Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

AIBU here...or is this not acceptable?

(51 Posts)
cantsleepatall Sat 01-Mar-14 03:07:23

DP and I split up for four months but we are in the process of getting back together. He's the one pushing for the reconciliation and he says he wants to marry me.

The problem is that he is hiding that we are getting back together from his friends and family. I am away with him now for a few days and I heard him lying to a mate on the phone saying he was away having some "alone time". He has confided in no one that this is happening whereas I have told all my friends and family that we are giving it another go, but he seems to want to hide it from all of his.

The straw that broke the camel's back is that he just announced in bed that he is spending his 40th with his parents instead of me (we'd already previously agreed loosely to go away together just the two of us) and that really just broke my heart. He only gets one 40th in his lifetime and I feel really upset that he would rather miss spending it with me than be honest with his parents about our status.

We were in a serious three year relationship and before the split we lived together so I do feel like I should be quite an important person in his life. The split was caused due to unreasonable behavior on his part that he has now taken steps to correct. I feel like I have bent over backwards to renew my trust in him and give this another go and it is really pissing me off that he is behaving this way.

I don't think he is embarrassed of me (his friends were all gutted when we split), but I do think he is embarrassed that friends and family went through a lot of anguish over our split an he thinks it makes more sense to hide it from them for a few more months until we are both completely sure that we want to be permanently back together.

To me it seems unreasonable that he wants me to sneak around behind people's backs at our age (38 and 39) and it feels bloody ridiculous and also makes me feel like he has no confidence in us.

AIBU or does he have a point that it is better to wait until we are sure?

Also, AIBU to expect him to spend his 40th with me instead of his parents? It seems like a once in a lifetime occasion and if he wants to marry would it not follow that we spend such a momentous occasion together?

We had a good relationship and the reason for our split has been dealt with now and I do love him and want it to work. I am not sure if I should let this go or not.

Please tell me if I am out of order. It's always been a bugbear of mine that he seems to put everyone else's needs before mine. He's a bit of a people pleaser and I often feel a bit hard done by because he tries so hard to please everyone else that I come last.

Wrapdress Sat 01-Mar-14 03:10:07

Him wanting to spend his 40th birthday with his parents instead of you is just plain bizarre.

IceNoSlice Sat 01-Mar-14 03:16:15

If he wants to be with you, I think he should be honest to friends and family now. Otherwise it either seems he isn't sure - in which case why talk about marriage? Or he is reluctant to be open for another reason which he isn't being honest with you about. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel and how important this is to you.

cantsleepatall Sat 01-Mar-14 03:22:00

I did try that IceNoSlice. He said he is going to tell people this weekend that we are "talking", which is small progress. It makes me very uncomfortable that some of the people he lies to are mutual friends and I am made an accomplice to the silly charade. I don't see what there is to be ashamed of.

On the 40th birthday front, I told him that he only gets one in a lifetime and that it makes me feel sad if it's not spent with me and he hugged and kissed me, said "sorry" and then said "you can spend my 50th with me".

At that point I left him to it and went onto MN.

Logg1e Sat 01-Mar-14 06:43:21

Why do you want to be with this man?

Sounds to me that he painted you blacker than black when you split up.

ChillieJeanie Sat 01-Mar-14 07:08:57

If some of your friends are mutual friends, then why not just tell them? I can see you would prefer him to be open about it with his family and friends, but it's clear he isn't going to. In your shoes I can entirely understand why you are questioning the nature of the relationship.

Where mutual friends are concerned it is not reasonable for him to expect you to lie to them just because he's hedging his bets. I would be interested in his reaction to them knowing.

Poppy67 Sat 01-Mar-14 07:34:05

Walk away now ..... The relationship is not going to last.

Roshbegosh Sat 01-Mar-14 07:40:54

He needs to demonstrate that he us really intending to try with you and I think to do that he should change his birthday plans. If he is having a family party then why can't you be there too, otherwise he should celebrate it with you. I would be assertive on this as a test.

KoalaFace Sat 01-Mar-14 07:45:19

I might be barking up the totally wrong tree here (and I hope I am) but could he possibly have met someone else while you were apart and has introduced them to his family and friends?

It just sounds so similar to a situation my friend was in...

