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So mothers day is coming. Worst day of the year for some.

(42 Posts)
Youcanringmybell Fri 28-Feb-14 21:44:48

I have now had no contact with my parents and subsequently my family for three years. Mothers day is bell. I miss not having a family. I know they are having a wonderful life without me.
They didn't even try to fight my decision. My step was abusing me (mildly), my mum got jealous of the attention he showed me as a child rather than think he was up to something and made me suffer.
I decided to have no contact when I had a daughter as I knew she wouldn't be safe with them.
Now I have no family as I was never brave enough to tell them the truth. The believed me an absolute monster for going nc with my mum and disowned me. They never asked why I made that decision. They never thought to ask my point of view.

Now I am out of sight and out of mind. I feel bad at this time of year. She will have all the sympathy for having a disgusting and ungrateful daughter and they don't know the truth. The abuse, the jealously and emotional blackmail.

Youcanringmybell Fri 28-Feb-14 21:45:11

Help not bell.

Youcanringmybell Fri 28-Feb-14 21:45:36

Hell. Ah hell I mean.

balia Fri 28-Feb-14 21:49:31

Couldn't read and run - get yourself a great big card and a gift. You're a better mother to your DD to keep her safe from harm than your crappy mother ever was.


Northernlurker Fri 28-Feb-14 21:50:00

You have a family. You have a child. Mothers Day is for you and her. You've been very brave and protected yourself and her. Mothers Day is YOURS not the person who gave birth to you.
Make plans for you and your girl then. Don't let them take that from you as well.

something2say Fri 28-Feb-14 21:52:40

I totally understand. I am about 18 years on from such an event. The first years are hard. Just get it over with.

Do you have any older women in your life, mother figures? I found one of them, I recommend it if you can.

You say they are all having a wonderful time without you and I must step in there and say I doubt it. Families where a use flourishes, like yours, are rarely safe or functional families. Rest assured that sadly, some form of fuck wittery will be going on underground somewhere...

What do you think?

Youcanringmybell Fri 28-Feb-14 22:00:58

Thank you. It means so much to just have people believe me. I do not allow myself to dwell on things. About once a year I unblock my mum on Facebook and allow myself to look at the pictures. I did that tonight. She has posted about how much she loves her son's and grandchildren. Others have said good on her for getting on with her life.
It made me feel disposable. I wasn't in the wrong. But I just tonight, I feel wrong.

Thank you everyone

thesecowsaresmallthosearefaraw Fri 28-Feb-14 22:24:04

I agree with something. Our mothers are not always the people who gave birth to us. If you are blessed with other mothers in your life, think about them instead. I think for churchgoers Mothering Sunday is about Mother Church. I will think about the women who taught me acceptance, and love, and confidence. None of them share my Dna.

flowers to you and your daughter.

Stockhausen Fri 28-Feb-14 22:26:29

My mum died 8 years ago, so its a different kind of hell for me.

However, I am a mum & ds makes a fuss of me smile

Reclaim the day! thanks

Chottie Fri 28-Feb-14 22:27:36

You are being immensely strong and a really caring and loving mother to your child. You are keeping her safe. I can completely understand why you have gone NC. thanks

something2say Fri 28-Feb-14 22:29:19

You are not in the wrong. It is untenable to stay in relationship with people who do not validate what happened to you. I think you are just hurting and taking it out on yourself, saying you are the one in the wrong. You are not in the wrong, and it's alright to hurt about the loss xxx. What nice things are you doing. Anything? X

Youcanringmybell Fri 28-Feb-14 22:29:45

Yes you are right. I do not have a mother figure but I am a mum. I will try to enjoy my day. I sometimes need to vent and I know people on her understand and always say the right things to show me the important things.

tinypumpkin Fri 28-Feb-14 22:30:14

I am sorry it is such a tough day for you op. I can only imagine how tough that it must be. I agree about trying to reclaim it as best you can.

Stock, I am sorry for the loss of your Mum. I am missing my eldest daughter so it is tough here too. So hard for so many.

thanks to all those who find it a difficult day.

tinypumpkin Fri 28-Feb-14 22:31:12

I meant to say youcanringmybell that I think that you what you did for your dd is amazing. The sign of a true mother.

Scarletohello Fri 28-Feb-14 22:32:41

My mum died last week. She had a severe stroke over 4 years ago which left her paralysed, unable to speak or swallow food. In a way she left me all those years ago as the mum I'd had was gone. It's still hit me hard tho that she has now gone forever. Appreciate your mums while you have them ( but do understand if she's not the mum you really wanted or needed). Hugs to all feeling sad this Mother's Day.

tinypumpkin Fri 28-Feb-14 22:33:55

thanks for Scarletohello. I am very sorry to hear about your Mum too.

thesecowsaresmallthosearefaraw Fri 28-Feb-14 22:56:17

Scarleto, I am sorry for your loss, but are you really advising OP to appreciate her mother, who failed to protect her from an abuser?

