Hello
Ok so as the name suggests, I'm riddled with guilt right now. I know most parents feel guilty a lot of the time for things which are usually out of their control, but recently, I just feel overwhelmed with it and here's why....
I was with my dd's (7) dad for almost a decade. We were never married and looking back, even though we were engaged, I knew we never would actually end up tying the knot. We loved each other and in some ways still do, but I was never really in love and we just weren't right for one another. I should have walked away years a go, but I became pregnant quite early on in our relationship and because the love was still there, I carried on working at it, convincing myself that my feelings were normal and that I should just accept them and continue the relationship.
A couple of years a go, I realised that my bisexuality was coming to the surface. I became interested in a woman and eventually, me and my ex broke up. I didn't have an affair. I left because I knew these feelings were developing and I couldn't fight them. I'm a strong believer in fidelity and there's no way I could of cheated on him. I spent some time alone, but then eventually, the woman I became interested in, confessed the feeling way mutual and we are now together and have been for a year. We now live together with my dd, who adores my gf and still has a good relationship with her dad and sees him a lot.
Unfortunately, I fear I've been quite naive as to how my dd has coped with the break up. In the beginning, of course she struggled when I explained to her that mummy and daddy were no longer together, but she seemed to cope and adapt quite quickly. After a couple of months, we all just got on with the new routine and outwardly dd seemed happy. Recently though, she seems very confused and I'm starting to detect resentment.
This morning, when I dropped her off at school, she asked me why I didn't marry daddy, like xyz or her friends parents and my sister and her husband.........didn't I love daddy etc. I was bombarded with questions and I didn't know where to start. I explained that me and daddy loved each other when we had her and that we'll always care about each other, to which she replied "then why can't you live together and get married then?" I was genuinely really surprised because she's seemed very happy living with me and my gf and has a very good relationship with her dad, who we never bad mouth or anything. She then started asking why I was with a lady and not a man. I have tried to explain same sex relationships to her and I knew that it was something she'd need to gradually process in her own time, but she seems more confused the more time goes on.
I genuinely don't know how to handle this. I already worry massively that she could potentially get bullied because her mum has a gf and not a bf or husband. It doesn't help that she has her own social issues. We're at the beginning of getting her assessed for possible ADD, or ASD, so she's already struggling to fit in. I can't help but feel immense guilt that I'm making her life even harder. It's not that I'm ashamed of who I am, but I suppose I have struggled coming to terms with my sexuality and actually, the more time goes on, the more I struggle. We don't exactly live in an open minded area and I don't know of any same sex parents in our village, so we do kind of stand out I think.
When she asked me why I couldn't just stay with her dad if I still cared about him, I felt terrible because I started to wonder if maybe I had been incredibly selfish and that I should have stayed with him. I know this feeling is silly really, as I know it's not really not healthy to just stay together for the children.
Any advice? I just don't know what to do or say. It's so important I get it right. She's at such a delicate age.
Sorry for the length.
Thank you
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Heartbreaking question "why did you have me if you don't love daddy"? How to respond.
21 replies
foreverguilty · 26/02/2014 10:53
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