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Abusive dh has moved back, I feel like I am cracking up, what do I do?

(29 Posts)
sus14 Mon 24-Feb-14 21:11:31

My ex fw was violent when I was pregnant and for next 3 years. Eventually I called police and he left. I took him back. I d had cancer while dd was a baby and I had a scare and I just needed him

Had no violence for the past 2 years but constant and worsening and vile
Verbal attacks. He's involved my dad, talking to him about how I am frigid, mad, extreme pmt. I posted in here in October and nearly left, bit could nt quite do it, I didn't know where to go. Then in jan he started on me again one night and then called my dad to tell him again how awful I was, something snapped and I called the police. They made him leave. He's been in hotels since then, but been back most weekends, supposed to go to his folks but always been too tired to drive. He's been back now past 4 nights and I have felt insane. I was feeling better hen he was away. He's just come in now and told me its his house and he's not wasting anymore money on hotels.

I can move to my parents. I did this initially but it meant getting dd up at 6 and driving her home fir 30 mins so I can work. She got very tired. So now I may just hae to take time off work to work out what to do, file for divorce etc.

I feel so desperate and anxious. I just cannot stand being in the same house. Even now he started in at me telling me my dad knew how evil
I was. I just don't think I can mentally take this. What can I do.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Feb-14 21:15:39

You need to get him to leave the house permanently and for that you're going to need the full weight of the police, Social Services and other legal authorities. He's very dangerous and it's irrelevant that it's his house. Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 can give you the name of a solicitor that specialises in DV cases. Stay safe.

sus14 Mon 24-Feb-14 21:32:17

It's joint house. He's just obsessed that he put more
Money in than me, but its joint names on deeds.
When I spoke to police dv unit after the last incident, which was non violent, they reckoned I could get a non
Molestation order and that would mean he had to leave.

sus14 Mon 24-Feb-14 21:33:43

I heard him last night, while I was struggling to sleep, guffawing at something on tv. And dd asked me tonight why I never laugh anymore .

Carlat86 Mon 24-Feb-14 21:42:44

You need to get rid of him. Go to the police again, press charges, it'll go to court and the likely outcome will be a restraining order. You can get a non molestation order, they cost a bit of money to do. But by the sounds of things is well worth it.

You need to be strong and think about what's best for you and your dd. it's clearly an unhealthy atmosphere for you both. Be honest with your dad too. Tell him what DH is like, you need the support of your family on this one. If he won't leave, take yourself and dd to your parents - if feasible. The police will get him to leave the house and there is support out there, you just need to want it.

sus14 Mon 24-Feb-14 21:55:52

They have a one stop shop on monday with police and lawyers so I can go there. Just need to get to that point. I ve got decorators in for next week who I booked to finish all the jobs he failed to. So a bit hard to pack up with them around. Need to work out logistics.

Lweji Mon 24-Feb-14 22:19:26

You can try the ncdv for emergency injunctions.

You will need to get your head around going no contact with him. Permanently. So, WA is a good port of call as well. And to do the Freedom Programme.

You will need to work out why you needed an abuser with you when you were in a vulnerable state (cancer scare).

mammadiggingdeep Mon 24-Feb-14 22:25:11

Please start divorce proceedings. Nearly cried when I read the bit about your dd asking why you don't laugh anymore.

Please start afresh and have a lovely life with your dc.

Dig deep and find the strength- you can do it.

sus14 Mon 24-Feb-14 22:33:02

Plan is, move out tomorrow late pm when decorators have gone, just areanged with my parents.
Call Wa
Go to police one stop shop Monday and not hold back.
Arrange to see a solicitor I ve been recommended
Temporarily cut hours at work so I can drop off and pick up so dd doesn't get tired by having to get up early
Told him I am going nc. It's the only way to save my

After everything he's done to me, and he still
Won't have the decency to leave, I have to.

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies x

AnyFuckerHQ Mon 24-Feb-14 22:38:30

good luck with your plan, op

make it permanent this time

Lweji Mon 24-Feb-14 22:39:45

Stay safe, sus. Does he know you are leaving tomorrow?
Good luck.

nennypops Mon 24-Feb-14 23:53:22

Don't wait for the one stop shop if it's not till next Monday, see a solicitor as soon as you possibly can. Good luck.

LiberalLibertine Tue 25-Feb-14 00:01:15

Good luck love.

Stay really strong, for yourself and your dd x

handfulofcottonbuds Tue 25-Feb-14 00:08:59

You will laugh and smile again once this man is out of your life.

Good luck, use the support that's there for you and try and stay strong. Please don't wait a week though, look after yourself x

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Feb-14 06:03:08

Sounds like a good plan and good luck. Once the divorce is underway and you get your share of the house equity you'll be able to start fresh anywhere you like and laugh as long and hard as you like .... smile Stay safe.

sus14 Tue 25-Feb-14 07:19:27

Sent email to solicitor this morning. One of the reasons I haven't filed for divorce yet is because he has been on hotels so petition would come here. Now I am thinking of staying put until the solicitor has something for him, as he will also stay put then, I can then pick up the letter from sol and leave it in the house on the same day I move out. If we go today he may go back to a hotel, which is great short term but leaves me with problem of getting the divorce petition to him. He's back from work later than me, I can just go to bed.

Due to be taking dd on a holiday at end of march to celebrate my birthday. His name is on hol but he has agreed not to come. Can he prevent me taking dd out of the country if divorce proceedings are underway? If so I'd be tempted to wait as we need this holiday, its 5 weeks away though.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Feb-14 07:23:25

I'm sure, if you explain about the hotel thing to your solicitor, they will be able to still serve the papers. Regarding the holiday, ask your solicitor about that as well. The only way, I think, he could prevent you going on holiday would be if he could prove to a court that you had plans to abscond permanently overseas.... which you don't, of course. You have her passport safe?

sus14 Tue 25-Feb-14 07:24:24

Also waiting for dds passport which should come this week. Don't want him to get his hands on it!

sus14 Tue 25-Feb-14 07:26:13

Maybe I can coincide passport arriving and getting divorce papers here!

Lweji Tue 25-Feb-14 08:16:03

Can't you send the petition to his work?

LEMmingaround Tue 25-Feb-14 08:24:44

I am a little concerned that you are going to your parents when your father has already failed to protect you and joins that man in conversation about you. Is there no way he can be made to leave?

sus14 Tue 25-Feb-14 08:54:20

That's why I am hesitant. He is supportive now and has seen fw kick off recently and was very shocked. But I still feel a bit exposed around him. I would have to go there though once I file divorce.

sus14 Tue 25-Feb-14 08:57:10

Ooh just got text saying he is going to hotel. This is what does me in though, waiting for his decision on where he will be nightly.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Feb-14 08:58:11

Papers can be served to a hotel or workplace. Lawyers are very good at tracking people down.

LEMmingaround Tue 25-Feb-14 09:31:23

I think you should stay in your home actually, get the locks changed and keep him out. I don't understand why you would need to leave once you file for divorce

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