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Last night my DP 'came out'

(88 Posts)
NameChangeExtraordinare Thu 27-Feb-14 12:53:20

I've nc'd for this.

Last night, after ten years together, DP told me that he 'thinks' he is bisexual. It didn't come as a surprise to me to be honest, I'd found things; internet search history and an interesting tumblr account he didn't think I knew about. I've had an idea for four years, I was just waiting for him to tell me...

So, he's finally told me. I asked him whether he'd ever been with a man and he said he hadn't, or been unfaithful. I believe him.

Where do we go from here? I've told him that it changes nothing and that I still love him very much. But does it change things? He says he doesn't want anyone else, wants our relationship to stay the same but he felt like he had to be honest with me. Can things stay as they are now that's out in the open? He said he doesn't want to see what it's like being with a man. I don't really understand that.

It was late when we talked, so I'm sure we'll talk some more about it. But I just wanted to see if anyone else had been in this position and what, if anything, changed within your relationship. TIA.

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 27-Feb-14 14:09:56

Someone looking at things on the internet because they are trying to accept and understand their own sexuality is nothing like a married man checking out women on the internet. Sorry, but it's not.

And a big announcement is better than him sneaking about on the internet, no?

Lollypop1983 Thu 27-Feb-14 14:10:24

Totally agree with above

Lollypop1983 Thu 27-Feb-14 14:11:09

I meant I agree with dita

Helltotheno Thu 27-Feb-14 14:16:00

And a big announcement is better than him sneaking about on the internet, no?

Well the answer to that depends on what happens next for the OP no? Surely it's not just now he's realising he's bisexual.

The two posters above who are with bisexual men and knew about it from the off, that's different imo.

I'm just making the point that his sexuality shouldn't matter if he's in a happy and exclusive relationship with OP. To put it another way, if my DH told me that, it would be somewhat similar in importance (in my eyes) to him telling me bought a litre of milk, given that we're in an exclusive relationship. Is there any other reason he'd be telling me?

NameChangeExtraordinare Thu 27-Feb-14 14:38:49

Some of the advice so far has been great. Thank you all so much.

There's no transition for me I suppose, I've known for quite some time. It's never been a big deal, I've always felt he'd tell me when he's ready. As for him, he said that he wants nothing to change between us, and if he's being honest about not wanting to be with anyone else, then I see no reason why it would.

I suppose I'll just have to trust that there's no motive behind him telling me Hellto. He's said it's just because he wants to be more open with me, I have no reason to think he's lying. Just have to wait and see I guess. I'm just glad he trusts me enough to not reject him.

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 27-Feb-14 14:42:46

Sorry Hell not sure I understand what you mean cake

It's not something he's withheld or lied about - it takes people ages to come to terms with their sexuality.

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 27-Feb-14 14:42:59

*some people

Hoppinggreen Thu 27-Feb-14 14:51:46

Telling you he is bisexual should be a problem as long as he isn't planning on being unfaithful to you ( or has been already)
If not then I don't think this changes anything in a practical sense - unless it changes how you feel about him?

Helltotheno Thu 27-Feb-14 14:53:54

Yes I know that Whatever but the fact of his coming out as bi doesn't change his current status, so obviously it's great that he was able to say it, but it doesn't mean anything changes, so I'm just wondering why it was bigger news than just normal conversation. But like I said, I'm not one for attaching much importance to labels so probably not showing enough empathy to someone who would consider it a big thing.

The concern I'd have is that he would now want to act on that given that he's been researching it, and acting on it would involve men since he's already with a woman. Nothing wrong with that in itself either, but in the context of a committed relationship, it would matter to the other person.

But OP if you're happy that nothing like that is on the cards, hopefully everything will just continue as normal.

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 27-Feb-14 14:55:20

OK smile I hope it works out for you and DP too OP x

Dahlen Thu 27-Feb-14 15:03:23

Have you always been very open about your own sexual orientation and had discussions about it in the past? Have you friends/colleagues who are gay/bi? What I'm trying to establish is does your DP know that you are perfectly unbothered by his sexuality as long as it's compatible with being in a relationship with you?

Has he said anything somewhat homophobic in the past? Does he feel that being bisexual is something to be ashamed or wary of? THat might explain why he's making it such a big deal.

I think these questions are quite important. Because if he genuinely believes someone's sexual orientation is neither here nor there and does know that you are equally unbigoted, I'm with Heltotheno that he is giving this revelation an unwarranted significance.

It's only noteworthy if he's struggling with his own psychological hangups, is lacking confidence in your reaction, or looking to experiment.

BitOutOfPractice Thu 27-Feb-14 15:14:20

quietlysuggests can I just say that your opening gambit on this thread is perhaps the most spectacularly unhelpful and hilariously self unaware comments I have ever read.

After opening with the information that you go not have a schools what the fuck you are talking about, you then blithely and confidently tell the op that her DH will be soon living with a man. You are even confident enough in your opinion that you give a definite timescale. Splendid work!

