Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Aibu to be really hurt by this comment?

(81 Posts)
Dollslikeyouandme Wed 26-Feb-14 17:40:36

I've been with 'p' for 5 years, I have one dc from a previous relationship, been with p since ds was about 10 months old. So although not his child should be as good as.

I very rarely do anything on my own apart from go to work. My mum has ds about every few months overnight so that dp and I can go out.

I get my hair cut about every 3-4 months, I have to book the appointment a few weeks in advance but it's a great and cheap salon. Dp usually has ds while I get my hair done. It's the absolute only time he ever has ds on his own.

P is giving me the silent treatment since the weekend over something unrelated. He wouldn't give me an answer over whether I could still get my hair done, he's just told me I just see him as a babysitter and to ask my mum. A babysitter? Really?

I'm so angry but also hurt.

PollyCazaletWannabe Wed 26-Feb-14 17:42:01

He sounds appalling, sorry. The silent treatment is cruel and childish for a start. So many red flags sad

Minnieisthedevilmouse Wed 26-Feb-14 17:43:51

Get less hassle off my baby sitter tbh....

RatherBeRiding Wed 26-Feb-14 17:45:45

Is this kind of sulking unusual? If so it sounds as though there's something else going on other than a hair appointment.

Have you had any concerns about the relationship - do you think HE has any concerns about the relationship?

Time for a frank chat I think

Dollslikeyouandme Wed 26-Feb-14 17:49:46

Yes he sulks every few weeks, refuses to talk about it, blames me for everything, tells me he's unhappy, threatens to break up, then usually ends up apologising after punishing me for days for whatever he perceives I've done.

This 'babysitter' comment was just below the belt though, how can he be so dismissive towards a child who's life he's been involved with for so long.

And so rude to me knowing that it's rare that I ask anyone for child are help.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 26-Feb-14 17:51:56

This is wrong on so many levels. The babysitting remark shows you exactly where he sees himself in the family i.e. no requirement to pull his weight - everyone is there for his benefit. The silent treatment is horrible and sounds a lot like bullying. You get zero time to yourself and I'd lay money on his social life being broader than work, home and a few nights out with you. And then to put the tin lid on it you seemed to be asking his permission to go out and get your hair cut.

Glad you're angry...

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 26-Feb-14 17:54:27

You realise the pattern of behaviour you're describing is called 'emotional abuse'. Sulks, blame, threats... it's nasty, deliberate and designed to keep you in your place. He sounds like a shit, frankly.

sofahogger Wed 26-Feb-14 18:00:29

Are you with my exh? He used to treat me the exact same and refused to 'babysit' his own dc when I wanted to go to get my haircut or a quick swim. Even now when he has them every other weekend he thinks he's doing me a favour.

WelshMoth Wed 26-Feb-14 18:02:09

all what Cogito says.

I find that anger helps you think with more clarity. Use it OP. Time for some decisive action.

Only1scoop Wed 26-Feb-14 18:07:22

Dolls.... I remember your prev thread I think. Did he move in? Sorry things havn't got better.

Dollslikeyouandme Wed 26-Feb-14 18:10:26

The row Saturday was probably my fault. But I'd suggested going out last minute ish, he dragged his feet letting me know even though he knew my mum wanted to know whether she had ds coming to stay. He went to bed to sleep then lay in bed playing games on his phone so long that we'd have been too late to catch the film we'd chosen. I ended up crying and having a go at him about not giving a stuff and leaving me to sort everything out. He thinks it's up to me to get him out of bed, take ds to my mums, book the table, choose the film. I'd have just liked some enthusiasm.

I've since apologised over and over I've explained that it just built up in me because I feel he doesn't put any effort in or suggest things to do.

Dollslikeyouandme Wed 26-Feb-14 18:14:04

No they haven't got better and every time I think that they have they seem to get worse again. And every time I think he won't stoop any lower he does.

Ragwort Wed 26-Feb-14 18:15:28

This is the second thread I have seen today about women living with a 'man child'. It is seriously depressing.

What do you get out of this 'relationship' hmm.

You are right, he is not putting any effort into the relationship, he is not that bothered, why are you 'apologising over and over' - you have done nothing wrong.

You need to really think about why you want to stay with this man, surely you and your child would be happier on your own?

whatsagoodusername Wed 26-Feb-14 18:16:01

The row on Saturday was not your fault. It is not your responsibility to get a grown man out of bed.

Dollslikeyouandme Wed 26-Feb-14 18:22:02

Because I was the one who ended up crying and shouting and complaining. And I know that isn't the way to deal with things. But his attitude builds up inside me.

Things like Saturday afternoon. We went for a stroll up the high street, had a sandwich by the river, then ds asked to go to the library, we all agreed then 2 minutes later dp turns round and says, going home now then are we?

On it's own it doesn't seem much but he does it all the time.

When I suggested we go for a meal Saturday his response was 'well I asked you two weeks ago and you didn't want to'. How is that relevant?

Ragwort Wed 26-Feb-14 18:23:29

It sounds like you are making all the effort in this relationship and he is making none, seriously - what do YOU get out of the relationship? Is it the sort of family situation that you really want to raise your son in?

Dollslikeyouandme Wed 26-Feb-14 18:31:39

I don't know I'm just bloody stupid or desperate or both.

When he's in a good mood he's lovely. He's good at making me think things are my fault.

Ok so we all know shouting, arguing, crying in a relationship are wrong. He doesn't really do any of those things.

Like he can behave exactly as he chooses but so long as he's not shouting or causing an argument it's ok. If I pull him up on something he says I'm causing an argument, attacking him, bullying him.

Stockhausen Wed 26-Feb-14 18:33:23

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this, but it is emotional abuse, you don't deserve it & would be better/happier without him.

Only1scoop Wed 26-Feb-14 18:37:32

Dolls ....last month if I remember you had his belongings <which were at your house> bagged up and ready to go....did you split up for a while?
Did he ever fetch his things?

Walkacrossthesand Wed 26-Feb-14 18:38:00

Come on, dolls, you know it shouldn't be like this. Have you given any thought to how you could split - are you renting/buying, could you carry on working without him (doesn't sound like you need him for childcare) etc? Surely you'd be happier just you and DC, not bracing yourself against the next round of aggro?

MyNameIsKenAdams Wed 26-Feb-14 18:40:59

Do you want your son growing up around this sort of shite - thinking this is what its like to be someones boyfriend or husband?

Stockhausen Wed 26-Feb-14 18:43:34

Looked back at your previous thread "aibu to know what time he's coming over" last month, where you were told to LTB.

You know it's all wrong.

Dollslikeyouandme Wed 26-Feb-14 18:45:18

Example is say he gets wee on the toilet basin, I'm the only one who cleans the toilet so I say 'dp, you've got wee on the toilet seat, can you just check next time' his response is to stick his lip out say I hate him, if I ask him a second, or third time he says I'm attacking/bullying/I'm a man hater/blames it on ds.

We were on the verge of splitting up, we did, I think at the time he probably ended up apologising and I let him back in.

Stockhausen Wed 26-Feb-14 18:45:43

Posted too soon, so if after 5yrs you don't even live together...

I'd assume I was being used as a spunk-rag.

Optimist1 Wed 26-Feb-14 18:45:51

shouting, arguing, crying in a relationship are wrong ... in my view causing your partner to shout, argue or cry is very wrong!! What you describe is heartless behaviour from someone who isn't committed to the relationship. I hope you can bear to think seriously about how your life would be without this apology for a man.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: