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Newbie counselling advice

(7 Posts)
rocket74 Mon 24-Feb-14 21:52:49

I have arranged counselling for me and DH next week. Things have been really hard recently - well last five years if I am honest - and I can't carry on the same way any longer.
I am just concerned how couples counselling works - DH is more of a talker than me and he has said three times now that he will be 'fucking furious' if I start saying stuff in the session that I haven't talked to him already. I have lots of hidden feelings and many feelings that he has undermined me and criticised me about some serious and bafflingly minor issues. So now do I just go along and say nothing? Thinking he should just go alone as it is him with the anger and aggression issues. hmm

We are getting the counselling for free as its tied in with the fact we have a child with SEN and its supportive offer because of the additional stresses this causes.
We also have another younger dc. So living a stressful life also with money worries also at moment.

Am I making a mistake - should I be doing something else?

Sex is almost non existent which I get criticised about all the time.

PatTheDog Mon 24-Feb-14 21:59:42

Poor you! It sounds like you're in a really difficult situation and, forgive my honesty, your h does not sound like a very nice man at all!

My friend is a counselor and she says with couples counseling the bottom line is "Do you want to stay together or split?"

Personally, rightly or wrongly, I would tell the counselor what your h said about being "fucking furious" because how can she help you if she doesn't know you are being threatened in this aggressive manner? He sounds like a bully.

If you feel frightened to go home with him after being honest, tell her that.

It is her job to make sure you are given your fair chance to speak so your h shouldn't get away with doing all the talking.

Do not say nothing! Be brave! Speak up! Otherwise what will change? How can she help you if she doesn't know?

Good luck. I'm sorry life is so hard for you at the moment.

Lweji Mon 24-Feb-14 22:10:50

If he's already he'll be fucking furious about things you may or may not talk about, you should really be telling him that there's no point in counselling and you better split now.
Any instances of that anger and walk out.

Counselling should be a safe place to be able to talk about things without feeling scared. If you are already entering walking on egg shells, there's non point.
He sounds abusive, btw, if that's how he is.
What are the aggression issues?

rocket74 Mon 24-Feb-14 22:16:34

I would say its his language that is aggressive really - he can get wound up quickly and then it's lots of expletives. I have never been touched by the way. But he has his own defined way of doing things and if you do it differently he has to tell you what you are doing wrong - hence everyone, inc his mum feel have to walk on eggshells so as not to have to listen to him telling us to how to do it properly. It is exhausting. By Sunday nights I am normally considering divorce after a weekend at home. ( I work FT and he does more childcare in the day but his mum helps 50% too)

Lweji Mon 24-Feb-14 22:25:54

He seems to have serious control issues. Including with the possibility of you talking about things you haven't told you about.

TBH, my feeling is that it would be better if he moved out until you can actually live with each other. It sounds as he's likely to take it back on you for whatever happens in counselling or counselling won't work because you're already scared of him.

If he was asked to move out, it would also give him a serious message that you won't put up with his aggressive manners. Anything else is just allowing it, really.

rocket74 Mon 24-Feb-14 22:56:11

I'm not sure I am scared of him, more I am too tired to listen to the lecture or the rant if I say something he doesnt agree with.
I try my best not to walk on eggshells anymore - he tried to tell me how I was stacking the washing up wrong yesterday shock and I just downright refused to listen to the nonsense even when he shouted in my face. I just shouted back 'I am not listening to you!'
This did upset me though as had thought things were getting a bit better but nothing has really changed. This wasn't the first incident yesterday either I have just remembered.... I have just learnt to let everything pass and try to forget but surely there is a point where enough is enough?

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Feb-14 05:58:33

It would be a mistake to engage in joint counselling with an abusive man who is not prepared to entertain hearing something new. The whole point of counselling is to talk in a calm, neutral environment and hopefully come away seeing things from a different perspective so that resolutions can be worked on. If he's so aggressive and closed minded, you're wasting your time.

I'm glad you're standing up to him and refusing to take the abuse. Individual counselling may help you detach further as a stepping stone to getting yourself out.

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