DP and I split up for four months but we are in the process of getting back together. He's the one pushing for the reconciliation and he says he wants to marry me.
The problem is that he is hiding that we are getting back together from his friends and family. I am away with him now for a few days and I heard him lying to a mate on the phone saying he was away having some "alone time". He has confided in no one that this is happening whereas I have told all my friends and family that we are giving it another go, but he seems to want to hide it from all of his.
The straw that broke the camel's back is that he just announced in bed that he is spending his 40th with his parents instead of me (we'd already previously agreed loosely to go away together just the two of us) and that really just broke my heart. He only gets one 40th in his lifetime and I feel really upset that he would rather miss spending it with me than be honest with his parents about our status.
We were in a serious three year relationship and before the split we lived together so I do feel like I should be quite an important person in his life. The split was caused due to unreasonable behavior on his part that he has now taken steps to correct. I feel like I have bent over backwards to renew my trust in him and give this another go and it is really pissing me off that he is behaving this way.
I don't think he is embarrassed of me (his friends were all gutted when we split), but I do think he is embarrassed that friends and family went through a lot of anguish over our split an he thinks it makes more sense to hide it from them for a few more months until we are both completely sure that we want to be permanently back together.
To me it seems unreasonable that he wants me to sneak around behind people's backs at our age (38 and 39) and it feels bloody ridiculous and also makes me feel like he has no confidence in us.
AIBU or does he have a point that it is better to wait until we are sure?
Also, AIBU to expect him to spend his 40th with me instead of his parents? It seems like a once in a lifetime occasion and if he wants to marry would it not follow that we spend such a momentous occasion together?
We had a good relationship and the reason for our split has been dealt with now and I do love him and want it to work. I am not sure if I should let this go or not.
Please tell me if I am out of order. It's always been a bugbear of mine that he seems to put everyone else's needs before mine. He's a bit of a people pleaser and I often feel a bit hard done by because he tries so hard to please everyone else that I come last.
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Relationships
AIBU here...or is this not acceptable?
cantsleepatall · 01/03/2014 03:07
YANBU. If you take his behaviour on face value, what he's doing is hedging his bets about whether it'll work out or not before he tells people. I don't know about anyone else but I want enthusiasm in a potential life partner, not some half-hearted, 'let's see how it goes' attitude.
He's also lying to people - seemingly as easy as breathing - so where is the trust? If he can lie to his friends and family what's to say he's not also lying to you?
I don't know why you split up the first time but he's taking it for granted - taking you for granted - that he can do all of this and you'll stick around because he's such a prize. 
I'd tell him to shove his 50th birthday invite...
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