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its been a week and he hasnt stopped texting/calling, I feel guilty and like I need help!

(17 Posts)
creativeme Tue 25-Feb-14 15:17:53

Thank you everyone for helping me last time with my post about my ex partner, the doctor who was studying to be a GP but was on anti depressants and we had a volatile relationship.
Since leaving him 2 weekends ago, and seeing texts from other women, I thought I was doing ok, but what happened the next week wasnt a nice feeling.
He is due for an operation on 7th march re his diverticulitis which means he will be off work for 2 months or thereabouts. There is part of me, that wants to send him a card saying get well soon from me and the family, but after what he said on the phone last week I think its not a good idea. nor does he deserve it.

He has been texting he is sorry, misses me, still loves and cares for me, can we talk please, calls me twice a day and nothing from me. Last Saturday daytime he calls me while I was in the car as I didnt see his name come up, he says happy birthday even though its tomorrow, and he knows it is... and asks about my dad as he has just come out of his operation for his knee and isnt in a good way, only for him to ask more detail which I wasnt going to...knowing he is a doctor. I feel angry and was very off with him on the phone which he picked up on straight away. we only dated a year and a half but felt longer due to what we had been through.

He then says he will text me later, only for me to say why? whats the point, he wants to talk and I ask again why? he says it doesnt matter now...I say look you didnt respect me, called me a whore and C repeatedly when we argued and I felt you were verbally abusing me most of the time which resulted in me getting hurt, I am going through alot with dad, I have work courses and dont need this additional pressure from you as you have upset me too much now. To which he replied well I didnt like where the relationship was going, hence why I called you those names ...!!! I say to him, my parents have asked him to leave me alone now, as he is being rude and demanding his way and doesnt quite get that calling me a whore is wrong or any names, total lack of respect to which he replies go and f**ng live with your parents then, I am surprised you havent shagged some other guy by now???? (can this man be anymore disrespectful towards me, is it the way I am being that makes him this way with me?)

To which he slams the phone down on me.....

Of course after this I am fuming and upset....I decide now to block his number from my mobile so I dont get his texts or calls anymore as well as wattsapp too.

However I was ok last week, this week its a different story after talking to him on the phone. I feel like I have lost my confidence, my self esteem and that I am not focusing even though I have a good job, friends, family and health too.

He has had to go back on anti depressants he tells me, and as his brother committed suicide 20 years ago, and his dad is on anti depressants too, I am not sure if this side of him is more serious in terms of another condition, as it scares me. Unpredictability, anger, aggressive behaviour, need to be needed then cold/distant, stressed because of his job, took drugs MDMA at Christmas with friends and thinks its ok/funny and winds me up with it. Then you get the "you wont visit me in hospital, you wont be able to handle it !"

This man has made me feel wrecked, our sex life became non existent unless I was quiet, or submissive perhaps or even upset, more so after an arguement, he wanted that passion.....I feel like i need counselling after him, and just thinking how did I attract this person, was it me? do I have that low self esteem maybe, how do I build it back up again?

What are these men? none of my exes were like this!!

He qualifies to be a GP in 2015 middle of that year, he was saying ah you will still be studying while I wil be finished then....its like some competition, I get a new car last month, he then says he will get the new version of my car...am I thinking he just likes a reaction all the time?? or to wind me up? or just immature....?

I hope he doesnt contact me again he still has my front door key....and I still have his bike, I am moving house soon too...he wont know where I am living, which is good!!

sorry rant over, I hope things get better soon, after a year, I hope its not another year to recover??

thanks for reading
xx

CailinDana Tue 25-Feb-14 15:28:09

He sounds like an abusive prick. It was just bad luck that you met him and it says a lot more about you that you have managed to get away from him. He has fucked with your head. It's no wonder you feel all turned upside down.

You will recover, in time.

How are you at the moment?

Melonbreath Tue 25-Feb-14 15:28:12

Things will get better. You are best off out of it. This man is a piece of work, emotionally blackmailing, abusive, controlling, rude.
Think of the person you can become now, and the person you'd have ended up staying with him. Anyone with a grain of sanity will choose the former.
Don't send him a get well card, change your lock, and refuse to engage with him over anything

creativeme Tue 25-Feb-14 15:33:43

CailinDana, thank you....he does I am sure I can come up with worse words there. I had to get away I was becoming a wreck and also emotionally volatile and somewhat not in control of my emotions, crying and I am sure he abused this more knowing I was somewhat dependent on this and he would have cheated in the end because of my self worth...however I was starting to go out more without him.

I feel slightly lost, thank you for asking, like I am not quite focused on things I should be, blaming myself, feel worthless....
I am joining a few social groups this weekend which will help and take my thoughts of lonliness away from him and get me out...i hope this helps....thank you...

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Feb-14 15:35:16

Glad you've blocked him. Change that front door lock and put the bike outside. Be strong on the no contact because every day that goes by without you listening to his crap, is a day you'll feel better about yourself. His behaviour incidentally is verging on stalker-like. If you tell him to stop contacting you and he keeps it up then talk to the police.

BTW The thought of someone this unstable being a GP & in charge of someone else's wellbeing is ever so slightly scary ... confused

Dirtybadger Tue 25-Feb-14 15:35:25

He sounds horrible/a right prick. And yes immature. Interesting that is it an insult for you to have slept with someone (you're single) but no problem (from his perspective) to have been contacting other women whilst with you.
Bastard.

creativeme Tue 25-Feb-14 15:41:16

It is worrying he is a GP or getting that way, when there were a few things I thought were wrong with me, clearly he got them wrong,even more worrying....
I am made to feel cheap, but clearly what he is doing he doesnt think he is cheap or doing anything wrong in his eyes. I didnt mention as well that he ended up getting genital warts within the last 6 months of our relationship and blamed me, would you believe I have never had any, been tested and realised it was something he had to deal with not me.
This has had such a huge impact on me, I feel like my judgement in relationships is completely off the radar now....and made me not want to be with anyone for quite some time, which is a shame as I really want to get out there again....

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Feb-14 15:45:33

It's pretty normal to want to swear off men for a while if you've had a bad experience. Also pretty sensible to rebuild your self-confidence, regain some balance and start trusting your judgement again. It's unlike to be off the radar but, if you've had a particularly bad experience, the next man that is anything approaching normal will seem like saint by comparison.

I point a lot of people to this article which I think has some excellent advice on the innocent-looking early warning signs in potential partners that can often turn into abusive or controlling behaviour.

Live and learn?

maras2 Tue 25-Feb-14 16:18:16

Christ , what a vile man . I hope that he never pitches up at my or any of my family's GP's. You must go complete NC . Good luck and well done for ditching him.

creativeme Tue 25-Feb-14 17:51:28

You know vile is a good word, he never use to be that bad, he has in fact got worse over the case of the last few months, I found that he is somewhat threatened by myself in some ways, when I had the new car, people looking at me, he asked does this happen all the time? and then started staring at me in such a weird way almost creeping me out in some way....very odd man, but I think everyday things will become easier for me, well I hope so!!! thank you everyone for your help its made me think so differently and see myself differently too!!

irrationalme Tue 25-Feb-14 18:17:47

Look on the bright side, you are well rid. Accusing you of sleeping with someone else is probably a dose of projection, he's talking about himself.

creativeme Tue 25-Feb-14 19:19:07

yeah it wouldnt surprise me if he has had a few on the go ready for him to sleep with, however he has had warts over the last few months so I am sure what goes around comes around...actually come to think of it, makes me feel quite sick!!

