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Honest opinions please. Marriage deteriorated and husband controlling.

(6 Posts)
Suzyjane1 Sat 01-Mar-14 15:35:24

The situation is..

H is so moody. Mean and intolerant towards my teenage ds1 (from a previous relationship but H adopted). Finds fault with pretty much everything ds1 does. Ds1 is mid assessment for ASD. Has had difficulties all his life and still doesn't have proper friends.

H is so controlling. Eg today I mentioned that I need to do a food shop and he told me it wasn't practical and that he would do it. I ended up begging him and he still refused to let me go.

I am totally reliant on him. He drives, has bank card, moans at every penny I spend. I have child benefit (Roughly �185 every four weeks and I make sure it goes on 3 dcs and things they need. School trips, hair cuts, odd bit of clothing etc)

We don't have a physical relationship anymore. Mainly my choice but tbh he doesn't seem that bothered.

I find myself avoiding him and dreading him coming home. When he's not here I have fun with kids.

stinkypants Sun 02-Mar-14 08:51:24

It sounds very stressful for you. Have you ever had a proper discussion about his controlling ways? What would he do if you told him you are unhappy and can't carry on like this - is he capable of change? He must be aware that you are not happy and perhaps this is making him even more controlling as he fears that you will leave. If there is anything left in feelings for him I think relationship counselling would be worthwhile. If you just want it to be over and move on with your life then the sooner you at least talk about things the better s it could just carry on like this for years. Good lluck

wannabestressfree Sun 02-Mar-14 08:55:37

I couldn't live like that sorry. You shouldn't be begging for the card he should let you take it. I feel for you it must be so upsetting.
Does he know how you feel?
The situation with your son strikes a chord with me as I have been in a relationship nearly four years and I am having some 'time out' due to his inability to not pick holes in my ds2 (who is 12). I won't tolerate it and he comes first. I am just trying to decide if he can change.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 02-Mar-14 08:59:59

You say the behaviour has deteriorated. How long have you been married and when did the deterioration start do you think? Regardless, it sounds like a bloody awful marriage that goes beyond controlling and into abusive.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 02-Mar-14 09:00:43

He is not just moody. There is a saying; mean with money, mean with love. Your last sentence re him is particularly telling.

I would ask of you what you yourself get out of this relationship now with this man. What needs of yours are being met here by him?.

Your H is actually abusing you in a number of ways here; there is also financial abuse on his part here towards you as well because of the ways he behaves towards you with money. He's basically denying you all the funds required and that is a deliberate act on his part.

I would speak to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and plan your exit from this now with due care. There is no future at all in this and joint counselling is a complete non starter due to the abuse meted out by him. No decent counsellor would ever see the two of you together. He would likely never go to counselling as he feels he is not doing anything wrong in the first place. Such men too do not change readily.

This is also no role model of a relationship for your children to be witnessing either is it?. What do you think they are learning about relationships from the two of you here currently?. They are learning a lot of damaging lessons here; this is not the legacy you want to be leaving them.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 02-Mar-14 09:04:23

I think he has always been abusive towards you (and you were targeted) but abuse like this too is insidious in its onset and you perhaps both minimised and waved it aside these past few years. At the same time the power and control he wants over you has been ramped up.

He likely as well knows how unhappy you are and simply does not care at all. Its remains about him and what he wants; it suits him no end to keep you in the hole he has partially dug for you. You still have a choice though and you can leave this man. You and he should no longer be together.

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