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My ex really hurt me, he wont apologise and I'm struggling to accept what he did and move on for our childs sake(16 Posts)
Hi ladies. I struggling at the moment with my Ex.. we split up 6 months ago and I have a lot of anger and hurt feelings towards him as when we split I was suffering PND and he left, not only this, I discovered months later that he had been having long conversations with my parents and making up lies about me (saying i was drinking, seeing other men etc)... this was all lies because he didnt want to look like he'd just walked out on me.. he had to make me look bad so he wouldn't look bad for leaving me with a young baby... anyway...
fast fwd 6 months and im trying to just forget the past and get on with him for our sons sake but im really struggling... i feel so so hurt and let down by what he did.. ive asked for an explanation/apology and told him i need this to be able to move forward but he wont give me one as that just the way he is!... i wanted to know how i can just put this to rest, forget what he did and just move on as its eating me up inside to carry around all this bitterness... anyone know of any self help books dealing with specifically this (i.e forgiving someone so u can just move on?) (for the record i dont still love him and dont want him back..
You don't need to ' get on with him ' you know...
The quickest way to heal from this sort of thing is to put space between the two of you. That means absolutely no texting / emailing / talking unless it is very specifically about your child and an absolute ' must have' conversation.
Let go your burning desire for answers and explanations and stop trying to understand why he did what he did. Probably because he's an idiot would be my guess.
The sooner you treat him like a stranger the better you'll feel. Polite, distant and not involved is what works here
'i feel so so hurt and let down by what he did'
OP, this is a perfectly rational, normal and understandable response in your situation. Please don't rush to 'move on' - your feelings are there for a reason and they can't just be brushed under the carpet. You are allowed to feel all the things you feel.
I would highly recommend counselling to work through your feelings, process them and feel calmer and more in control of the situation. You can 'move on' from feeling this way but it will take time - it's not like flicking a switch, so be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to grieve. I don't have any book recommendations I'm afraid but I'm sure someone else will be along soon with ideas.
You don't need to forget what he did.
You need to accept it.
There's no excusing it or explaining.
And he's right, this is just who is is. He's not a good person and that's OK. He's not in your life any more.
All you need to be towards him is civil.
There is nothing wrong with you. Repeat. Nothing. Six months on from being punched in the emotional stomach ... it might as well have happened yesterday. So go easy on yourself. It can take YEARS to get past a shock like that. You are allowed to be angry, hurt and bitter for as long as you like
It's a lot easier to forgive someone when they are out of your face. So I suggest you go a strict no contact with this nasty lying little shit for as long as it takes for you to get your peace of mind back. You don't have to get on with him for the sake of you DS at all. All you have to do is facilitate any visits and that can be done with a short text or e-mail... no faking friendship required. He's not your friend.
I really hope your parents didn't believe the crap he told them.
I forgot to say in my post that we are now sort of civil but this was after weeks of us being really difficult with each other... in the end i got a friend to speak to him to tell him I wanted to draw a line and start again as parents for our sons sake... after my friend spoke to him he told me she said so many good things, said she was so reasonable etc.. i found out she'd been a lot "nicer" to him than i would have liked her to be... she didnt say he was wrong to do what he did.. she was really overly sympathetic to him saying that he must have had reasons to do what he did, it must have been so hard for him dealing with a partner suffering pnd etc.. so i basically feel that she was way too nice to him so ive now back peddled and gone from being civil to him to now being difficult again as I dont want him thinking that what he did was ok...
I fear that, as women, we are expected to be forgiving, to be the ones who put our own feelings aside, 'for the greater good' - and I don't think this is always a good thing.
Your feelings are entirely valid, and you have every right to be feeling angry, given how he has behaved. Cogito's advice seems spot on, to me. Be kind to yourself, look after yourself.
'I fear that, as women, we are expected to be forgiving, to be the ones who put our own feelings aside, 'for the greater good' - and I don't think this is always a good thing.'
So true. And it's not a good thing at all. And you don't have to do it.
Were you married? Do you have a formal contact agreement? Does he pay maintenance?
Cogitoergo... we weren't married. He pays maintenance. No formal agreement but he sends me an email every 3 months of days he would like him and I agree... so its ok but I just hate seeing him after everything.. wish I never had to see him again.. im worried that if i dont deal with these issues what will happen when my child is in school... after school plays/sports days/birthdays... surely we need to be able to sit together for school plays ? and birthdays.... surely our child deserves his mum and his dad in same room for his birthday party? No idea how i'll ever be able to do this though!!
There are no 'issues' to deal with here. There is just you and someone who has treated you extraordinarily badly. Things have to run their course.
Eventually, one day in the distant future when things are not so raw and you're not hurting and upset from being shat on from a great height.... then ... maybe... you can sit in the same room as him. But your DC will gain nothing positive from watching you go through more upset in an effort to be buddies with Dad. Your DS is a baby. If he grows up with you in two separate households, he'll treat that as 100% normal.
One day at a time, one event at a time, that's how. You can make sure you have friends or family with you at the dc's parties, so you don't have to be alone with him - and you can just be distantly polite when you do speak to him.
Re. school plays - maybe there will be two showings - there often are - so you can go to one and he to the other. That way, not only do you not have to sit with him, but your dc has someone in the audience, applauding them both times.
Thanks everyone xx I've googled books but cant seem to find any? Does anyone have any suggestions pls?
Rebuild your life on your terms, independent from him. Find fulfilling things to do. Improve yourself. Boost your confidence and self-esteem. Once you are properly happy in your skin you can decide who to allow into your new life.
Your child is just a baby and all he really needs is you, his lovely mum, smiling and happy. He doesn't really care about absent Dad yet...
I've done a quick search on Amazon - I clicked Books, then Body, Mind and Spirit in the drop down guide, and finally Self Help (apologies if you have already done this), and found lots to choose from - a few stood out, but as I am not inside your skin, I might be completely off target with these.
How To Be Happy.
Instant Confidence by Paul McKenna - might help when you have to be in the same place as your ex.
Don't Sweat The Small Stuff.
Your friend probably massaged his ego to get him to be civil to you.
You don't need to forgive him, or even be friendly with him, to be civil. You need to detach. He should be of no importance to you. Every thought with anger that you dedicate to him is a victory you give him for his behaviour. Indiference is the best victory for you.
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