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How can I be better?

(8 Posts)
Notsoyummymummy1 Thu 27-Feb-14 23:17:58

Since my dd was born two years ago, I've been so focused on her that my relationship with dh has suffered. We are both exhausted all the time and I'm always biting his head off and hating myself afterwards. I'm frightened that one day he will get fed up and leave me. I just don't know how to stop being so focused on dd and more on him - I find her so demanding and never get a chance to really talk to dh. We used to be best friends and have fun together, how can I be better at this?

trickycat Thu 27-Feb-14 23:19:29

Can you book a babysitter once a week/fortnight and go out somewhere together?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 28-Feb-14 10:51:05

I agree with the PP. Make a conscious effort to spend time together with and without DD, get more sleep, make space to relax and resolve not to bite anyone's head off. Do you divide domestic stuff equally between you?

rainbowsmiles Fri 28-Feb-14 11:05:52

Stop allowing her to be so demanding. Your not doing her any favours if she grows up believing her demands or desires take priority over everyone else.

At 2 I'd have her in bed by 7 and the night would be mine. I'm a hands on childcentric mum by day and I want the nights to be mine. That way you and dh have evenings together when you want.

I remember my mum used to always say night time was adult time and I agree.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 28-Feb-14 11:11:34

Do you have any support around you?
Family or friends who can help out with your DD maybe once a week?
If not then do you have the money to book a babysitter and just get out every now and then to spend some quality time with your DH.
Do you work together at home?
Can you do bath and bedtime together?
Your DC must sleep sometimes so why can't you be together once DD has gone to bed?
Do you feel as though you get support and help from your DH with looking after DD and household chores?
Do you get free time for yourself away from DD and DH to just take a breather from everything?
Sorry for all the questions here.

badbaldingballerina123 Fri 28-Feb-14 13:14:12

I'm with rainbow on this , my two year old would be in be in bed by seven as well. Your not doing her any favours if your neglecting your marriage.

The snapping needs to stop , I wouldn't put up with this regardless of how exhausted somebody was. Why don't you sit down with h and come
Up with a plan to improve things

Notsoyummymummy1 Sun 02-Mar-14 13:45:55

Thanks all - yes dh helps with chores and with looking after her as much as he can but as a SAHM I'm with her a lot more obviously and living on one salary makes going out unaffordable. We do sit down together in the evening but usually end up falling asleep on the sofa and with him being on night shifts a lot we often don't even have that.

I guess that unconsciously it's just all become about her - our parents help out a bit but they're all in their late sixties and have had health problems so we don't like to burden them for too long at a time. Every time we put some money by for a meal out something always happens like she needs new shoes etc etc.

I don't think she's particularly demanding she's just an over zealous two year old but a lot of times dh is trying to tell me about his day and she's completely drowning him out yelling at me to come and play and I'm trying to do the tea and give attention to them both. Mealtimes are all about her - telling her off for leaning back in her chair and trying to stop her making a mess etc! Bedtime is difficult too - we take it in turns to put her to bed but it always takes ages for her to settle.

We do have lots of laughs together as a family but as a couple we argue more than we ever used to. Mostly it's me feeling resentful of him going out and doing lots of hobbies or his parents being inconsiderate. Every day I tell myself I'm going to do better but I always end up moaning about something!!!

Lizzabadger Sun 02-Mar-14 13:51:34

1. Work things out so that you both get equal time to relax.
2. Take up a hobby (exercise?)/part-time work/voluntary work.
3. Pick your battles with DD - maybe you can just relax and enjoy meals a bit more rather than worrying about mess ad how she is sitting.
4. Do little nice things for your DH e.g. bring cups of tea (and him for you)
5. Learn to manage your anger (e.g. walk away; think "how much will this matter in 6 months?"; "I don't want to be someone who's always shouting" - lots of tips on the internet)
6. Remember this is all pretty normal and it will pass.
Good luck!

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