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If it's for the best, why do I feel so miserable?

(13 Posts)
FreckledLeopard Tue 25-Feb-14 12:11:19

Apologies for a somewhat self-indulgent whine.

It's my birthday today. I'm 32. I've spent most of the past two days in tears and need a to get a grip.

I split up with my girlfriend at the weekend (perfect timing hmm) as fundamentally, the relationship wasn't working, there were too many issues and we had no future. I know that rationally it's for the best, but I'm so, so upset and sobbing all over the place.

It doesn't help that it's my birthday. My mother has forgotten, again. DD spent all her money shopping with her mates last week so no present there. I'm at work anyhow and feel like a shouldn't expect today to really be any different from any other day. It's not a significant birthday. But I guess I feel that my life should be more sorted at this age than it is. Instead I have another failed relationship and angst. Which is fine at 17, but not great at 32.

I miss my girlfriend. I love her. I can't stop thinking about her. But there is no future and I don't want to flog a dead horse and pursue something that has been making me miserable.

I just feel so adrift and am questioning everything - career, where I'm living, what I want from life. It would be so easy to get back together with ex and try and brush things under the carpet, but logically it's pointless. But why do I feel so damned miserable?

Offred Tue 25-Feb-14 12:15:10

Because breaking up is always tough even if it's right. You shouldn't view it as a failed relationship but success in leaving a relationship that is wrong. This an important life skill.

something2say Tue 25-Feb-14 12:18:10

First off....happy birthday!!!!!!

Second off.....how about some planning? What are you doing and why? There does have to be a point and it's ok to think it thro. Be aware that when you think things thro, you may conclude that they are not right for you or your relationship, and then you'll have to change. But you may end up somewhere better if you do this.

Allow grieving time.

And contact friends? It's your birthday after all, arrange something! And stuff your mother, does she often forget? Make your self important, don't let the way others treat you define how you treat yourself, make it the other way around.

FreckledLeopard Tue 25-Feb-14 12:32:50

My mother generally forgets (well, she seems to think DD's birthday is now, so DD will get a card and I won't). It's ok. She does have early onset dementia so I can kind of forgive for that, although she remembers her sister's birthday etc.

I'm seeing family tomorrow night and had some friends down at the weekend. I just don't feel as if I have anything to celebrate really - I'm getting older and my life is not sorted!

something2say Tue 25-Feb-14 12:35:14

In what way would you like it sorted?
Took me till my thirties too x

EllaFitzgerald Tue 25-Feb-14 12:57:54

Happy Birthday! cake thanks Can you do something lovely for yourself this evening? Takeaway? A good book? Whatever makes you feel happy.

Of course you feel upset about the split, it's only natural to grieve for the good bits and for what it could have been, but if it was making you miserable, it's not right to go back there.

And stop putting pressure on yourself to have an amazingly sorted life because you're in your thirties. If it's getting you down, then pick one thing to concentrate on at a time and work on that. Very few people are really sorted, even if it looks that way from the outside.

consumersucker Tue 25-Feb-14 13:04:09

OP, can I ask why you broke up? Are you 100% sure it was the right thing and was it mutual?

I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I completely understand why. I'm not far off your age and I have to remind myself that I'm still young sometimes. You need to do the same. Life isn't a race and people reach where they want to go at different times. Of course, it would be great if we all hit adulthood and immediately knew who we were, who we were supposed to be with, where we were going etc, but that just isn't life. We all know somebody who we think has had it like that and seems to be blissfully content, but nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Remember, you're only 32. You have plenty of time to figure things out and you will. Probably when you least expect it.

consumersucker Tue 25-Feb-14 13:10:48

Oh and Happy Birthday! smile

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 25-Feb-14 13:12:20

Happy birthday, OP.

I am sorry your relationship ended just ahead of your birthday. But what good does a relationship do, that brings you stress - whatever the cause of friction, if it's not working then no matter how much you once loved each other, it's time to step back, step out.

I know when we are low it seems like everyone else has their life mapped out and they get all the breaks. That's not necessarily because you are failing at something, it can just be plain dumb luck on their part.

Glad you are seeing family and friends this week.

FreckledLeopard Tue 25-Feb-14 13:27:13

Am I 100% sure it's the right decision? No, not really, because I love her. But I can't deal with the issues that she has (depression, smoking, drugs, sleeping pills, paranoia) and that there's no future in the relationship. I've been walking on egg-shells and am drained. I can't 'fix' her. But when things were good, it was amazing and I miss that and I miss her sad.

I know I need to stop comparing myself to other people and I do realise that a lot of people, whilst on paper have seemingly 'perfect' lives, do in fact have the same difficulties and miseries that everyone else does.

consumersucker Tue 25-Feb-14 14:07:09

OP, I can understand why you felt drained. Would you say the relationship was one sided? Do you have children together? Is she getting help for her issues? Hope you don't mind me asking so many questions.

When I broke up with my ex dp, I knew it was the right thing to do. We were never really suited but, it really hurt and I did sometimes wonder if I had done the right thing. It's unusual to just walk away from a relationship and for it not to really hurt, even when you know there is no other way.

consumersucker Tue 25-Feb-14 14:09:09

and this is so raw! Just read back that you broke up at the weekend. Give it time.

Offred Tue 25-Feb-14 15:10:38

If by 'sorted' you mean that you haven't had a relationship that lasted tbh that is not a failure. I don't think really long term monogamy is particularly sustainable or healthy for most people. How you end up 'sorted' is by being able to determine your own life and assert your needs, maintain healthy relationships and leave ones that aren't happy. It sounds like you are good at this. It is terribly, terribly hard to leave someone you still love because their issues have led the relationship to be unsustainable. I don't think you are failing, you seem to be succeeding but that doesn't mean it is easy.

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