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 01-Mar-14 07:45:27

YANBU. If you take his behaviour on face value, what he's doing is hedging his bets about whether it'll work out or not before he tells people. I don't know about anyone else but I want enthusiasm in a potential life partner, not some half-hearted, 'let's see how it goes' attitude.

He's also lying to people - seemingly as easy as breathing - so where is the trust? If he can lie to his friends and family what's to say he's not also lying to you?

I don't know why you split up the first time but he's taking it for granted - taking you for granted - that he can do all of this and you'll stick around because he's such a prize. hmm I'd tell him to shove his 50th birthday invite...

Sparkletastic Sat 01-Mar-14 07:46:37

It seems that he is far less sure about you having a future together than he says. I'm a big believer in deeds not words. Not wanting to spend his 40th with you (and friends) is odd and hurtful. Are you sure he's the one for you?

Offred Sat 01-Mar-14 07:49:22

Why did you split up and why have you now got back together?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 01-Mar-14 07:55:11

BTW... unilaterally tell your friends that you're giving it another go. Why let him stage-direct this? If there is some sinister reason behind him lying to friends and family (which there could easily be) then you could flush it into the open.

Lweji Sat 01-Mar-14 07:56:36

Leave the ball on his court.
Tell him you don't think he's committed to you in any way, even though he's full of promises.

See what he does next.

His comment about his 50th makes it look like he thinks he's god's gift to you and he's throwing you a mirage carrot. It's not even something you could get now.

Enjoy the weekend if you want but it doesn't look like there's a future with him, unless he comes clean to everybody.

43percentburnt Sat 01-Mar-14 07:56:52

Lying to close friends.
Lying to his family that he loves so much he wants to spend his 40th with.
Asking you to lie.
yet he is prepared to sneak off for a weekend in a hotel...

These are traits I could not live with. he lies to those he loves.

I am proud of my dh. I was when we met too, I wouldn't have lied about him.

Dont listen to what he is saying,
What do his actions show you?

Inertia Sat 01-Mar-14 08:02:57

I wouldn't bother , frankly. Couldn't be doing with all the lies.

JohnFarleysRuskin Sat 01-Mar-14 08:03:12

I once lied about seeing someone - I just couldn't bring myself to tell people about us. Guess what? I didn't really like him that much.

ThePinkOcelot Sat 01-Mar-14 08:21:33

I would tell him to shove it. It's like you are some dirty little secret. He should be please to tell people you are taking him back, given the split was due to his unreasonable behaviour. You are worth more than being his dirty little secret. Who does he think he is?!

Isetan Sat 01-Mar-14 08:23:23

People pleaser my arse, aren't you a person? He's a tell you what I can get away with to suit me type of person. I wonder how many times he has lied to you over the phone?

At 40 this is who he is, stop asking why he's a lying, thoughtless idiot and ask yourself why you want to be with someone who is so dismissive of you. You can do better.

PublicEnemyNumeroUno Sat 01-Mar-14 08:28:21

Are you sure there isn't somebody else?

Nojustalurker Sat 01-Mar-14 08:52:07

So he is happy to tell you your getting back together because he gets sex but he is not happy to tell his friends and family. It does not sound like he wants to get back together at all.

Like others have said why did you split up? Why ad you getting back together? Why do you think it will be different this time?

Only1scoop Sat 01-Mar-14 08:56:30

Sounds like he has painted quite a black picture of you previously, and now doesn't want to be honest with his family and friends.

For a man of almost 40 it's a bit of a sorry state. The birthday thing is just another way of excluding it doesn't sound normal.

Coelacanth Sat 01-Mar-14 08:59:47


RedFocus Sat 01-Mar-14 09:22:08

Sorry op but 'RED FLAG' moment here.
I would not even consider marrying this man. He's lying to his friends and family about your relationship or lack of in their eyes! If he can lie so easily to them god only knows what whoppers he's telling you right now!
Run for the hills because this is not going to end well.

RedFocus Sat 01-Mar-14 09:26:39

Oh and the birthday thing is just plain odd but then if you had dissed your ex so much that if they were to meet you again before he's smoothed it over they may have some questions that you wouldn't even understand why they are asking! Think it about it op it would not be a good situation for him. Like said "RUN!"............

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: