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Just a gut feeling...

(66 Posts)
Bettercallsaul83 Tue 25-Feb-14 18:56:29

That he lies about more than I've found out.

That he wants to live the single life.

He thinks I'm bloody stupid.

He deflects every argument back at me to blame me and take the focus off him.

I'm fed up, feel a fool for giving things up but I've tried and it's just getting silly now, always an issue, he always denies he's done anything wrong.. say's it's me with the problem.

Bettercallsaul83 Tue 25-Feb-14 19:01:27

Last month I found out he'd look at (not registered) on POF, 2 days in a row he went on and browsed local women. I looked at his iPad when he was out, as in the argument he screamed at me that he'd "been on dating sites anyway and lined up the next one". I didn't want him to deny it later so I looked and found the proof.

Since then I feel ugly, insecure, jealous and just like he thinks he can do better.

We've had countless big arguments where he's shouted abusive names and comments at me, over the last 5yrs. He's started saying things about my family now and that they hate me.

He lies by omission and thinks that it's okay, that it doesn't corrode the little trust I have in him.

The funny thing is, I don't think he's cheated or anything, I'm fairly sure of it.. but the manipulation and lack of respect has driven a massive wedge between us and I don't think it's going to ever get any better, so what's the point anymore?

Anniegetyourgun Tue 25-Feb-14 19:02:26

OK, let me turn that back on you: what do you think is the point any more? Is there one?

HelloBoys Tue 25-Feb-14 19:03:48

There's red flags popping up all over the place here for me.

LilyBlossom14 Tue 25-Feb-14 19:04:00

Why are you with him - he sounds horrid. Regardless of whether he has cheated he abuses you and treats you like utter crap. You can do so much better and you deserve so much more.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Tue 25-Feb-14 19:05:02

Any DCs Better?

Bettercallsaul83 Tue 25-Feb-14 19:12:28

I don't know why I put up with it, maybe I am worried I'll never meet anyone better? I'm 30 and feel almost too old to start again (stupid I know).

We rent and I'd have to leave as he's previously refused to.

When he's nice we get on great, although he's quite anti-social and this has been an issue for me.. he's secretive and jealous.

I can't deal with living like this and not having an adult conversation about things. It just turns into him going on about me and not discussing the real issues.

He lied tonight about where he was, he text to say he was leaving somewhere (5-10 mins drive), He got home 40 mins later, I asked what happened, he said he stayed to look at something, sorry. So I said, well I was worried, you could have let me know, he said he was very sorry.

The thing is, I was worried, so I tried to call him, twice. 10 mins apart and phone was engaged.. fairly sure he would be on the phone to his mum, he's secretive about it for some odd reason. But he didn't say anything.

When I told him I tried to call and it was engaged, he said oh yes I rang mum quickly when I was at the garage filling up. Garage is round the corner, he never rings her from home.

He went for a shower, I check his call log.

There was no way he had time to look at what he said had caused the delay, and no way he'd have time to fill up. So he's lied.

I confronted him, he's said I shouldn't have looked (maybe so!), but I don't trust him anymore and this isn't the first time he's lied about his mum (wtf?), so what else has he lied about?

He says he didn't lie at all and I'm being stupid, he can do what he likes, I can't tell him what to do, who to see etc etc..

He doesn't get it. I am in no way controlling, always have encouraged a good relationship with his mum, his friend. Whereas he has always tried to control me.

There is no reason for him to lie to me, none at all, but he will say it's because I wouldn't have liked it, despite me never having any issues with his mum, or any of the other shit he throws at me.

God, I'm boring myself writing it all down. Sorry. I'm just sick of it and have an awful feeling in my stomach that there is a lot more I don't know about.

Bettercallsaul83 Tue 25-Feb-14 19:12:57

No children, and we rent, we aren't married either.

AnyFuckerHQ Tue 25-Feb-14 19:15:09

Just step away. Dead horse being flogged here.

You have no DC and no mortgage to tie you together

Just leave before you put up with another 5 years of this shit

Jengnr Tue 25-Feb-14 19:15:46

Tell him to fuck off and leave him.

chateauferret Tue 25-Feb-14 19:17:22

He sounds like a monumental twat. Pull the plug.

Bettercallsaul83 Tue 25-Feb-14 19:18:59

I'm worried because I've always been strong, but since the POF thing, I've lost something in me, I lost my faith in him and any trust that was left.