Hissy Sat 01-Mar-14 00:51:13

I agree with thecows.

'at least you have a mum' is so often trotted out.

Well, when you have mothers that abuse us/our dc or fail to prevent others from doing so, who stand by while we're insulted/offended/belittled etc, then I think we can safely say that actually we don't have a 'mother'

Not the mother we are to our children, nor the mother our friends have, or even the one we wished to have.

To lose a parent who dies is painful.

To lose a 'parent' while they are still alive (when you realise they don't care/love/respect/protect you) is a pain unlike any other.

Condolences to those who have lost their mothers, my deepest sympathies to those who never had them in the first place.

Please let's give each other the space to allow our feelings to be expressed.

'But she's your mother' is about the crappiest thing to say to someone with a mother that doesn't care. Don't you think we don't know that?

With mothers like these, we lose them in life, and then again when they actually die. We lose the hope of them ever being the mother we hoped for.

There was a huge and extremely supportive thread here a week or so ago, on this very subject. It'd be great if we didn't have to keep repeating the same old message.

Youcanringmybell Sat 01-Mar-14 06:44:12

I had a bit of a cry and fell asleep blush
It is so nice to wake and read your messages. I am so sorry for those that will not have their mums this year for whatever reason. Some of you would give anything for another day with your mums and that must be very painful thanks
Many of you have reinforced my decision to have no contact, and that helps me to stay strong. In my dreams I often dream of my parents, when I look in the mirror I see myself looking like her. I still wish she knew my daughter and son....would she be proud ?

I do understand the empty feeling of knowing your parents and family are out there. But others think that as I chose nc I should be happy about it. I didn't want to have to choose my child's safety over my family but it is no contest is it! My mum should have put me before her boyfriend.
I do miss them though, even though they were terrible parents.

Don't get me wrong. I do not mope or revel in misery all the time. It is just sometimes I need to reflect on it and confront it to release the frustration and you are always here.
Each of you has really made my night/day. I read and re-read and will do so again because you helped me through again. thanks

OurMiracle1106 Sat 01-Mar-14 07:00:24

This will be my first mothers day since my mum died and my first since my gorgeous ds was adopted. It's going to be hard I know.

I have a blood sister but she was abusive and as a result the last time I saw her was at my mums funeral where I didn't even speak to her

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 01-Mar-14 07:34:08

Why don't you tell the truth now? I sympathise and can see why you might have taken the path you have done but it seems that all your problems stem from hiding this secret and that the only person suffering from the NC decision and lack of family is you. Whether anyone wants to listen or believe you isn't possible to judge, but perhaps you'd find some peace if you told your story?

PrincessScrumpy Sat 01-Mar-14 08:37:55

I have a friend in family law and she told me I would be shocked at how many mums put new bf over their children so you are not alone (not sure if that is helpful but sometimes it helps to know that). You have a family, you have your dd. I would look to build strong friendships over time and you will find you have a new "family".

If you ever decide to have contact make sure your dd is with you at all times. but I would organise a lovely day out for mother's day with your dc. If you want the other family members to know what happened then write to them that way it is in their court and maybe you could have contact with them depending on how they react. Your mum may have told them what happened in her eyes and they believe her but I don't think they can be blamed for that as it depends what she told them and as you haven't spoken to them maybe they think you don't want to see them?

LucyLasticBand Sat 01-Mar-14 08:40:59

but she sent hugs to those who didnt get the mother they wanted or needed.
it is sadness and or disappointment all around

thesecowsaresmallthosearefaraw Sat 01-Mar-14 10:00:33

I might have misred, which I why I asked it as a question. Going NC is hard, and it can feel very undermining when people say "but they're you're family," or give you the very guilt-inducing "you'll miss them when they're dead." I can honestly say that isn't true for everyone.

I hope everyone can celebrate their families of choice on Mothers' Day and find at least a little peace and joy, whether in good memories, or in anticipation of a better future.

HelenHen Sat 01-Mar-14 10:59:39

I don't talk to my mother with and frequently get the guilt trips from people who know nothing about the situation... Even people who do sometimes insist 'but it's so sad'. Maybe on paper but I've moved well on with my life and its been about 15 years. There were as few years of anger and hurt on my part but I can genuinely say I don't care. I can read her attention seeking birthday cards out of curiosity alone and genuinely feelnothing. It usually tends to reinforce tthe fact that I've done the right thing. Your Mom should not be airing family problems or looking for sympathy on Facebook.

It gets better op... Much better!

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