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How to get through splitting up from cheating "D"H

(48 Posts)
barking123 Fri 28-Feb-14 10:32:02

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barking123 Fri 28-Feb-14 17:38:28

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barking123 Fri 28-Feb-14 17:43:57

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LEMmingaround Fri 28-Feb-14 18:07:51

I am sorry you are going through this sad As tempting as it would be to write to the OW, you have to question whether she would be bothered - i mean, she clearly has no morals or she wouldn't have gone wiht a married man - i know he is equally to blame, but at some point she has made a decision to be the reason a man has walked away from his wife and child, so i doubt pointing out to her how she has hurt you will bother her in the slightest. She is just a vile excuse for a woman and i wouldn't waste my energy on her.

The best quote i read for this situation was this "the best revenge is a life well lived"

You sound incredibly strong and positive - i don't think you'll be on your own for very long (unless of course you want to be!)


AnonyMuse Fri 28-Feb-14 18:32:16

I was another who went against the tide of MN advice and contacted the OW, and for me it was extremely cathartic. My situation is different to yours because DH and I have not separated, but I completely recognise your overwhelming desire to let OW know exactly what she has done to you and your family.

I did not get in touch with her until about 3 weeks after my discovery of the affair (it had just ended when I stumbled across an email from her to him) so I was not quite as emotionally all over the place as I had been to start with. I composed the email very carefully indeed over several days, not pulling my punches but with very little ranting, no swearing and with an eye to not coming across as a madwoman. I didn't really expect a reply but was braced for either a tirade in return or making unpleasant discoveries about things DH had not revealed. Actually she did reply, very apologetically and with much self-effacement and that hugely helped the healing process. But even if she hadn't replied at all I don't think I would have regretted sending it.

A couple of months on it is much clearer to me that my initial fury against OW was misplaced and that the deserved recipient of the full impact of that was DH. But I think its a natural reaction to feel just as angry with OW at the beginning.

So sorry to hear you're going through this. Keep strong and keep posting on here - it really helps.

3mum Fri 28-Feb-14 18:54:00

I'm sorry you are going through this Barking. I know from experience how crap this time is. My exH also cheated in a long term relationship with OW.

Two years down the line I can honestly say I am very happy with me and the children. I was devastated to start with, but time really does heal. I was determined that if everything was going to change, it would be for the better so I looked at absolutely everything in my life and made some changes. The life I have now is far more suited to me than the life I had when I was married. Once you feel up to it maybe start thinking about what you actually want from life now you are rid of the cheating loser who ground you down.

I second those who say you need someone to talk to in real life as well as on MN (though the Relationships Mumsnetters who have been through/are going through breakups are a great and supportive lot and please do keep posting). If you don't feel able to talk to friends or relatives then I would really recommend a counsellor if you can afford it. Just having someone to download all the crap to is tremendously cathartic.

BTW I did talk to OW. Overall I think calling her was neutral, I neither felt better nor worse after doing it. Common sense probably says don't do it though!

barking123 Fri 28-Feb-14 20:46:51

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Onmyownwith4kids Sat 01-Mar-14 08:17:32

Hope you're ok today and enjoyed the drinks. It will get better. If you're anything like me you'll start looking back at your marriage and realising there were other selfish traits on his part before the affair. I get real lows but have started to feel happy and excited about the future. I'm a similar age to you and worry the dating pool has diminished but we've potentially got a good forty years ahead. It's time to upgrade!

BeforeAndAfter Sat 01-Mar-14 15:16:05

I hope you're doing OK today - am thinking of you x

barking123 Sat 01-Mar-14 16:27:43

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3mum Sun 02-Mar-14 00:50:29

Good for you Barking! Just remember it is normal to feel up and down for a while but over time the ups get longer and the downs get shorter until one day you realise that you are happy on your own and you can't believe you ever cared about your ex.

I bet you also start to remember a whole load of really unattractive characteristics and behaviours of his too. Write them down when you do. It's good to reinforce that he is so not worth your time and attention.

SadFreak Sun 02-Mar-14 01:22:27

Hi Barking. I am so sorry you are going through this.
I am 6 weeks on from finding out my husband has been on a shagging mission of epic proportions.
I am finding it very difficult to open up about it in real life and gave so far only told my best friend sho lives over an hour away and some very brief details to a friend at college.
I have been up and down and sometimes very angry. I am finding I have very little capacity to deal with other shit especially if it involves any patience. Today I have felt mostly fine but Thursday was absolutely awful.It was si bad I think it may have been my lowest point. I actually could not stop crying. I drove to a local beach to get dome fresh sir but when I got there just sat in my car and bawled and bawled. I lost 4 hours doing that.
I try to think that in x weeks it won't hurt so much and try not to think too far ahead taking each day as it comes.
Like others have mentioned we all lived happily enough before these men came into our lives so we will surely live happily without them again too but first we need to grieve for what we thought we had and the plans we had that will now change (hopefully for better stuff).

MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir Sun 02-Mar-14 06:38:19

Hi Barking, another who is in your situation here. I'm nearly 6 months and in quite a complicated situation which isn't allowing me to move on but I'll get there. Maybe we should all get together sometime girlies?

fruityloopy Tue 04-Mar-14 11:27:34

Just popped back on this thread to see how you were feeling barking.. that's brilliant you mustered up the 'energy' to go out for a drink - I hope you enjoyed it!

How are things going this week ?

Sorry to read that there's other's out there that have been shat upon so hurtfully.

struggling100 Tue 04-Mar-14 11:43:03

thanks thanks thanks for all the women on this thread who have been lied to by their men.

Just my tuppence worth on the 'writing to the OW' thing: I don't think this is a good idea, but this is very much a personal perspective. I think it tends to conceive of the affair in quite traditional terms ('the temptress' seducing the 'good guy') rather than putting the blame squarely where it belongs: with the cheating bastard who couldn't keep his penis in his pants. I think it might make it seem as if it's a competition for male attention between two women (the OW who has 'got away' with it, the 'bereaved' DW) rather than it being a case of a woman discovering that her man really isn't worth her time and trouble, and kicking him into the gutter where he belongs.

barking123 Fri 07-Mar-14 11:04:28

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hellsbellsmelons Fri 07-Mar-14 11:14:19

Glad to get your update.
You're already having some good days so that's brilliant.
I hope your family and friends are keeping you going.
Keep going - it will get better and better.

BeforeAndAfter Fri 07-Mar-14 11:24:13

It's great that you're having good days. Slowly but surely you will find that the good days just start to merge as the bad days become few and far between. It does happen in fits and starts so don't panic if you're in a lull - just ride it and know you will emerge and have a good day.

It was good to hear from you and that you're doing well. x

fruityloopy Tue 11-Mar-14 16:00:32

Hopefully you enjoyed a sunny weekend (I always find that does wonders for my spirits) It's so, so tough in the first few days, weeks and months..

I still can barely be in a room with my ex and it's now been 6 months. I loathe and hate what he subjected me to and how he thinks suddenly all the hurt and anger goes away.

How are you managing on a practical basis - I do find that a struggle. Is your ex having the children for you and enabling you to have some time to yourself ? I know that's very important too.

whostolethesocks Tue 11-Mar-14 18:51:21

I'm going to be 50 this year. Found out about exH's affair three years ago (but there'd been other stuff before). Been through the roller coaster of emotions, lost a load of weight (back on now :-(), had the shaking, sickness feelings. All very normal. Each day is awful. Some days you feel like doing nothing at all. If possible try and focus on your children. I didn't share in RL until it was actually final. Then I felt much stronger and started being practical and sorting out divorce issues, etc. Now with new partner who is totally different and made a new start but what's happened has left me with huge trust issues unfortunately :-(

barking123 Wed 12-Mar-14 00:46:18

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BeforeAndAfter Wed 12-Mar-14 08:38:28

I still can't bear the thought of being in the same room as OW (now the ex's wife).

I couldn't bring myself to go to DSD's graduation ceremony because I'm sure that when I see OW I will cause a scene and won't risk ruining an event. I'm very close to the girls and we talked it through and they agreed with me.

Thank god neither of them look set to marry any time soon!

barking123 Wed 12-Mar-14 09:01:18

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fruityloopy Thu 13-Mar-14 14:32:07

Good to hear you are managing on a practical level and you are getting some support from family. I know exactly what you mean about the time to yourself never seeming long enough!

I'm not entirely sure how long he was seeing the bitch OW, but it wasn't the first time he'd cheated. I would not be trusted to be anywhere near her ever. I have learnt to try not to even think about them.. it's not easy at all but, I just can't waste energy on it. I have huge panic attacks that he'll go off and have another child. I know our DD has met her, again, I've had to just try and be neutral and not ask questions, she referred to 'Daddy's friend' again, it made me feel sick, but I'm also aware I can't really enforce her not to see her. I think they just went to a cafe. DD certainly can't be over enamoured as she barely mentioned her or it. I worry obviously that he's told her not to say anything - but have warned him against ever, ever telling her not to tell me something. I'm not sure if at 3 she gets it. How old are your children ? Sorry, may have asked before but can't recall.

wholestocks, thoughts are with you, interesting you choose to not share until you were ready.. I'm kind of doing that and just dealing with things slowly and in my own way. I also hear you about the trust issues - I have been seeing someone new and we had a tiny wobble the other day and I realised how absolutely panic stricken I felt by the fact he wasn't telling me the truth. Luckily I've been very upfront, but it frightened me non the less how it exhausted me to have to think positive thoughts and not panic.

Well it's certainly feeling more spring like and warmer where I am - I do hope that's making everyone feel more positive.

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