I feel like "is this it?" type of feeling.

It could have been so good, but I think he's very damaged emotionally and I'm suffering because of it.

Many times I've told him to fuck off and I've stood my ground so much, today I just came upstairs to the echo of "I'm not a liar, you're the one who can't be trust, going through my things, EVERYTHING will have a lock on it now, I don't trust you at all".

Me? Yes, that's right folks.. I'm the untrustworthy one apparently. hmm

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Tue 25-Feb-14 19:19:09

This will be your life forever - until he finds someone less willing to quiz him - unless you wise up and leave. You are only 30 ffs. Hardly on the shelf.

plutarch14 Tue 25-Feb-14 19:19:24

Just dump him. Doesn't sound like he is bothered about you at all. If you had kids, my opinion would be more nuanced. But no marriage, no kids - no hassle. Just ditch.

Hassled Tue 25-Feb-14 19:22:43

30 is young - you have so much time to start afresh. And even if you're right (which you're not) - wouldn't it be better to live a good life alone than together with this massive, irritating, wanker? There are decent, normal, thoughtful men out there, I promise.

whattodoforthebest2 Tue 25-Feb-14 19:23:21

You're only 30, OP. Why waste any more time with this horrible person? Find yourself somewhere else to live and go. What on earth do you get from this? This sounds like a miserable 'partnership'.

MadBusLady Tue 25-Feb-14 19:24:35

Seriously, this sounds like a complete no-brainer from the outside. Who gives a toss what this inadequate thinks about trust, he doesn't know the meaning of the word.

"It could have been so good" but it isn't, is it. And I think society is over-ready to ascribe to "emotional problems" what is in fact pure dickheadishness. Just dump the nasty loser already.

RandomMess Tue 25-Feb-14 19:26:19

Blimey just leave, He is not worth any of it.

TheOrchardKeeper Tue 25-Feb-14 19:30:28

You know it's shit.

Just leave. It won't get better.

You say you feel too old to start again now? Well you will leave eventually, or he will. Why waste anymore time on an unhealthy, shit relationship that makes you feel like shit when you could be alone or with someone else, and not have to put up with this shit or feel down on yourself.

Seriously, just leave.

Bettercallsaul83 Tue 25-Feb-14 19:32:55

I know I need to leave, I've got to do it.. this isn't right.

I was with my ex for longer and although we grew apart and it didn't work out, he wasn't abusive or jealous, so I know it's not normal to be like this.

Him acting like he's done nothing wrong pisses me off most, he getting ready to go out by the sounds of it and I couldn't even give a shit really.

So tired of it all, he just seems so fake all the time.. his mask is slipping more and more often nowdays.

FreakinAllAboutSugar Tue 25-Feb-14 19:45:56

Excellent, you can tell him as he leaves not to bother coming back!

Bettercallsaul83 Tue 25-Feb-14 19:56:15

He's gone out, left all the lights on and the tv.. so I've gone and turned them all off.

How odd.. thing is, I'm past caring.

No doubt he's trying to scare me into seeing what it's like without him, but I've lived alone and I'm more than capable.

Mid life crisis I think, he's 37.

Bettercallsaul83 Tue 25-Feb-14 19:58:12

I just ignored him and stayed in my office, I'm not giving in to his attention seeking.

whattodoforthebest2 Tue 25-Feb-14 20:03:35

So great, you have an evening to yourself - start looking on rightmove/gumtree/wherever for somewhere new and lovely that you can call your own home. Tell him about it when you're ready to go.

AGlassHalfEmptyNoLonger Tue 25-Feb-14 20:05:09

Bettercallsaul83. I split with my ex (ds's dad) when I was 23. I had a couple of friends with benefits but never more until Sept 2012, when I went to the pub to meet up with a group who I share an interest in. Had gone several times before, but this time there was someone else there who shared the same interest. A 20 minute chat that night led to 18 months of fun so far, and still going strong smile. I know people much older than me who have done similar, so you are not on the shelf at all.

"Since then I feel ugly, insecure, jealous and just like he thinks he can do better" Has he ever said anything to you to make you feel this? Ever put you down, made sly comments or comments to others when you aren't meant to be listening?

Think about what you want and where you want to go, and then think about if you see him alongside you as you do so, or behind you trying to hold you back. I think you've already come to a decision, but hopefully this will help.

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