it enough time and distance I'll get over him. Thanks all

Benzalkonium Sat 01-Mar-14 22:47:08

Why are you asking him if he still loves you? He has asked you not to, and frankly you are asking to have your head messed with if you keep asking those questions.

Sickandtired14 Sat 01-Mar-14 23:33:46

I was, when we first split. Haven't for a while now. But it struck me as odd that he would answer a question directly such as 'what shall I do with your stuff?' Or similar, but if I asked 'do you still love me he would say 'don't asked me this question. I'm quite emotionally needy I guess. I'm overthinking it all. Need some space

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 02-Mar-14 06:59:36

You're messing with your own head, unfortunately. It's understandable that you're finding it difficult to separate yourself from him but keeping on examining his words and actions for signs of affection is not allowing you to get on with your life. I'm glad you're not in contact with him. Do everything you can to fill your life with other things and other people. Give yourself less time to dwell and obsess.

Joysmum Sun 02-Mar-14 08:38:48

Do you want him, or do you want a partner?

honey86 Sun 02-Mar-14 09:04:10

I know how you feel cos im in this same situationconfusedsad its so frickin hard specially when theres a child cos you know you cant just bin them n never see them again, and you know that one day youd have to see them with someone else when you once had that...thats a bitter pill to swallow. your walking into the unknown, and i suppose theres an element of loneliness too that makes it doubly hard to let go. difference with me is that my ex says he loves me n that its me he wants to be with, but wont do anything about it then refuses to answer questions. theres no doubt im being strung along, but when it comes to letting go when you have kids with that person let alone a pregnancy, easier said than done. here if u wana let it outx

Sickandtired14 Sun 02-Mar-14 10:41:10

I don't know. I don't know if I want him, want the actual him or want the him I think he is. Have I made up a loving affectionate version of him in my head? He can be that guy sometimes. Have I convinced myself that that is the real him but for some unknown reason he hides it really well most of the time? I think he does love me, in his own way. And maybe I just never interpreted that right. Someone said to me recently that love isn't static, it's shown in various ways and have me an example. Her husband is emotionally empty. She says he is not that affectionate, doesn't verbalise, crap at anniversaries, crap with gifts, not romantic etc but he puts up shelves and spend his time on the home etc. He's rubbish at family time. To them that's how they show love. Maybe I want this display that will be obvious to me and I'm getting it wrong. I don't know. I wish I could shut off my brain.

It's my birthday. And I just want to have him say happy birthday. He probably hasn't even remembered. I'm just hung up on him right now and I can't get past it.

Honey86: sorry your going through it too. That sucks to be told he loves you and wants you but then isn't doing anything. Actions speak louder then words. I too am afraid of seeing him and wanting him over the years and him not wanting me. It would be easier if he disappeared completely. Dropped off the face of the planet and I never had to interact with him again!! But with one child and one on the way... And I'm a hopeless romantic. So visions of a reunion are clouding my thoughts. Maybe it's time I grew up abit

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 02-Mar-14 10:45:33

He's your ex. You're two separate people. Not a couple and not necessarily friends. 'Love' is really not part of the deal any more. Some divorced couples can be friendly with each other afterwards but I think a sizeable (bigger?) number find it easier to simply detach completely and cut all links. Your friend's husband may be emotionally empty but he's a husband. Your ex is no longer your husband...

pictish Sun 02-Mar-14 11:02:17

Have I made up a loving affectionate version of him in my head? He can be that guy sometimes. Have I convinced myself that that is the real him but for some unknown reason he hides it really well most of the time? I think he does love me, in his own way. And maybe I just never interpreted that right.

With all the best will in the world OP, you are clutching at straws and diminishing yourself in the process. Why on earth would he hide the real him? What you see is what you get - and that's the real him. He's not some romantic hero from a movie or novel, all cruel lips and brooding demeanour, masking his true passion...he's a real live person that is patently not in love with you, and barely makes any bones about it.

Personally speaking, I wouldn't be even slightly interested in trying to force love out of any man. I wouldn't beg anyone to love me. I have more self eateem than that, and if he doesn't want me, it's his loss and my bullet dodged. Who wants to be in a relationship where you have to extort affection, instead of having it given freely? That way madness lies!

If he doesn't want you, then it's not good enough. Don't romanticise it into something it isn't. It's just not good enough. Move on...for your own sanity and self respect, move on.

honey86 Sun 02-Mar-14 12:06:30

I hate to say it hun but Cogito and pictish are right... It sounds like your mind is desperately trying to pick out excuses for his behaviour, explanations etc. over the time ive been having this done to me ive figured that its actually me and my fight /flight thing trying to bury my head in the sand to avoid the inevitable pain of letting go.

On the one hand its me trying to cling on cos im scared of being alone and not being someones special someone. Scared that no fucker would take on a mum of four kids with 3 kids semi orphaned one disabled and a dysfunctional family.

On the other hand its him enjoying his ego stroke. I bet hes revelling in the fact that he has a woman chasing him, whom he can use to his advantage cos hes an selfish overconfident smegcheese. My ex even made me feel i have to justify why i was going out. Made plans to go out on the lash n when i tried talking about 'us' again, he said 'whats the point in trying, youre going to get drunk tonight anyway'. Which made me cancel going out cos i was scared of losing the chance he had dangled on a string. I only realised it was a control tactic the next day when he still wouldnt talk after i did what he wanted.

Nevertheless, in order for either of us to move on we need to somehow pull ourselves together, let go of the straws and accept that we are no longer their OH, merely a fieldmouse toy to a stray cat, and wander out on our own again.

Easier said than done, yes, ive been through my most recent pregnancy without him and its lonely sometimes hard, but doable. Its resisting that urge to get sucked in again which is so hard when youre self esteem or confidence is zilch.and saying this is different from doing, doing takes balls which i dont seem to have sometimes .

The only thing i can suggest is to test the water with as little contact as poss, and spend time distracting yourself with you, doing things for you (housework and long walks for me). But when the kids are in bed i let myself cry myself to sleep (if need be) with a wine, scream in my pillow n stuff to let it all out, n allow myself to feel the pain. Cos processing that pain and anxiety and letting off steam is what helps u grieve the loss of the relationship.face it thats the only way out of this mess for any of us.. Its either that or we keep going through this horrible rollercoaster x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now