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I don't know - is he ill, or a bastard? or both? Long, sorry.

(14 Posts)
Sherlockmaystealyourpug Fri 28-Feb-14 18:23:57

Dp and I have been together for 5 years, we are engaged. No DC's.

On Monday night I had an event which was hugely important to me. It involved me traveling and staying over somewhere with a few other people. The event was organised months ago, I have done a huge amount of work toward it, and Dp has been my sounding board for a lot of it. He was away at his mum's whilst I was at the event, but I called him - slightly hurt that i'd heard nothing from him, and he had forgotten. Forgotten I was going/was away/was doing it. He said he thought it was next week.

This isn't the first time. I am, admittedly, very busy: I have two part time jobs and two voluntary jobs -and in one of the voluntary jobs I hold several different positions. (I'm hoping for a career in that sector). He never, ever knows what I am doing. On Mondays, for example, I am currently facilitating a course - it is ten weeks long and this week is week six. Every monday he has no idea where I have been/what I have been doing. I don't want him to know where I am every second, but it grates (a lot) that he has no idea what I do with my time as it feels like he doesn't care. We do live together. Another example: I did a MA and obviously talked a lot about my topic but he thought I was writing on a totally different subject.

In Oct I found out he had cheated whilst away for his final year at uni (he failed a year so had to repeat, when I graduated he took a year off and worked whilst we saved up to move from my parents to rent). I borrowed his phone, with his permission as mine broke. At work I recieved (well he received) some odd texts from a female housemate. When I asked him about it later - thinking nothing at the time - he admitted he'd kissed her when drunk. This then changed to kissing and touching, then 'I don't remember if we had sex or not, I was so drunk'.

When I found out in Oct I told him I wanted him to go for an STI test. He said he would, and didn't. After an awful argument the other week he booked the test for today...only he has cancelled and has re-arranged it for the following week. (In the argument I'd asked him why he'd stopped going to his voluntary job, his rationale for cancelling was that he needed to go see his work-mate who 'help him sort his head out').

During this time he'd also go days without contacting me, and he lied to me about his dissertation. The week before it was due in it transpired he'd only written 2,000 words (of 10,000).

Writing it out like this is hard as it makes it sound so black and white - he doesn't give two shits about me.

I forgave the 'kissing maybe/probably sex' because he was very unwell at the time. When I met Dp we were both very unwell - I went to Uni only a few months after a 9 month stay at an eating disorder treatment center. Dp also had an eating disorder, and we both were self-harmers. Dp also had drinking 'issues'.

I'm very grateful that I have managed to recover, and as I did very well in my degree I got a bursary which covered some of the course fees so I could study for my MA. Dp never really got the professional help I did, partly because he was not motivated to try - and partly because my illness was always more 'visible' than his, the medical complications of my low weights have been life threatening, but Dp has not had that (not that his experience was an less awful, but that is why I got the treatment).

Dp is better now then when we met, he no longer self-harms and his eating disorder is stable. He has tried to get help, and is on a 20 month long waiting list for therapy. He has not drank since I found out about him cheating.

I don't know if I am asking If i should continue this relationship...I think I know I shouldn't. Even if he is ill I can no longer trust him, and I don't feel he supports me.

This morning I was heading out with my mum for a rare shopping which i'd discussed with him, he hugged me and said 'good luck' - he so obviously forgot and thought I was heading to work.

We used to make each other laugh all the time, and I used to think we'd be able to do anything together. Now i'm just sad.

I don't know if I just want support or for someone to help give me the reality check that I think i'm on the verge off and am scared to see. I do care about him, I don't know if i love him fiercely like to used to and that makes me feel so sad.

Fairy1303 Fri 28-Feb-14 18:28:58

I think you answered you own question lovely.

I think he sounds like a bit of an arse, I'm not sure it's down to him being ill. I think they are two separate issues.

It just all sounds a bit childish. I don't mean that rudely, but I graduated 3 years ago and a lot of my friends are now breaking up with boyfriends from uni because the dynamic is just different now.

RRRJ83 Fri 28-Feb-14 18:30:52

My advice is to leave. You obviously both supported each other through difficult periods in your life and it worked at one point. Now it sounds like you're naturally due to go separate ways x good luck.

Sherlockmaystealyourpug Fri 28-Feb-14 18:50:57

Fairy, I agree - it feels childish and I really don't like it. I don't want all this drama, I just want to get on.

He just came home - I mentioned I'd booked my driving test and he wrote it down in a dairy. I want to tell him it is too little to late.

