Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Equal leisure time? I'm not sure...

(21 Posts)
DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld Sat 01-Mar-14 16:24:46

At a casual glance, me and DH have roughly the same amount of evenings out with friends. My problem is that his tend to be pub, club, stay with friends and make his way home the next afternoon (I'm actually waiting for him now!) Mine seem to be a couple of hours in the pub near my house, home at a reasonable hour and then up early the next morning with DS. There's no way that's fair, right?

It's been years since I last stayed out all night. I'm rapidly losing friends because I don't go to the town they live in (I used to live there too, until DS. It's just too far and too expensive to go loads.) While he swans about without a care in the world. I'm sick of being stuck at home all the damn time! I'd actually quite like a night out the way he does it, but he works so damn much that I never get the chance.

Logg1e Sat 01-Mar-14 17:52:39

He's not at work today if you're still waiting for him so why didn't you go away last night?

Joysmum Sat 01-Mar-14 17:59:15

You're making a mistake in not doing what he does. He won't see an issue otherwise. If you want to go to your old area, go and ask to crash at a mates place, just as your FH does.

He's been out overnight this weekend, make sure you tell him it's your turn next week.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 01-Mar-14 18:20:03

The problem for me would not be so much that I didn't get to stay out all night boozing & clubbing the way he does but why he feels the need to do that when he has you and DS at home. He's not acting like a family man at all and I don't think 'working hard' really cuts it.

clam Sat 01-Mar-14 18:32:17

I work hard. I don't, however, do all-nighters.

What's the link?

Squitten Sat 01-Mar-14 19:09:16

My DH stays out late sometimes - I generally don't. However, he doesn't get hugely drunk and he is always up at 6:30am with our older kids. I'm BF the baby through the night and it's just understood that he has to help. I don't think it would even occur to him not to come home at all and I would go absolutely bezerk at him if he did!

I agree it's about not being a family player

Diagonally Sat 01-Mar-14 22:41:19

How frequently does this occur?

I agree he doesn't sound like he's really committing himself to family life, does he?

And the coming home in the afternoon thing - outrageous. As a parent you know you damn well get home to the DC and partner as early as possible after a night out.

If you can't cope with kids and a hangover it's time to ditch the partying.

fairylightsintheloft Sat 01-Mar-14 23:13:17

hmm I slightly disagree with some of the above. DH and I go out (separately) and have a decent night, maybe an hour away from where we live. We don't get totally twatted but enough to want a bit of a lie in and not be dealing with 2 pre-schoolers at 6am. I do this slightly more frequently than Dh as I have more separate circles of friends in more far flung places. Its all about balance. There is no "right" way and I disagree that he is not necessarily committing to family life if one night out of 30 (say) he is not there til the following day. Dh and I acknowledge that part of the "night off" is the time the next morning to have a bit of a sleep, brunch with the friends and then get home. Bottom line is that if you feel it is unfair, that you WANT to go out more, for longer, then he should facilitate that and happily (not grudgingly) allow you to go.

Logg1e Sun 02-Mar-14 07:07:21

We don't get totally twatted but enough to want a bit of a lie in and not be dealing with 2 pre-schoolers at 6am.

I've never thought I was a martyr to my children, but the fact that I feel so strongly against this sentence, especially the not wanting to be dealing with the needs of young children because you're hungover, makes me wonder.

BusinessUnusual Sun 02-Mar-14 07:20:55

Why Logg? As long as one of the parents is present and up to it and it's all agreed ahead?

OP, YANBU. Go and stay with some of your old friends sometimes. You are not currently having equal leisure time as his nights out are 18 hours long!

Logg1e Sun 02-Mar-14 07:24:26

I feel really uncomfortable that I'd be deciding to go out, knowing that I'm choosing nursing a hangover over the needs of my children.

Disclaimer: I know that this is the result of my own childhood(!) and I'm not criticising FairyLightsInTheLoft so much as wondering if I've gone too far the other way. I think not, given that I'd rather eat my own toenail clippings on toast then go out clubbing and drinking.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 02-Mar-14 07:26:06

I'm no parental martyr either but, rather like Logg1e, I took it as read that my nights on the lash and crawling home the next afternoon with a headache had to go on the back-burner once DS came along. smile Evenings out, yes. 18 hour benders... no.

clam Sun 02-Mar-14 09:44:24

Preferring not to get up with pre-schoolers at the crack of dawn after an evening out (or anytime, really) and organising that your partner will cover it, does not make anyone a bad parent, fgs!

Logg1e Sun 02-Mar-14 09:53:17

I, personally, am not comfortable with regularly choosing to drink and have a hangover rather than be available to my children in the morning (6:30 is not considered overly early here).

Again - please take this in the context of somebody whose parents did choose a drinking lifestyle over the needs of their children.

georgesdino Sun 02-Mar-14 09:55:35

I have stayed out all night before, as has dh. The other parent is always here so I see no harm. The problem here is hes not sharing.

SolidGoldBrass Sun 02-Mar-14 09:59:56

Loggie - at least you see that it's your own issues here. Plenty of parents like to have the occasional night out and lie-in and, as long as they have arranged childcare, there is nothing wrong with it.

I pull regular all-nighters and sleepovers myself. I enjoy it and it does DS no harm - makes no difference to him whether I am sleeping off a hangover somewhere or workiing over a weekend away from home.

THe OP's problem is that her H is taking more leisure time for himself than he is allowing her.

Logg1e Sun 02-Mar-14 10:06:02

I agree with your first paragraph SGB. I don't think it's a decision I, personally, would comfortable with.

clam Sun 02-Mar-14 10:54:15

I know you've acknowledged it might be "your stuff," but it nonetheless comes over as a bit smug and judgy. Noone on here is advocating stumbling around drunk and neglecting their kids - having a few glasses of wine is not a crime.

WaitingForMe Sun 02-Mar-14 11:06:03

Fortunately I don't need the likes of Logg1e to feel comfortable about my choices grin

When DH and I go out the other one does morning routine the next day so the party parent gets a lie in. What is fair is consistency and OP had one rule for her nights out and another for her DH's which isn't fair.

I actually see it more about sleep than hangoveryness.

HelenHen Sun 02-Mar-14 15:43:52

Aw jaysus... It's just like breastfeeding, co-sleeping, etc. We all have different lifestyles, parenting methods, etc. I would not be happy with dh staying out... But that's just me. When he goes out, he's usually Home before I go to bed and I certainly would not expect him to be a responsible parent the next morning. We're only early 30s and its s bit young for us to give up on our social life completely. I'm 33 weeks pg so not much of a drinking buddy!

HelenHen Sun 02-Mar-14 15:47:50

Anyway op if you feel he's staying out too long, tell him it's unacceptable now that he has family.

Alternatively if you feel like it's what you want to do too... Plan it and do it!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now