Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How to pick your life partner...

(25 Posts)
BOFtastic Thu 27-Feb-14 19:36:59

I've just read this rather good article on the subject, and thought it would make for interesting reading in this section.

What do you think?

georgesdino Thu 27-Feb-14 19:46:30

I met a man then a couple of days later knew we would marry, quickly married and been great since then. Tips are never go to sleep on an argument, have lots of fun, and if you have an instant connection and just click,the rest is easy really as we are best friends and I fancy him.

I dont believe in rules, lists, planning as when you know you know to me.

SailingToByzantium Thu 27-Feb-14 20:29:05

I found finding a life partner easier than reading that article...

BOFtastic Thu 27-Feb-14 20:56:47

Did you? I thought it was pretty lighthearted- it is from a Psychologies-type US magazine, not an academic journal confused.

Helltotheno Thu 27-Feb-14 21:06:51

It's long.. but actually really good.

LittleMouseontheDairy Thu 27-Feb-14 21:08:50

I thought it was interesting! It's good to be reminded about the importance of basic compatibility as well as/ over the grand gestures. smile

100PercentDiscocunt Thu 27-Feb-14 21:13:11

I read this earlier and thought it was spot on. Thanks for sharing it.

Superworm Thu 27-Feb-14 21:34:17

Long but interesting. Shame I didn't read this before getting married grin

SailingToByzantium Fri 28-Feb-14 07:08:09

I was being a bit tongue in cheek but I thought the article starts from the premise that there is a life partner out there for you if only we can find them - rather than find somebody you are happy with and maybe grow to be life partners. I not certain the wider search pool - online dating, compatibility tests, etc actually help the process - as we ended up endlessly searching for our 'one true love' like some Disney film

juneau Fri 28-Feb-14 08:08:25

Yes, an interesting read - and one with many valid points. I can think of several marriages where some of those things were ignored at the outset and now I see the couples rubbing along together for the sake of the children and actually spending increasingly large amounts of time apart.

I do think pushing the internet dating angle is a bit much though and ignores the fact that many happy and truly compatible relationships are forged with the girl or boy next door. Throwing your net open really wide in your search may be a good strategy in theory, but when you know you have unlimited possible options it can be hard to make a commitment to just one person. I used to live in NYC, a city of limitless dating opportunities and my single friends skipped merrily from one person to the next without ever really giving anyone the chance to make a real impression on them. The tyranny of choice!

Ledkr Fri 28-Feb-14 08:39:18

I was with x for 18 yrs and never once felt as safe and contented as I do with dh.
We talk about everything even if its difficult.
I'm always shocked on threads where people are worried about something they've seen or heard and don't tell their dp.
We love each other so much that stuff like getting up early with kids or housework are just naturally shared because neither wants the other to be tired or stressed, therefore no arguments to be had.
Lots of physical affection and nice compliments also help.

JohnFarleysRuskin Fri 28-Feb-14 09:01:52

I thought that was good. I liked the cartoons especially, "other people, versus my gut - sorry they are bigger than you."

LessMissAbs Fri 28-Feb-14 12:57:07

Its very general isn't it, and seems to be pushing that old line of widening your personal boundaries and considering people you wouldn't normally fancy.

Equally, you could logically argue that a life long relationship is unrealistic and a bonus if it happens and that relationships shouldn't be viewed as unsuccessful because they break down in time.

And being realistic, how many people have that much choice of partner anyway? For many, its who will accept them, not a choice from a multitude of willing candidates.

The article is also very critical of personality types but how many people are there with no personality flaws?

BOFtastic Sat 01-Mar-14 01:27:02

I think it is pretty clear that we are all flawed, but that we should just decide whether we are ok with the flaws in our prospective partners, bearing in mind the long haul.

I do see the issue with the "tyranny of choice" though- great phrase grin. I'm also ambivalent about the online dating as a cure-all; nowt wrong with the old agony aunt advice of taking classes and joining clubs around your interests, IMO, but I might be old school! I met my partner at an art exhibition.

perfectstorm Sat 01-Mar-14 01:30:55

Someone kind. I've never forgotten a Nora Ephron quote: "Never marry someone you wouldn't like to be divorced from" because it's so, so true. Most people are lovely in the early days - but life throws curve balls, and shit will hit, so look to see how they treated their exes, how they treat people they don't like, and how they treat staff in shops and restaurants etc. - basically, what they're like when not on their best behaviour.

Common values, interests and intelligence helps. But kindness is IMO essential.

BOFtastic Sat 01-Mar-14 02:30:25

That is such a great way of putting it, thanks!

fideline Sat 01-Mar-14 03:04:31

What perfectstorm said. Kindness is so important and yet completely underrated. I married my DH because he was kind. To me, to children, to animals, to complete wankers sometimes.

louby44 Sat 01-Mar-14 08:17:32

perfect that is so true. My exH is still a friend, he's a kind decent man (we married maybe too young, he was immature) but my exP has always had a nasty, unkind streak. Spoke about all his exes with contempt (I'm probably spoken about like that now ha) and was quite a viscious person.

Kindness and being decent are very important!

BillyBanter Sat 01-Mar-14 08:29:05

Is not fully in my control though because I need to find someone who is also interested in me.

This would be a good article to show people in unhappy relationships that going single is a step chooser to happy coupledom than whet they are now.

clam Sat 01-Mar-14 08:30:37

What perfectstorm said. My mother also always said kindness was a non-negotiable.
Dh is a pain in the arse at times, but he's inherently decent and kind, and has integrity. His good points far outweigh his bad.
I, of course, am perfect.

100PercentDiscocunt Sat 01-Mar-14 08:59:35

DH is a nice man, and although he has many qualities I adore I always come back to the niceness as the reason I picked him.

It's important.

deepest Sat 01-Mar-14 17:45:10

waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner-part-2.html

I think that the first part was more revealling -- the essentials of a good relationship..

ThinkIMmad Sat 01-Mar-14 23:23:32

Aww skimmed the article i will have to go back to it another time when im a bit more alert but i find this sort of thing realily interesting.

I have almost been with DH 8 years and i knew there was something special about him and he says he knew strate away i was special. Weve always had such an amazing relationship there has been a couple of issues that weve had to deal with but touch wood we will carry on the way we are.
I guess everyones different but with us i think the factors that make us happy are, we enjoy the same things, we enjoy each other company, we still have that original physical attraction, can talk to each other about anything, if we have a little argument the next minute we will be laughing our heads off at each other, we are supportive of each other and care for each other etc.

I cant imagine my life with out him remember when we first got together and had to spend more than 1 night away from him i missed him like crazy it hurt, it may not be as dramatic but i feel like that now when ive been stuck in all day with kids and tooing and throwing from school/nursery run all i can think of is seeing his big chirpy grin walking threw the door. I know i sound so soppy but hes just as bad i can assure you

Marissa951 Sun 02-Mar-14 02:48:59

It was a really good article but I have no idea to find my partner for life cause nobody really likes my personality

ThinkIMmad Sun 02-Mar-14 10:58:33

Marissa951 - dont be so hard on yourself. There is somewhere out there for everyone smile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now