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Trust issues - AIBU?

(22 Posts)
MoreSlummyThanYummy Sat 01-Mar-14 11:27:30

So my and DP have had a rocky road - firstly he is younger and very good looking, girls have even chatted him up in front of me. When our DS was about 4 months old I found out that he has lied about something huge in his past- not female related - but something that has lead to me lying to friends and more importantly all my family which breaks my heart. I have asked him to come clean but he says he knows they will hate him and doesn't want that to happen. This also means we can't even get our families together in case something is said which means no joint birthday parties or the like.

But ultimately before all this came out he used to say he was the worst liar ever and I genuinely believed that. I could tell a mile off when he told a white lie or was being cheeky and on a wind up. But now I doubt EVERYTHING and just can't seem to bring myself to trust him. I feel like if I do I am just setting myself up to get hurt again. I do understand why he lied and it was a lie that started before I met him and he felt he had to carry on.

I have never been a particularly secure person in relationships but now it is off the scale. All of this was bundled up with PND after DS and I know for the last 2 years I haven't been particularly fun to live with and I question everything. He has had many reasons to walk away from me and has stuck by me. I now get myself into a state everytime he goes out - he doesn't like to 'mix' his friends so I never get invited - as I just think well if he could have lied about something so major.....

How can I build trust back in him? Our relationship is going down the shitter rapidly.....

Offred Sat 01-Mar-14 11:33:54

You can't trust a liar.

You especially can't trust a liar who is still lying.

TheCatThatSmiled Sat 01-Mar-14 11:40:21

So your families can't meet because he's a lier.
Your not allowed to socialise with his friends. Probably because he's a lier.
You don't trust him and he flirts with women in front of you (it's a two way thing)

What are you getting out of this relationship?

TheCatThatSmiled Sat 01-Mar-14 11:40:55

Argh- Liar, not lier!

HandragsNGladbags Sat 01-Mar-14 11:42:12

How do you feel about the secret? Has it changed how you view him?

Loopylouu Sat 01-Mar-14 11:47:52

Out of everyhing what jumps out at m is that you can't go out with his friends as he doesn't like to mix his friends.

You are not his friend, you are his partner and the mother if his child.

That is a seriously odd way for him to think and that alone would make me not trust him.

FabULouse Sat 01-Mar-14 12:00:45

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MoreSlummyThanYummy Sat 01-Mar-14 12:12:11

LoopyLou - that is exactly what I said to him. Hasn't changed anything though.

Handrags - it has totally changed the way I see him, he went from being someone I respected to someone who just lied. The thing was I didn't even find out from him, I was out with his sister and she said something that made me go 'what?' I KNOW I should have left then, and I was ready to but wasn't strong enough.

I want to leave, I know I should. But I am terrified. I am already divorced and DP was supposed to be my happy ever after. I feel like a failure. And I know I say this at the risk sounding like I am defending him ( and I guess I am) but he isn't as bad as it sounds when I write it down. Or maybe he is. I read threads on here of women who just say 'that's it' and walk and I wish I could be that strong. I'm not. I want to be but I'm not. I don't want all this to come put and me look like an idiot. I do want to get ill again. The shit thing is I don't know what I want. But it isn't this.

MoreSlummyThanYummy Sat 01-Mar-14 12:13:56

The Cat - that is the question I ask myself! I'm scared to be on my own. To have another failed relationship. I am love him, really fucking love him, which makes me the weakest person of earth.

MoreSlummyThanYummy Sat 01-Mar-14 12:14:53

*don't want to get ill again, obviously....

Driveway Sat 01-Mar-14 12:36:35

It isn't fair for you to not be able to see families together because he can't come clean.
He should tell the truth. Even if it's difficult.

FabULouse Sat 01-Mar-14 12:55:01

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SolidGoldBrass Sat 01-Mar-14 13:21:44

What you need is a serious dose of feminism and some decent counselling. You do not need a man to 'complete' your life, but until you accept that the idea of a single woman being a failure is complete bullshit, you are going to go from one dickhead to another, as this man's abusive behaviour will have messed up your boundaries and, unfortunately, made you a magnet for predatory, lazy, selfish and even dangerous men.

