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Feeling so guilty...

(11 Posts)
Xena984 Wed 26-Feb-14 23:14:58

Hello,
Not proud of myself at all, but had several affairs during my marriage, one lasting seven years. I was

't found out, but decided I'd found 'the one' four years ago and asked to separate.

I'm living with our two children, my ex lives with his parents, and supports me and the children financially. He is very good about this, we have a lot of joint debt and can't afford to divorce.

'The one' turned out not to be him after all and I finished it. He still contacts me regularly, as does the one from the long affair - I do not encourage this at all.

I have met someone else and we are close. He just feels right for me. All going well, apart from the awful guilt I feel about my ex being alone. I just know he won't move on. We see each other often, things are amicable and we got on really well. I sometimes think about getting back with my ex, for financial reasons and because I know it would make him happy, and my line easier because I wouldn't have this guilt, which is truly weighing me down so much

If it was just a question of friendship I could do it, but there is no physical desire there at all. I just can't imagine kissing him, let alone being intimate with him.

I feel so bound up with him, we've been together for nearly 28 years, and he has no friends so I'm all he has.

I just don't know what to do.

Xena984 Wed 26-Feb-14 23:16:56

**sorry for mistype - I wasn't found out over my affairs. He had no suspicions at all.

fortyplus Wed 26-Feb-14 23:25:54

I left my dh about 18 months ago - after 28 years. Never thought he'd move on but he's now in a relationship with a lovely lady. Don't flatter yourself - he'll get on fine without you once he's ready.

The problem lies with you - you don't believe that you're a nice person any more.

RollerCola Wed 26-Feb-14 23:28:45

I think you owe it to all the partners you cheated on to move on and try to understand why you treated them all so badly.

It doesn't matter that you weren't found out. The fact is that you've lied and cheated. Do not get back with your ex-husband, he deserves much better than you. You've already said there's no physical attraction so please don't do it 'for financial reasons'

tessa6 Wed 26-Feb-14 23:34:34

I think it's pretty clear what you should do, from the outside. Move on, detach, let him find someone else or not if that's what he wants. As long as you quietly consider it, without knowing it you encourage hope in him and prolong the pain. You need to accept that you found something so lacking in the relationship, or in yourself, throughout your time together that you repeatedly betrayed him. He is better off without you. Your post does not suggest any way at all that is different now. I think if you were to read it from the outside or advise a friend it would be very clear to you that getting back together with someone because of 'money' and feeling sorry for them is a terrible idea. I have no doubt you would betray him again if you returned to him.

I think you need to seriously realize that he is better off without you. And I think you need to understand that your guilt is a way of maintaining power over him. Free yourself from your guilt towards him being alone. And honestly consider that what you really feel guilty about is giving him hope in the present.

I know it is terrible to feel weighed down by guilt but I suspect this is more complicated than that and actually you just do not want to lose this man from your life. That is understandable but cruel. The best thing you can do is detach properly and understand you were a bad thing for him in many ways and perhaps continue to be. If you really care about him you will let him move on and stop monopolizing his affections and using him to meet your needs. Truly caring for someone is bigger than that.

CailinDana Wed 26-Feb-14 23:34:35

What you should do is get over yourself. You're not god's gift to mankind. Your ex is not a toy to pick up and put down as you please. Show some basic respect for him and leave him alone.

You feel guilty because you have treated a good man like shit. Now you're contemplating stringing him along even further to assuage your guilt. Nice.

Poor guy. What bad luck he had meeting you.

moonriverandme Wed 26-Feb-14 23:36:58

I think it would be a mistake to get back with your husband because you feel sorry for him, he deserves better than that.In time he will be ready to move on. How do you know this man is " the one"? Perhaps you would be better off spending time on your own working out what you want from a relationship and why you needed to have affairs

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 26-Feb-14 23:56:33

Your post sounds like , well, All for you, and you for you. Imho, you are possibly not feeling guilty about the man you married; but rather pity.
So you want to throw him a bone of a charity relationship (even though the thought of intimacy is revolting to you)...so nice of you- not.

NotNewButNameChanged Thu 27-Feb-14 08:22:29

Poor guy. You treat him like shit and he's still paying to support you. Get out and work for crying out loud - you might gain some self respect and stop shagging all over the shop. Don't see why he needs to support you, only his children. Selfish piece of work.

Lweji Thu 27-Feb-14 08:54:35

Getting back together would be to no one's advantage. Except perhaps yours, financially. hmm

Do him a favour and stay away from him. He deserves closure and a woman who actually loves him and respects him.

Xena984 Thu 27-Feb-14 21:12:45

Wow. Some of you are so helpful, really insightful comments, thanks.

I thought my initial comment was long enough and didn't feel the need to explain about the aggression that was a feature of mine and my children's daily life, or the violence, the lack of love, passion, kindness and general interest in my life. The fact that I worked a full time job plus doing three all night shifts in a garage to make ends meet.

Yet I can't move on without feeling guilty because I don't want him to be alone.

No need for anyone to comment, you've all made your thoughts very clear.

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