Tinks42 Tue 25-Feb-14 19:26:46

OP, the minute a man called me a cunt or a whore would be the minute I never spoke to him again.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Tue 25-Feb-14 19:36:56

I think what you are going through is normal. It's human. He has done a good job on you that is all. I too am concerned that he is planning on becoming a GP. You must stay detached but it may be interesting for you to follow his career from a background position) as I doubt it will last long and you may feel a little vindicated?
For him to be jealous of you getting a new car, rather than proud, means he is a man child. A petulant pouting stamping toddler in a mans body. An emotional pygmy. I have met a few of these and they do often put on a totally different persona until the strain of covering the real personality becomes too much. When women say things like 'He can be so nice and/or he is great with the DCs' I think this is him trying on the nice personality but the truth always breaks through long term.
He doesn't deserve anything from you but I would watch for potentially stalkerish behaviour. He sounds desperately weird to me and you should protect yourself.

creativeme Tue 25-Feb-14 20:52:11

I will take your advice on board re any name calling again from anyone and know that isnt normal behaviour, I have never encountered that before. You are all right I must stay detached and cut all contact, everything is blocked now including watsapp, his mobile number, facebook too. Everything I can think of so he cant get to me or see what I am doing, because he use to look at my facebook page all the time, to even googling me, my name and anything else he wanted, so I never know with him...I will get the locks changed when I move house, but all locks are double locked and he only has the one lock so cant get to me anymore....luckily!! Something very odd about him and havent ever encountered this. I doubt it will last long re his career either, whether he passes is another story, we will see....his xbox came first alot of the times and just googling anything he wanted, when he should be studying..but thats not my issue anymore, its just damaged me and glad I didnt move in with him next month....I will focus on getting my own place, he doesnt need to know where and leave his bike at my parents house, he can guess where it is, I still dont want any contact no matter what.....
I am learning....slowly....smile

Meerka Wed 26-Feb-14 07:49:59

You're strong.

An awful lot of women would have taken him back after these vile names, partly becuase it's clear that he was already starting to break you down emotionally and behaviourally. He sounds an angry, disturbed man and (maybe im guessing too far but the competition over car and studying sounds odd) one drawn to strong independent women with an agenda to break them down.

So no, creativeme, it's not you. It's him. And you've done the really hard work in walking away from him - if you don't mind me saying, well done, because it sure can't have been easy.

Change your locks as soon as you can, no matter how soon you're moving. He sounds unpredicatable, a bit unstable and as if he's still thinking of you as 'his'. I'm glad you've managed to block him. If he does still contact you, tell him that you want no further contact and if he persists, you'll get the police involved.

About the emotional after-effects of this charmer of a ridiculous man, many people swear by the Freedom Technique. It could help?

Btw, not quite sure how to put this but I'll try. The word 'ridiculous' is one that seems to come back to me several times reading your posts, applying to him. Is it possible to step back and see his controlling, his competitiveness, his hate and sexual doublestandards as ridiculous and laughable? Just got an inkling that if that does happen to be possible, it'll put him into perspective - a pretty small specimen.

creativeme Thu 27-Feb-14 10:12:19

Thank you Meerka, I am finding it hard, it was my birthday yesterday but in all fairness everyone else ie friends and family really made the day special for me, so it felt somewhat different without him, but in a safe way if that makes sense. Luckily I had quite a bit of study going on so my mind is distracted somewhat. I think if I had read those messages, looked his his other messages if I hadnt blocked both I may have caved by now.

Everything is blocked apart from he still have my front door key which he needs to give back to me, he said he would but who knows! The locks are always double locked he wouldnt be able to get him with just his key if he tried....however he knows that he cant push it now and as for his bike, well thats being left at my parents and he can pick it up whenever he wants but I am not telling him about it.

Whats the freedom technique, is it something I go to or read up on, I have heard quite a few people mention this before on here and said the same thing, it worked for them! thank you....

I am starting to see it yes, more like the one word I would say is immaturity and many friends and family said this is about him too. Deep down I am sure he really wanted to hate me or did, more so he gives me my valentine presant and says "Not that you deserve it!" - well thats nice and reading my valentine cards to him, he says "these are a bit formal arent they?!" - not a thanks, these are lovely, nothing...and was suppose to cook me dinner that night....(ok wont go on again but the more I think about it the more it winds me up!). and he has the audacity to say everyone at work thinks he is funny, qwerky and great to work with?? - I am sure he portrays a different personality at work as his constant stupidty with comments that never make sense arent funny at all...

However Meerka I do love the way you think and have put this into a very good perspective, lol at least you have made me smile today thats for sure!!

thank you again...

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