I don't know what i'm hanging on for. I'm scared to drag it out, but I really thought i'd spend my life with him and we'd have DC's. I think I want him to be the person he used to be...or the person he used to seem able to become if that makes sense. There have been periods when we have both been fairly well and we were so good together... now I sort of feel like he is dragging me down. But i'm not perfect and I AM scared that if I leave him he'll go home to his unsupportive family, and his dad who was abusive when he was growing up and he'd never recover and potentially end up killing him self.

That scares me senseless.

I think I am scared that if I leave him, i'm failing him.

Guiltypleasures001 Fri 28-Feb-14 18:55:42

Misery loves company op and your on the upward curve of your recovery and very well done for that. He on the other hand is not really and you will find that he is holding you back and could jeopardise your future health. I think it sounds like this relationship has run it's course and it's time to move forward without him as it sounds like you've been naturally doing so anyway.

Well done for coming through all of what you have coped with.

TeenageMutantNinjaTurtle Fri 28-Feb-14 18:58:17

For the record, I wouldn't really expect my dh to remember things like when my driving test is... I'd remind him the day before and is expect him to wish me luck in the morning... But I wouldn't expect him to put it in my diary... Or to remember where I am on given nights, I'd always remind him.

But this sounds bigger than that... You don't really sound very happy on a much wider scale. Life really is too short, so if you're not happy, find someone else... You can't change him....

Guiltypleasures001 Fri 28-Feb-14 18:59:02

Op he never was and is not your responsibility, don't sacrifice yourself for anyone or anything. His help has to come because he wants it not because your pushing him, that only breeds resentment .

ParsleyTheLioness Fri 28-Feb-14 19:12:14

Sherlock. It sounds like you have moved on differently. You were both in a difficult place at one or more points, and bonded maybe partly through that. You have moved onwards and upwards much quicker, perhaps leaving him behind in your 'life journey'. I think he will pull you down, without necessarily meaning to . You are in a different place, and different people to when you met. You more so than him.

SolidGoldBrass Fri 28-Feb-14 19:17:36

You will be a lot better off without this man, you know. You are doing really well with your life, and you do not need him tagging along behind like a dead weight - he is obviously not recovering as well from his issues as you are and he may never do so. Some people don't. Some people prefer to stick with their old unhealthy patterns.
You are very young, anyway, and there is absolutely no need to stick with an unsatisfactory relationship just because you have been together a while. There's a world full of men out there who don't have drink and food issues, and I am braodly of the opinion that it's probably better for only one person in a couple-relationship to have MH issues anyway.

Sherlockmaystealyourpug Fri 28-Feb-14 19:28:51

I think I know you are all right.

It is just bloody hard, thinking of ending it.

I am upset at the thought of hurting him, he isn't a bad person.

I don't tend to trust my opinions and I can be a bit of of a people-pleaser. I am aware of these qualities in myself and I know decide to hang off on being decisive in case i'm wrong.

Oddly though i'm not like this at work, just with relationships.

I sound like such a weak person. I'm not with anything outside of my relationship with Dp. I want to hand myself a grip.

Matildathecat Fri 28-Feb-14 19:47:19

It's always sad when a relationship runs out of steam. It sounds as if you were right for each other but things have changed. It's time for you to walk away. He'll be ok. He's not your responsibility.

It's far worse to drag it out.

Best of luck with your career.

DoctorTwo Fri 28-Feb-14 19:47:35

He lies and has cheated on you and you ask whether he's ill or an arse. Love, the answer is b/ He's an arse. How you deal with his arsery is entirely up to you.

wyrdyBird Fri 28-Feb-14 19:53:48

What stands out for me is that he lies to you, has probably been unfaithful, and for reasons undetermined, doesn't pay any attention at all to what is going on in your life.

I'm sure you wouldn't recommend a person with these traits as a good partner for someone you cared about.

Please don't remain engaged to him, or go on to marry him, because you're used to him, or because you don't want to hurt him. And definitely not because you think he might harm himself if you don't.

He may be unwell, he may not be a bad person, but these are very poor reasons for continuing an engagement with someone who is indifferent to you.

43percentburnt Sat 01-Mar-14 07:46:04

I think your relationship may have run its course. People change lots in early adulthood and couples go in different directions. He has cheated on you, this is not good, illness is no excuse and does not make people cheat. He chose to do that.

You seem to be determined and motivated, lots if volunteer roles etc that you are taking to further your career. He doesn't seem bothered about volunteering or his dissertation - despite a poorest economy and him failing first time round.

You are different people now. Don't stay with someone because you feel you should, or because you feel sorry for his illness or because you are determined and driven to make things work.

The world is a big place, in time you will meet a like minded person, who takes interest in you. Don't settle for something now.

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