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My mother didn't give birth to me so I could spend my life married to an alcoholic

(39 Posts)
FlatsInDagenham Fri 28-Feb-14 12:47:59

Thread title inspired by another thread on another topic.

I wish I could ask my mother what she thinks. She died 15 years ago.

I'm so unhappy today, I can barely put one foot in front of the other.

He's not a bad person. In many ways he treats me well. But he's weak. And he will never stop drinking.

He will never choose me and the DC over his precious wine.

I've had enough.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Feb-14 12:56:43

Glad you've had enough and hope you find peace of mind. Sometimes you have to look at things from the 'what would so-and-so think' angle to get clarity.

FlatsInDagenham Fri 28-Feb-14 13:32:52

Yes. Another good one is "Would I want this for my daughters?"

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Feb-14 13:53:05

Do you have an exit plan?

mammadiggingdeep Fri 28-Feb-14 16:17:41

Bloody great way off thinking about it. It takes blood, sweat and tears to give life to a child and bring it up well...of course it is your life to do with what you choose BUT it's is bloody precious!! You are precious.

flowers

FlatsInDagenham Fri 28-Feb-14 16:47:35

No exit plan. Lots of problems. Can anybody help me work through them?

I'm basically a SAHM with 3 part time jobs (2 of them are work at home) but very little income - only £200 per month currently although this should increase in the long term - but as I am self employed my income will fluctuate a lot and some months it could still be only £200 - plus even this little amount will be eaten into with childcare because I can't perform this work without DH to look after the DC.

I could find full time work but I would probably have a September start (I'm a teacher).

He earns just enough to cover our bills, food and petrol - nothing to spare. We can't afford to run two households.

Neither of us have family nearby we can go and stay with. I feel that he should move out so that the DC are disrupted as little as possible, but he has literally nowhere to go. I can't bear the thought of him renting some grotty bedsit or something, even if I could find a way to run this house by myself. He isn't a bad person, he doesn't deserve to be kicked out of his home.

So if I take the other option - moving me and the DC out - then they will suffer the pain and disruption of that, plus I will need some serious cash behind me in order to pay deposit and rent, get hold of basic furniture, pots and pans etc. I might be able to borrow the set up money from one of my parents (I have sounded them out about this once before) but then I need money to live on after I've got set up too.

So how do I do this?

FlatsInDagenham Fri 28-Feb-14 16:52:42

Just noticed, I was trying to keep detail minimal by saying 'my parent' but as I've already divulged my mother is no longer alive, of course I mean my father. My father might lend me some money but I don't actually know how much he is able to lend. He is retired, comfortably off but not in a mega bucks kind of way.

FlatsInDagenham Fri 28-Feb-14 20:16:37

Bump. Need practical advice.

Girlnumbersix Fri 28-Feb-14 20:49:51

You would probably get help with rent through HB, and tax credits to bring in more money if you decided to move out and rent locally. You might be significantly better off, as you wouldn't have a partner who is spending money on alcohol.

Moving doesn't have to be too difficult on children - I have moved three times in the past three years with three young children, the last time to a completely new town, and they were absolutely fine.

Is your partner really unable to give up the booze? Does he know he will lose you if he doesn't stop?

balia Fri 28-Feb-14 21:07:54

There is nothing to spare because he is drinking it, right? This was me, 12 years ago. Get him to leave. He will find somewhere. Then get back to full-time work - go on supply. Have you checked into the benefits you could get? Have a frank conversation with your Dad, see if he can help you out in any way. Get a separate bank account - my ex took money out of the joint account for alcohol even though he knew that would leave DD and I with nothing to eat. Make sure all your finances are in order - I also discovered he hadn't paid the rent for 6 months.

He may not be a bad person but he will ruin your life and those of your kids - train wrecks aren't morally bad but you'd get your kids out of the way of one, right?

Cabrinha Fri 28-Feb-14 21:11:39

You say there's no money to spare - there's money for alcohol, isn't there?
I would say unless you can definitely very quickly grow the income from your 3 part time jobs, go back to teaching.
I don't know what your area is like for supply work, but you could start that asap, and atart putting aside for moving out (even if it's for him moving out).
How much childcare can he do?

He may end up in a shared house as the cheapest option, but them's the breaks when you choose to have kids.

You don't say you don't love him... though you sad sound and tired and pitying rather than in love. If you love him, will ending it give him the wake up call? If he's committed to stopping drinking with GP arranged support, and from a bedsit / houseshare / parents' spare room (?) the housing situation could be temporary.

