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Have met my soul mate does money matter?

(173 Posts)
Shybairns Tue 25-Feb-14 18:10:41

Am recently divorced with 2 DCs and am lucky enough to have already met an amazing man. We have been a couple for 5 months now and I can't believe the amazing connection we have. I can honestly say we are soul mates. He and I are so well matched.

So what's the issue?

The reason I am writing is that due to many circumstances which were beyond his control (at the age of 43) he is only just starting out in his career.

He got his degree in Computer Programming in 2009 and is employed as a junior programmer.

I have always had plenty of money. My Dad earned well and we had a very comfortable life. My ex h earned a lot and money was not a worry for us at all.

My bf earns only £21,000. He says that he has more money now than he has ever had his whole life. And I am proud of him for getting to this point. However he earns so little that saving is virtually impossible and the treats that I had previously taken for granted are out of his range/

This is all fine. Its a new relationship.

Thing is we are so in love we are already talking of when we'll move in together and how amazing our future will be together.

He says his career is only in its infancy and that he will work hard to climb the ladder and earn more.
Is he deluding himself? Can a man of his age (43) really compete with younger men for jobs?

Will his lack of money one day make me feel negatively about him? I really don't want it too. I hate to think that money issues could ruin what should be a wonderful partnership.

By the way I don't want to be dependent on him financially and I do plan to work hard on my career and support myself and my kids.
Though I am currently not working and trying to start a new career.

Am I being silly? Or do you see trouble ahead? Hard when you don't know me but hopefully I've told you enough...

AmazingJumper Tue 25-Feb-14 18:13:28

So he has a job and you are currently not working? Sounds like it should be him posting your question not you.

MyNameIsKenAdams Tue 25-Feb-14 18:15:13

Tbh I think you are being silly. I earn what you OH does and my own DH earns a third less.

We own our home, pay childcare, manage to eat well, have a little holiday each year, can run a car.

I really think it is smallminded of you to judge his "lowly" income. In fact, if you came on here to say it was the other way round and you "only" earned 21k and your OH was debating the relationship based on this, he would be ripped apart.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Feb-14 18:15:33

If it's already making you feel negatively towards him then it's an issue. If your ambition is for a particular lifestyle, you can't afford it and he can't provide it then it's a legitimate sticking point. Soul-mates tend to look far less wonderful when you're scratching to pay the phone-bill or feeling jealous that Doris next door is on a cruise and you're not...

MyNameIsKenAdams Tue 25-Feb-14 18:15:36

Just spotted you earn 0.

Nice, OP.

LaurieFairyCake Tue 25-Feb-14 18:16:35

It's the attitude to money that's important and he is clearly trying to please you. I'd be interested in what he was doing before and why he had no savings before - he did work right?

And you're just starting out too with trying a career - you're no spring chicken either !

In general focus on what you can contribute.

Notify Tue 25-Feb-14 18:18:01

I think if youre thinking about it like this then yes it is going to be a problem for you but mostly i agree with jumper.

All your life youve been used to "treats" earned by other people?

dashoflime Tue 25-Feb-14 18:18:20

Hi OP,

£21,000 is not a small amount of money as far as I'm concerned.

It also sounds like your at a similar stage in your own career- just starting out in something new.

Its good your thinking all these things through.

I think, if he genuinely is your soul mate- you will make it work. It may be less than your used to but it is possible to live on and have a nice life. Budgeting is a skill you can learn.

However- it is very early days and you are quite recently divorced so maybe take things slowly?

AgentProvocateur Tue 25-Feb-14 18:18:34

Agree with amazingjumper. "I have met a woman who isn't working and has no career, who has previously been supported by her ex husband and her daddy. I've only known her five months and now she's talking about me moving in with her and her two kids, who I hardly know. Is she just interested in me because I have a good career and potential earning power?" hmm

BearsInMotion Tue 25-Feb-14 18:18:36

Why do you think he won't be able to start a new career if you can? Why don't you aim to be the primary wage earner and provide your own treats? It does seem odd to worry about what he will earn rather than your joint income...

plutarch14 Tue 25-Feb-14 18:19:17

Just concentrate on making enough yourself to fund the kind of lifestyle you want. It's so much simpler than trying to predict whether someone else will.

As far as I can see, he is making more than you atm, looks like you need to catch up...

Procrastinating Tue 25-Feb-14 18:19:34

It sounds like you are in similar positions to me, both starting out. That might be a good thing if you can see it that way.

A computer programmer isn't likely to earn a fortune these days, whatever age he is.

Shybairns Tue 25-Feb-14 18:23:21

Thanks everyone. I needed to be told. I agree that I should focus on what I can provide for myself.

