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I want a baby

(23 Posts)
BramblePie Mon 24-Feb-14 22:05:39

Just broke up with my partner after having an EA with a colleague.
Colleague is married with kids but is now separated. We do love each other and talk about a future but at the same time I am trying to keep my distance as i know fine well this will get messy and my parents etc will disapprove.

The thing is i am so broody, my body is calling to me to be a mum. But i know i cannot even begin to think about becoming pregnant.

All my friends are married/engaged and living together etc and a lot of them have babies.
I just watched one born every minute and I am shedding tears because I so want it to be me.

I just want to settle down and have a family of my own.

Just feeling sad. Not sure what to get from this thread.

Twinklestein Mon 24-Feb-14 22:15:18

Can't you just let your colleague go back to up his kids? You don't say whether he separated on your account, but even if not, that's where his attention should be right now.

RRRJ83 Mon 24-Feb-14 22:18:57

If you're going through a difficult and confusing breakup/each affair then you're maybe dealing with the loneliness and stress of that. However unconditionally a baby will love you, it won't help you now. Having a baby should be about being in a family, so work on your relationships before babies.

Why would your parents disapprove? It's your life and happiness, do what's right for you, not them.

RRRJ83 Mon 24-Feb-14 22:20:52

Twinklestein, I'm sure he's a grown man who can see his kids regardless of being in a relationship with the op. Is that relevant?

BramblePie Mon 24-Feb-14 22:48:29

Yes he has visitation set up etc.

My parents are controlling but the stupid thing is they dont even live in the same country as me. I don't know, i just don't want to face the wrath of them.

Yes, i need to sort out my relationships and yes, i guess I am lonely.
I don't want to have a baby befor ebeing married but then when I think that and I am not even in a relationship properly then how long is it going to be?
I'm ready now but my life is so far away from it being possible sad

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Feb-14 06:23:07

I think your problem is insecurity, not broodiness. You're clearly lonely and desperate for affection if you were having messy affairs with inappropriate people. A man with children who would have an affair is really not someone you should be pinning your future hopes on, no matter what he says to you. If you'll forgive the observation you also sound very immature if you're worried about talking to your parents. Too immature, arguably, to embark on something as life-changing as parenthood.

Why not take some time out to build your self-esteem, get on an even keel and stop seeing the world as some kind of romantic novel?

Cabrinha Tue 25-Feb-14 08:39:19

You say you're ready now, but you're not. You need to work on your approach to relationships (stay away from married men) and develop an adult, confident, relationship with your parents.

Both of those things that you need to do in preparation for parenthood, just as you might decide to start on folic acid! You will be a better parent for it.

JoinYourPlayfellows Tue 25-Feb-14 09:35:17

Who do you want a baby with?

The man you dumped or the man who is in the middle of breaking a family apart with your help?

It would be an act of true evil to get pregnant by the married man any time soon.

He and his wife and children deserve space and time to deal with the havoc that your selfish little bullshit relationship has caused to their family.

You probably think that getting pregnant is a good way to compete with the women he chose to be in a family with, but it's not.

BettySwolloxs Tue 25-Feb-14 09:39:35

Please don't have a baby and pass on your selfish genes....the world has enough sociopaths

WhateverTrevor83 Tue 25-Feb-14 09:59:27

He isn't married. He's separated. And can have children again with someone else when/if he wants to.

If you want to settle down and have a family, do it OP. When you meet someone who is ready of course.

JoinYourPlayfellows Tue 25-Feb-14 10:09:48

If he gets his mistress pregnant just after separating from his actual wife and existing children, then he is a complete and utter bastard.

A person leaving a relationship with children has a responsibility to do that with kindness and gentleness and create the highest possible chance of a future amicable relationship between them and their children's other parent.

Going out and starting a new family with someone else going to blow the existing family apart and will almost certainly lead to years of bad feeling and resentment and devastation.

He's not a 13 year old who just broke up with his girlfriend of a fortnight. It's different when you are an adult and there are children involved.

JoinYourPlayfellows Tue 25-Feb-14 10:11:01

And you can't be separated unless you are ALSO married.

Married and separated are not mutually exclusive categories.

There are reasons why it takes a while to get divorced.

WhateverTrevor83 Tue 25-Feb-14 10:19:31

Erm, OK.

If he's such a bastard his wife/ex-wife will be well rid of him, no?

Was actually saying OP should plan to settle down if she wants to with someone right for her (ie: not necessarily the man who is separated from his wife).

JoinYourPlayfellows Tue 25-Feb-14 10:21:55

If he's such a bastard his wife/ex-wife will be well rid of him, no?

confused

Maybe she will.

But your point was that a separated man can start a family as soon as he walks out the door and my point is that that is an absolutely revolting way to behave.

Because it hurts the people left behind. And they are still human beings with feelings.

WhateverTrevor83 Tue 25-Feb-14 10:26:39

No offense but this isn't about you and your anger about married men!