Go to CAB if you need help with benefits position. But I'd think you have a fighting chance of getting through on your own as you have a profession.

Good luck.

Bluestocking Fri 28-Feb-14 21:23:44

Equally importantly, you didn't give birth to your own children so they could grow up with an alcoholic father. I can tell you, because my DF is an alcoholic, that this is an absolutely shitty start in life, and leaves indelible scars. Never mind your husband not deserving to be made to leave his house - your children need you to put them first.

RatherBeRiding Fri 28-Feb-14 21:28:29

Harden your heart. You have children to prioritise. He has chosen to drink, and chooses to continue to drink so if he ends up in some grotty bedsit, that's HIS choice and you don't have to feel guilty about it.

How difficult would it be to run the house by yourself? Could you sell up and find something more affordable - even if you moved to a more affordable part of the country.

There ARE options - you're a teacher so you can find work, and hours to suit, and your P will have to pay child support.

You can do it.

AliceInSandwichLand Fri 28-Feb-14 22:00:54

Can you do some tutoring, if you are a teacher? Flexible hours and GCSEs are coming up...

FlatsInDagenham Fri 28-Feb-14 22:08:15

Tutoring is one of my part time jobs. The only one I'm currently making any money out of.

PublicEnemyNumeroUno Fri 28-Feb-14 22:14:36

No advice but i really like your thread title and need to remember it myself.

FlatsInDagenham Fri 28-Feb-14 22:23:08

thanks for PublicEnemy. Feel free to tell me about your situation. This thread doesn't have to be just about me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 01-Mar-14 07:37:51

I think you need professional advice really. Solicitor, CAB, local housing authority, etc to walk you through the realities of what a split would mean. I agree with others that, without an alcoholic drinking the family finances, you'd probably find you'd be better off than you imagine. I think you have to drop your aversion to him living in grotty little bed-sits. A soft heart will not get you out of this situation unfortunately.

PublicEnemyNumeroUno Sat 01-Mar-14 08:17:26

Thank you Flats i don't really want to go into detail, but in married to a Jekyll and Hyde type.

Lweji Sat 01-Mar-14 08:38:52

About running two households, you'll have to consider that you may get some benefits, but what you mean is that you won't be able to maintain the same lifestyle.
Still, I suspect there will be more money around if you don't have to pay for his drinking.

KatharineHepburnsTrousers Sat 01-Mar-14 08:55:18

It's a hideous situation and I am very sorry. I just moved out from my ex - he was a binge drinker and it had been going on for 8 long years. He had been seeing a de about drinking, taking Antabuse, going to counselling. But I realised in November that he would never stop. He could stop drinking for years but I would never trust that he wouldn't go on a bender one day.

I had to harden my heart. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Incredibly upsetting.

But oh the RELIEF. I can't get over how much I have relaxed. I feel so much happier. I don't have to wait for the fumble at the door and that heart dropping feeling as I realise he is pissed. Again. And wondering if tonight he will be in a good mood or if he will kick off.

I would ask your dad for help. I'm sure he doesn't want you to suffer in silence. Have a look out for a teaching job. And get him to leave. HARDEN YOUR HEART. God I know it's easier said than done but he will be fine. My ex is. Still drinking, but he is fine in his own. I left the house because of particular circumstances but financially I'm ok and I don't have young xhildren. You should look to stay I think.

Good luck. It IS worth it I promise.

nkf Sat 01-Mar-14 08:57:34

If I were in your situation, I would go for the teaching job. Regular money is what you need. Stability and clarity. Alcoholics create chaos and disorder. You will be richer than you realise. Booze is expensive.

LucyLasticBand Sat 01-Mar-14 09:03:16

if it is easier to leave than to get him to go, then leave. go to CAB, get a rented furnished accommodation? perhaps. or if unfurnished, go on freecycle and ask.
or can you try woman's aid or Shelter?

LucyLasticBand Sat 01-Mar-14 09:04:42

do you go to al anon? get some advice from others in your situation

nkf Sat 01-Mar-14 09:09:08

And I'd stay put. He can find somewhere. You don't need to run two households because you are separating. You need to run your household. How much does it cost to run? Price it up? Can you earn that? Can you make that up with earnings, child support and anything else? That's the way to go. Think of yourself as a professional woman with earning potential because that's actually what you are.

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