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Last night my DP 'came out'

(88 Posts)
NameChangeExtraordinare Thu 27-Feb-14 12:53:20

I've nc'd for this.

Last night, after ten years together, DP told me that he 'thinks' he is bisexual. It didn't come as a surprise to me to be honest, I'd found things; internet search history and an interesting tumblr account he didn't think I knew about. I've had an idea for four years, I was just waiting for him to tell me...

So, he's finally told me. I asked him whether he'd ever been with a man and he said he hadn't, or been unfaithful. I believe him.

Where do we go from here? I've told him that it changes nothing and that I still love him very much. But does it change things? He says he doesn't want anyone else, wants our relationship to stay the same but he felt like he had to be honest with me. Can things stay as they are now that's out in the open? He said he doesn't want to see what it's like being with a man. I don't really understand that.

It was late when we talked, so I'm sure we'll talk some more about it. But I just wanted to see if anyone else had been in this position and what, if anything, changed within your relationship. TIA.

Rebecca2014 Fri 28-Feb-14 15:59:21

If my husband came out as bisexual that would be a huge issue for me. He properly has never had a same sex encounter so it is likely that him telling you he is bisexual is the first step and the next will be the talk, the talk to ask if he can explore his sexuality.

I also think a lot of bisexual men end up with men unlike bisexual women where the majority stick with the opposite sex.

DayAfterYesterday Fri 28-Feb-14 16:49:28

Its just ignorant to assume only women are truly bisexual and men will end up with men because they are just in denial right? Being honest about who you are doesn't mean you want approval to explore or be unfaithful

Rebecca2014 Fri 28-Feb-14 18:45:53

How is it ignorant if it is true? I never said only women were truly bisexual, I said majority of women end up with men as their life partners.

Why tell her this if he did not want to explore? how can he help himself? he has admitted he is attracted to men and I am sure he been looking at gay porn so how long is that going to keep him satisfied? curiosity killed the cat you know.

I like to see an update in an year time and I be the first to say I told you so.

I am bisexual and although I have never been with a woman and am now married to a man it's still something I identify with. I do not have a desire to explore what it would be like to be with a woman and I don't feel unfulfilled.

I think it is easier for women though. There's still a bit of a taboo with men about the idea of being gay as in you either are or you aren't. In my experience nobody has really been slightly thrown by my being bisexual, in fact I've had a lot of comments saying "Most women are" which TBH I think is a bit hmm.

It might be something he's not thought about before now and now suddenly it's come up and he wanted to be honest with you about it so that you didn't worry if he ever made a comment about a man etc.

DayAfterYesterday Fri 28-Feb-14 19:01:32

Because how can you possibly know that? How do you know that there isn't lots of women in what appears to be lesbian relationships who are bi, or married men in straight relationships who are bi, people don't wear signs. There is a big difference between curiosity and following it through, looking at gay porn isn't a gateway to cheating if anything it may help scratch the itch, do men who look at straight porn end up cheating with other women? Or vice versa straight women?

Grennie Fri 28-Feb-14 19:02:46

Bertie, nobody has an issue with women being bisexual. Indeed it is almost expected. Being lesbian is treated totally differently, especially when you make it clear that really does mean you have no interest in men.

NameChangeExtraordinare Fri 28-Feb-14 20:06:29

It was incredibly difficult for him to tell me. I believe he's been working himself up to it for a while, and I get why. He was raised by a religious relative who thought gays and white people were heathens, in a house with cousins who thought unless you're manly and unfeeling you're gay. He was a sensitive child and was called gay, and was bullied by them. I knew that, so the minute I started getting an idea about it I knew he wouldn't find it easy to tell me, so I waited...

I really believe him when he says he loves and is attracted to me. The man deserves an oscar if he's lying. Some of these posts have been really quite bigoted, and I'm a bit shocked by it tbh.

TheRaniOfYawn Fri 28-Feb-14 20:17:12

Actually, now I think about it, pretty much all the bisexual men I know are married to women.

I'm sure it is Grennie sad I'm under no illusions, it's astonishingly easy for me to be bisexual and yet never have dated a woman, because it means that anybody I choose to tell just accepts their own reality of it without questioning it. I suspect most of my family think it was a passing phase or curiosity I grew out of or consoled themselves that "It's okay because she dates men"

Upnotdown Sat 01-Mar-14 10:16:49

I suppose it's a bit of a surprise for you but I can't see how bisexual = cheater? It shouldn't really have any effect other than you now know something you didn't before...

wouldbemedic Sat 01-Mar-14 22:14:02

OP my heart goes out to your DP. He's really lucky to have you. After a miserable childhood such as he's had, your compassion and sensitivity must be his pole star - sounds like he knows it, too. You'll work this out.

Reading the responses on this thread have shocked me too. I hadn't realised there were so many paranoid, ill-informed women on the relationships board. Won't be queuing up here for advice anytime soon.

Good luck. thanks

JadziaSnax Sun 02-Mar-14 02:39:06

Good on him for being able to open up and tell you. From what you've said, it seems like it's taken him a while to come to terms with it. You sound lovely too, and really supportive, perceptive and open minded flowers. I'm horrified by some of the biphobic posts. Sexuality is a spectrum, not an either/or option.

I came out as bi to my (then) DP when we'd been together for just over a year. I was worried about his reaction but had to be honest with him. He was 'the one', the person I saw as my potential life partner. He took it pretty well and we've been together now for 22 years & married for 17 years. My sexuality does not automatically make me unfaithful. A cheater is a cheater, whatever their sexual orientation.

I agree with wouldbemedic, you'll work it out.

veryconfused2 Sun 02-Mar-14 19:07:01

I think the fact he has been open with you about it bodes well. I recently found out my DH is a crossdresser and he eventually acknowledge he may be bisexual. However, his behaviour has been inappropriate - my DH was having cyber sex with transexual/bi/gay men and got off on men watching him masturbate on web cams. He didn't tell me any of this I had to find out. So what I am trying to say is if your partner has not interacted with other men whilst in a relationship with you and the fact he is honest about his sexuality probably bodes well. In my case, my husband's deception is what has been hard to deal with.

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