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Is this gaslighting?

(3 Posts)
Wonderingwhatcomesnext Sat 01-Mar-14 11:37:16

DH has now moved out but often used to say things and then act like he hadn't said them. He is still doing it now with regard to contact with the DCs. An example would be yesterday when he came round to walk the dog and as he was going said 'I will be up later to walk him again and I will take out DD2 in the pram for a walk if you want.' I rang him later to see what time he was coming so that we would be in and he basically said that he had never said he would take out DD2, he was just coming up to walk the dog but that if I wanted him to take her out so that I could have a 'break' (not likely with a 4 year old still in the house) then he would take her out. So it has all been turned round to make it look like he is doing me this massive favour rather than actually doing what he had said he would.

When we were still together, I mentioned that I was thinking of going to one of those big sofa stores to buy a new sofa as our old one was getting lumpy and uncomfy and I was heavily pregnant. I was thinking of CSL or DFS so I could get it on interest free credit and just pay off a bit each month rather than paying a big lump sum just as I was about to go on maternity leave. DH said no, don't go to CSL/DFS, go to the sofa warehouse in the next town that does end of line/slight seconds/ex-display sofas. I said no as they don't do interest free credit. He said go to the sofa warehouse and he would pay for it out of his savings (we have seperate money) So we went to the sofa warehouse and picked one we both liked. It was a bit more than we planned to pay but DH kept saying not to worry, it was fine. He paid the £100 deposit on the day and we arranged for delivery. On the day of delivery, I asked him for the rest of the money and he looked at me like I was stupid. I told him he had said he was going to pay for it and he said he hadn't said he would pay for all of it and we had picked a more expensive one anyway so he couldn't afford it but begrudingly said he would pay most of it but I would have to pay the difference. So again, it ends up with him acting like he has done me a favour and in this case, I actually end up having to pay out a lump sum of £200 which is what I was trying to avoid. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that he paid for most of it and if that was what we agreed to in the first place it would have been fine. It was the moving the goalposts that I objected to and that upset me.

These are just 2 examples of how he behaves and probably sound really petty but when it is happening all the time it all mounts up. So I don't drip feed, the reason for the split is his heavy drinking, selfishness and inability to put me and the DDs first. So I do wonder whether he is doing it on purpose or is actually forgetting what he has said because of the drinking. I always thought he was doing it accidentally and had never heard of the term gaslighting until I heard it on Mumsnet. It never occured to me that he might be doing it intentionally to keep me in line angry

Daykin Sat 01-Mar-14 11:40:37

Yes it is. I wouldn't think he is just forgetful. If you intend to do something, even if you forget that you've said it then the intent is still in your head iyswim.

Divinity Sat 01-Mar-14 14:56:55

Oh yes, that's gaslighting. Designed for you to question your own thinking and sanity with the added benefit of making out likes he's doing you a favour as you're not capable of doing things yourself.

As he's just moved out I suspect you will remember a lot more of this sort of thing.

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