Like quietly, I also have no direct experience of this but to me it sounds as if you have a good foundation of communication going which will stand you in good stead. Good luck x

ScarletStar Thu 27-Feb-14 15:19:13

I think you have a really healthy relationship and I'm sure your partner will be even happier now he's told you something that was obviously eating him up. He'll love you even more for being so understanding, as anyone would.

struggling100 Thu 27-Feb-14 16:02:34

I think you should probably see this as a very healthy thing: he trusts you a great deal to be able to admit this, and he has a great amount of faith in your relationship. For many people, sexuality is not an on/off thing, but a continuum, and he has simply recognized this. I know it might feel a bit like a paradigm shift, and I think it's normal to feel a bit of anxiety about an announcement like that simply because it's new - but it really doesn't change anything between you. The main thing is he loves you and wants to be with you!

hookedonchoc Thu 27-Feb-14 16:04:55

To those who wonder what the point of the big announcement was, you only have to read some of the posts on this thread to see there is a shocking amount of biphobia still out there. So coming out can be quite terrifying, particularly if you fear losing the most important relationship in your life.

Not coming out on the other hand means lying by omission to the one's spouse and never quite being able to be oneself, always keeping guard against a stray glance or comment which might give you away.

Imo it is a big deal for many people, and it seems the OP and her dh have handled it admirably. Being out to an accepting spouse no doubt comes as a great relief to him.

KnitFastDieWarm Thu 27-Feb-14 16:33:13

I'm bisexual. I'm attracted to people. in my life so far, around 80% of them have been men. I'm married to a man. However, I feel it's important for me to be 'out' because it's part of who I am. unless you are gay or bi you will never know just how many times a day you have to bite your tongue, and how many times a day you are reminded that your perfectly natural attraction is not 'normal'.
my husband knows, he doesn't care beyond enjoying discussing women we both find attractive! he knows I love him.
I hate the way being gay or bi is always reduced purely to a function of's so much more than that. to me, it's just means that I see the person, then the gender.

ignore the biphobic nastiness up thread - truly sickening.

NotNewButNameChanged Thu 27-Feb-14 16:39:29

eisbaer said "I don't buy "bi", nor do many of my gay friends. You're either one or t'other ... or in part-denial."

This, along with some of the other biphobic bullshit on this thread, is quite frankly disgusting. Homosexuality may well be far more 'acceptable' these days but that cannot be said for bisexuality. I find it astonishing that the worst biphobia does tend to come from gay people who, quite frankly, ought to know better and show a lot more understanding.

Shame on you and your gay friends.

jayho Thu 27-Feb-14 17:23:58

My son describes himself as 'pan-sexual' which I find easier to understand than 'bi-sexual' for some reason. He's attracted to everyone, he doesn't see the gender/sexuality differences/constructs that most of us do - including me, I'm heterosexual, that's it, no prejudice but that's the way I roll.

I think it's a positive move by your dp, doesn't mean anything much more than he's an honest bloke.

WhateverTrevor83 Thu 27-Feb-14 17:31:21

There is that old saying on the gay scene... 'bi now, gay later' grin but only pretty thick people actually believe it.

Lottapianos Thu 27-Feb-14 17:36:23

This reminds me of the nauseating snuggery when Tom Daley came out as bi recently. Lots of 'oh bless him well OF COURSE we all knew he was gay all along'... When the poor bloke actually said he still fancied girls. It takes a special kind of arrogance to think you know someone else's sexuality better than they do

PaulaFletch14 Thu 27-Feb-14 17:36:57

I do have experience of this. My ex husband was bi sexual I found out after 8 years together three of them married. I found out by catching him watching gay porn. Things were never the same. I stuck it out for another six years. Eventually it came between us and I left. I didn't tell anyone in all that time. Obviously if he felt the need for porn then being married wasn't enough. I had no doubt he loved me but everyone has needs. Looking back the sex was never great and I now know why. I am now happily engaged to be married to a wonderful man and my ex husband since the split has had one women and over 35 men despite his pleas that he fancies women more. You need to talk but it won't be easy take it from someone who has been there. Good luck

Lottapianos Thu 27-Feb-14 17:37:01

Should be 'smuggery' of course!

wouldbemedic Thu 27-Feb-14 17:48:12

If my DH, or any other partner I've had, felt attracted to other men, I know it would be a big deal for them and would feel like a heavy burden not to share. It would feel like an identity issue for them - did I know who they were and still love them? Of course the answer should always be yes, but I can understood someone feeling the need to check. Sadly. OP your partner doesn't need an ulterior motive for wanting to share this with you. Presumably there is a reason why he picked yesterday out of all the other days, but it doesn't have to be the reasons that some posters have assumed. You need to keep talking together about this because your fears and questions need to be answered. That said, don't let anyone on mumsnet give you extra fears. There are plenty of bigoted crazies around - fun to chat with but I wouldn't listen to for a moment smile

Minnieisthedevilmouse Thu 27-Feb-14 17:53:38

I'd say everything should be fine til he meets someone he's attracted to.

Like anyone else really.

ethelb Thu 27-Feb-14 18:04:25

What a horribly biphobic thread. OP you seem to be handling it quite well though. Good luck.

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