OP wants to settle down. She can do this with whoever she wants. Sorry, but it's true.

WhateverTrevor83 Tue 25-Feb-14 10:28:55

PS At no point did I say the separated guy should have more kids (with OP or anyone else) straight away. Of course that is hurtful.

Was just making the (valid) point that OP doesn't need to limit herself to him. As he sounds like, as you make out, a bit of a bastard if he gets in to EA's with other women.

JoinYourPlayfellows Tue 25-Feb-14 10:33:34

his isn't about you and your anger about married men!

grin

Oh do piss off.

Viviennemary Tue 25-Feb-14 10:43:00

You are a long long way from a secure future with a married man who has just recently split up from his wife. And yes he is married if the divorce isn't finalised. That is not free to remarry.

People can behave in any way they choose. But don't be surprised to get disapproval from your parents and from others. Having a baby at the present time would be extremely irresponsible. But having an affair with a married man is hardly something to be proud of.

Aussiemum78 Tue 25-Feb-14 11:10:19

How old are you? If you are younger definitely focus on your own confidence and wait for a good relationship.

If you feel your time is limited, and maybe that desperation is driving you into a new, probably bad, relationships maybe you should consider seeking fertility treatment/having a child on your own/freezing some eggs?

AprilDayGirl Tue 25-Feb-14 12:03:32

Dear OP, I don't want to sound harsh but whilst I don't doubt there might be some broodiness in there, I think you might also want to offer this man a substitute for the family he left, yourself a fulfilled and uncomplicated relationship maybe in the lines of the one you broke and your parents - a reason why instead of disapproving, they could be happy for you (I suppose if you "settle down and have a family" they don't need to know the history or it's not as relevant).

Apart from that, although I don't want to gatecrash your thread, I suppose I'm after some words of wisdom myself.
Same issue, different perspective.
Me and DP are blissfully happy and I couldn't love him anymore (I know the feeling is mutual). We are financially comfortable (by no means well off) and we are content with our life style, we go out as much as we can, take a few holidays a year, have weekends away etc. We both value our freedom and know we are very lucky to have the lives we have, be healthy and most important, to have found each other (as cheesy as this may sound). We do have a dog which we absolutely adore and while it makes it a bit more difficult to go AWOL (we have to arrange for petsitters as none of us has the heart to take him to a kennel), we still manage to do it. We also work for ourselves which gives us some flexibility but plenty of stress as well.
DP has two DC from a previous marriage, they are nice kids but I don't get to see much of them. They live quite far away and we have them over for a weekend every month, although DP does go to see them often for a day at the time. DD is lovely and we get along great while DS is a bit of mummy's boy and extremely stubborn (with everyone not just me) so it is harder to connect with him. I find it extremely difficult to treat them as my own and although I am being caring, nice, protective, playful and all the rest, I am struggling to find any deep genuine affection. I like them both (I am actually quite fond of DD) but I don't love/adore them. (Please don't take your spears out!)
99.9% of time I am absolutely convinced I do not want children. I'm happy with my life, I don't feel anything is missing, I love DP too much and I don't want to do any sharing - from no one's perspective (I am aware this might sound horribly selfish, but I am just being honest. I always said I wouldn't have any children, even before meeting DP. I think I lack the patience, the skills, the devotion. But then from time to time, every couple of months or so, when I read on FB that one of my friends or my friends' friends just had a baby, for a split second, I got the urge to stroke my belly or cradle a little bundle. And then I have a dream in which I'm either pregnant or/and just had a baby (in real life I don't think anything terrifies me more than childbirth but in my dreams I seem to be only slightly scared), as I had last night and I wake up, as I did today feeling like I can only assume it is really broody.

BramblePie Tue 25-Feb-14 17:27:30

Join - I never said I wanted to have a baby with the OM. Or my ex. And OM wont "get his mistress pregant" because I have the implant.

I am 27. Good job and I am actually very confident and outgoing. But i do feel like I am being left behind by friends who are in the middle of the family process.
I used to be pretty wild but in the last 5-7 years I have calmed down a lot.
I also didn't have much support from my parents. They just shout if i need help etc and basically if the decisions i make are not ones they themselves make then it must be the wrong decision and i never hear the end of it.

OM has always put his kids first.. he just couldn't live with his wife anymore. They are both putting the kids first and he thinks they will benefit from the separation more than with him being at home and them all being miserable.

Anyway, I never said I am going to be getting pregnant any time soon just that I really want to be and it gets me down.

I want a house in the country, dogs, husband and baby. Then I will be happy.

JoinYourPlayfellows Tue 25-Feb-14 17:42:21

I want a house in the country, dogs, husband and baby. Then I will be happy.

sad

Please don't waste your 20s being unhappy because you haven't settled down with a man and started sprogging yet.

Really, you are young and single and you have no responsibilities.

Make the most of that and let the rest of it fall into place.

Which it will.

BramblePie Tue 25-Feb-14 17:51:16

I hope so

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