I am scared about stepping up to the plate and providing for myself. Its very new to me. But I am determined to do it.

Will be sure to lay of any comments to him about his earning capacity and current situation.

Thanks again,

Anniegetyourgun Tue 25-Feb-14 18:23:35

OP says she is trying to start a new career; that suggests to me she used to have one and is now starting again. Likewise the implication here is that the OH has retrained for a change of direction, which in itself is not necessarily anything to worry about (though it may be!)

Wait though, putting the money issue aside for now: you've been dating for 5 months, you have kids, and you're already talking about moving in together? Hold your horses, both of you. Get to actually know each other first.

Shybairns Tue 25-Feb-14 18:25:30

We wouldn't move in together till at least next year. Want lots of time to really get to know one another first.

Botanicbaby Tue 25-Feb-14 18:28:06

"I have always had plenty of money. My Dad earned well and we had a very comfortable life. My ex h earned a lot and money was not a worry for us at all."

So you're used to having plenty of money at your disposal, earned by others rather than yourself?

You're trying to start a new career and currently do not earn?

Yet you're posting about him being 43 and 'only' earning £21,000 and asking us if his lack of money will 'make you feel negatively about him in the future'?

Beggars belief OP. Have a word with yourself!

plutarch14 Tue 25-Feb-14 18:28:33

Providing for oneself is easy and much less risky than relying on others. Good luck!

Cabrinha Tue 25-Feb-14 18:32:04

He earns more than my boyfriend of 6 months.
Not an issue to me, I support myself thank you very much, and my child.
I could believe it when you said you weren't working at the moment!
I think you should be realistic, if treats are so important to you, don't put the poor guy through you resenting him.
It's just a bit distasteful that you could resent someone for not earning enough when they earn more than you.

MyNameIsKenAdams Tue 25-Feb-14 18:34:03

If providing for yourself is a new concept to you then you have a damn cheek criticising this man who, it seems, is perfectly capable of providing for himself.

TypicaLibra Tue 25-Feb-14 18:38:57

Agree with BotanicBaby 100 %. Why on earth should you look down on him? He's the one who should be worried!

baconpie Tue 25-Feb-14 18:39:47

Personally money was an issue for me when getting together with a new partner. I think when you have children already things can get very complicated so I wouldn't have wanted to settle down with anyone who couldn't afford to support us if it became necessary. If he moves in with you, his income would be taken into account for everything from tax credits, top up benefits and student funding - it makes no difference whether he is their biological father or whether you get any maintenance for your own children. If you are not able to find work or if you need to take time to retrain, you could find yourself dependent on his salary and it wouldn't go far for a family of four, at least here where we live.

I lost all my child tax credits and child benefit, for example, when I moved in with DH, although they aren't his children. I am not working right now as I'm a full-time student (with my funding reduced as DH's salary is taken into account), so mine and the dc's expenses have to be met from his salary. DH has no issues with this, he knew it was part of the deal when we got married, but I expect that if his wage was lower, he would find it much harder to adjust to being the family breadwinner and to have to give up things that he'd easily afford if he was just a single man.

Of course, this may not be an issue for you if you have a good divorce settlement and maintenance for your dc's. Sounds like your exh is able to provide well for the dc from his wage, but of course that doesn't mean he will want to.

I also agree with the comments about taking time to let the relationship develop. Five months is no time at all, especially if you've recently come out of a long marriage. I didn't marry DH until we'd been together for six years, and that made our relationship much stronger when we finally made the commitment.

chandlery Tue 25-Feb-14 18:43:38

Essentially it sounds like the problem is he earns less than your dad and your ex.

Fwiw OP I do see your concerns, if you're both used to very different lifestyles then it can be difficult to adjust "up/down" . If he is your soulmate though then you obviously feel like he's worth it. He sounds ambitious anyway.

It'll take a bit of work on both sides though.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Tue 25-Feb-14 18:52:13

I think he should be thinking whether you are right for him. You don't work. You have clearly been spoilt all your life and if you are questioning whether money will come between you then it is money that is more important than your feelings.

And at your age "you needed to be told"? hmm

Logg1e Tue 25-Feb-14 18:53:04

chandlery Fwiw OP I do see your concerns, if you're both used to very different lifestyles then it can be difficult to adjust "up/down"

Really? Even though her lifestyle was funded by others?

I can't believe you could have this perspective OP and type what you actually typed.

Viviennemary Tue 25-Feb-14 19:00:40

It's a bit ironic that you are writing off his �21,000 whilst your earnings are zero. If you are used to a luxurious lifestyle that certainly won't be possible on �21,000 a year for a family. Do you think your lack of money and earnings are making him feel negative about you.

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