Bin this dishonest fucker before he does you any more damage and promis yourself a year without dating, sex or romantic relationships until you have rebuilt your boundaries and self-esteem. Staying with the current loser will destroy your mental health by degrees: don't subject yourself to this.

AuntieStella Sat 01-Mar-14 13:33:29

You will lose much more if you continue to support the lie.

Either he comes clean and you have a genuine new start, and you can integrate all aspects of your life. Or you accept that this is a dead-end relationship and start working out how to do better.

Given his preference for compartmentalised lies rather than even a basic level of honesty, the second option is probably better for you. But only you can choose and, if you need time to be sure, then take that time. But that's time in coming to a decision and planning how to turn it into action, not waiting around for change from someone who has expressed no interest in changing.

TheCatThatSmiled Sat 01-Mar-14 16:07:54

Oh OP, please don't be scared to be on your own. Think of it as freedom to be happy. I was single for a long time, was never going to marry again, and proud of my Independence.
It took someone very special to get me to me give that up smile

IF he loves you he has to admit this lie. And stop making you live it for him too. If he won't, he doesn't love you enough to be worthy.

FabULouse Sat 01-Mar-14 17:24:24

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MoreSlummyThanYummy Sat 01-Mar-14 19:10:26

Thank you everyone for your honest, but incredibly painful, answers. You all sum up what I feel in my head. Now I have to work to get my strength together.

I feel totally drained. He went out last night for a Chinese for a friend's birthday & didn't get home til 3am as he missed his last train and 'forgot' to text me to let me know. I have told him that I get anxious if people don't come home the time they say they will ever since my best friend died on the way home. Obv my PND has heightened this anxiety especially since I've been off my meds. He told me where he had been and I said 'oh that's my work pub' and he laughed and said 'how can it be it was full of young people'. He then said I could go out whenever I wanted, that I could go out now 'for tea or whatever it is that your friends do'. These bitchy little remarks are really getting me down. I was fun loving when I met him but everything has changed me. Maybe I am to fault by being a different person than who he met.

I know I am not strong enough to leave yet, but I am going to spend the next week or so at least detaching emotionally and working on me. I am so tired at the moment and am constantly ill so need to battle one thing at a time.

But thank you, sometimes he makes me feel like I am just oversensitive and like I am going mad. To hear your takes on it show I am not.

FabULouse Sat 01-Mar-14 19:19:40

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MoreSlummyThanYummy Sat 01-Mar-14 19:40:33

He tries to make out he hasn't said anything wrong. I said to him to stop making the comments because I know and he know what he is trying to do. He seemed a bit shocked at that.

The crazy thing is people always comment on how confident I am and say what I think - how wrong they are! God this sucks!

puntasticusername Sat 01-Mar-14 20:41:49

Everything they ^ said, plus...

...from the penultimate para of your OP, I got the feeling that you think you owe him for sticking by you during some tough times. I would say that you certainly owe him gratitude and respect for doing that, but you do not owe him the continuance of your relationship with him if it is no longer working. That doesn't ultimately do either of you any favours.

Good luck, I think you'll get through this, you're stronger than you realise.

SolidGoldBrass Sat 01-Mar-14 20:53:18

Look, sorry, but the only reason he 'stuck by you' was that he likes women to be messed up and vulnerable. It makes him feel like Heap Big Man. So as soon as you started to regain your strength, he got busy trying to weaken you.
You are not going mad. You are being abused. Get rid of him and you will feel a lot better.

livingzuid Sat 01-Mar-14 22:32:55

Urgh he sounds vile OP. You have had such a rough time of it and you deserve better. There are many men as good looking who would treat you far nicer than this man. Those snide nasty comments sound like emotional abuse calculated to put you in your place. Good for you for standing up to him (except you shouldn't have to do that of course). None of this is your fault and you aren't at all weak.

He has kept hidden something from you that is so big you can't see families together. He won't mix you with his friends. He makes horrible comments to you. What do you get out of this relationship?

When you leave I think you will find your health improving. Don't underestimate the impact stress has on you. Please take care and I hope you get out soon thanks

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