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Not sure what to do (sorry long)

(7 Posts)
sally292 Wed 26-Feb-14 11:12:21

This is my second marriage - my first was when I was only 20 and only lasted a couple of years (no children) It ended due to an affair on my Ex's part.

I have now been married to 2nd dh for 12 years (together for 20 years) - I have always told him I would never forgive an affair. A few months ago I found some very explicit texts on his phone (He had been acting suspiciously with it so I looked) I also checked his computer and found he had signed up to some dating/affair websites - looking at his emails he also did this several years ago when the children were much smaller. I genuinely don't think he has actually acted on any of these (I can't see when he would have had chance) - He says he was just looking around - I have pointed out that if he was happy here, then he wouldn't need to do that.

We seem to have worked our way through it in that typical lets just no speak about it and pretend it hasn't happened !! - Terrible I know.

However I still feel really shaky in the relationship - I can't shake the feeling that it is only a matter of time before he does act on it and I get traded in for a younger model. I have had a couple of health issues (nothing major just high BP and some symptoms suggestive of peri-menopause) I'm awaiting some blood tests, but I think that has thrown things more into focus.

I have had a significant depressive episode in the past (following an ectopic pregnancy) and I can feel myself sliding down again - I'm not sure how much is hormones (defiantly much worse pre-menstrually) and how much is due to the situation at home.

He has always had a high sex drive - regularly watches porn and mastubates, I've never been bothered too much by him doing that as we still had a good sex life - but that seems to have declined too - I just can't see the point anymore.

I'm due to see the GP in a couple of weeks re the BP and I want to discuss the mood swings too.

Dh works long hours, and I run the business from home, so I don't have much contact with other people, we relocated here a few years ago for his job and I have struggled to make friends. He does very little round the house - I do cooking, cleaning, gardening, DIY, childcare, and run the business. So I do resent how little he helps and to be honest at the moment, I just can't see the point - I just want to tell him to pack a bag and leave.

At the moment the main thing which is stopping me is how devasted the children would be and the stigma of being twice divorced.

Thanks for reading this far


GeordieJellybean Wed 26-Feb-14 11:16:33

I know it's going to be difficult but I really think you need to have a big, long talk with your DH. If this gets left, it's only going to snowball and won't be good for either of you.

Fleminggot Wed 26-Feb-14 20:33:37

I really think you need to talk too, lay your cards on the table. You deserve happiness and to feel comfortable with your oh x

HowLongIsTooLong Wed 26-Feb-14 23:40:43

I think mood swings may be a pretty normal response given your difficult, conflicted situation. Reading between the lines, perhaps counselling/therapy might help you to figure out what is really going on for you and what you want out of your current (any?) relationship and what you think is acceptable behaviour. Your fear that your DH may trade you in for a younger model suggests you are suffering from low self-esteem - which might have been exacerbated by your situation. I have been in a similar situation - moved overseas due to DH´s work, felt very isolated, husband working all hours and very lazy in the home plus the added bonus of him apparently having his head turned by local beauties (though he did not act upon it he was not sensitive enough to hide his attraction, which left me feeling like total shit, second-best etc.) I had to do a lot of work on my self to find out why I was feeling so depressed (though it should have been obvious, huh?!) and eventually left him. He really affected my self-worth and ground me down - it really was the best decision. Good luck.

moonriverandme Wed 26-Feb-14 23:58:12

I think you need to have a long talk with your husband, you can't brush it under the carpet or it will keep eating away at you. I am not surprised your self esteem is low, this is awful for you and I am sorry you are going through this.. I hope you manage to resolve your health problems too.

Deathwatchbeetle Thu 27-Feb-14 17:45:16

Just looking around??? Charming. Would he mind very much if you 'road tested' a few young fit men???

captainmummy Thu 27-Feb-14 18:08:30

'stigma of being twice divorced'??? What stigma? And whose business is it anyway? You can chuck that idea, straight away. There is no Stigma.

Def get counselling. You seem stuck in a relationship that is very one-sided, and you sound very isolated.

I would want to join a few dating sites, just to look around! Leave your webpages open for his 'accidental' perusal...

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