Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is it ok for XH new partner to excessively slag me off??

(209 Posts)
Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 21:03:25

I posted before about the breakdown of my marriage (sorry don't know how to link from phone).

Anyways, me and XH have been talking loads, very amicable, friendly and honest. We agree we'll always be friends whatever the future holds as neither of us has any bad feelings of each other.

XH has new partner of 2 months (been seeing her twice a week). Since I got back in contact with him she has been sending in excess of 30 texts every day telling him what a bitch I am, what my character is, how I'll never change, what her friends say about me, along with lots of 'I love you' messages.

He has said she has every right to be angry at me. Am I being a bit blonde in thinking that as he's been honest with her about his failings as well as mine, she really shouldn't be doing this and he should tell her to stop with the character assassination??? He has said that she is doing his head in and that he doesn't believe everything she is saying but that she is only trying to protect him.

As the breakup was mutual I am struggling to understand this as I know if I had a new partner I wouldn't accept any down putting of XH.

Am I missing a something???

MistressDeeCee Mon 31-Mar-14 04:04:52

I've managed to stay incredibly pragmatic and tried to make him see that she is boosting his ego and telling him everything he wants to hear, not sure it's sunk in.

I do understand he is your ExH so the 2 of you may still feel a bond. But, why are you even bothering, OP? You being the spectre in his new relationship is a possible reason why his gf doesn't exactly appreciate the 2 of you being friends. Although actually, the very probable reason is he told her you were a right bitch in the 1st place. & you at present are over interested in him; Full of doomladen prophecies about his gf. You're just trying to come across as the more diplomatic one to him but you and she aren't much different really. You just use different 'language'.

He's no doubt loving all this. 2 women all over him. As he is your Ex and no longer your man, I do think you need to find another focus and perhaps get out a bit more. A man such as this, and this situation, couldn't hold my attention for a nanosecond.

If you're friends no need for that to stop but just step away a bit and leave him to his relationship. If the 2 of you have more than a liking for each other its likely it wont last anyway.

DollyTwat Sun 30-Mar-14 23:08:16

It doesn't matter who's fault it was now.
Unless you are getting back together and you're not
Everything was my fault too, apparently, yet I remember differently. And that's all that matters is that you know the truth

This woman only has your ex's description of you, if you've never met her, she can only believe what he says. You know he's going to say you're a physco bitch etc. that's what they all say. It's what he'll say about her

Let your boys see him without your input. You concentrate in you. Rebuild your life. Enjoy your friends
What he thinks doesn't matter

MrsC1969HJ Sun 30-Mar-14 22:25:10

Oh make no mistake, it's ALWAYS your fault! Why would it be any other way? I've been told in no uncertain terms that two middle aged adults starting an affair was entirely down to me and because I "pushed him away"....not actually sure when that was because he was quite happy in our bed! Guilt, blame, guilt, blame...step away..! x

Lozislovely Sun 30-Mar-14 20:21:11

Thanks Random. Yes it did drip over the years - but of course the breakdown was all my fault - none of his at all, so I've had to do all the apologising. He's apologised for his behaviour in the early years but the last 10 were apparently all down to me.

My bff is away until Wednesday but I've spoken to her and my mum. I know it sounds silly but I've had a sense of shame and guilt that my marriage ended - not sure why, but I'm pretty much over that now. Maybe because I don't feel 'guilty' anymore? It takes two to tango after all.

RandomMess Sun 30-Mar-14 19:54:19

I wonder if he has dripped this sort of abusive putting down crap at you for the whole of your marriage?

You really do need to detach, please try and get some RL support so if you weaken you can phone a friend. Write a list of all the reasons why you mustn't respond to any texts or emails or invite him in.

MrsC1969HJ Sun 30-Mar-14 19:20:28

He's telling you all this shit because he wants you to believe it...the fact that he has to do that means it's all crap, but don't be drawn in. I agree with everybody else. Detach. You have to. My kids are younger and we are currently in mediation so I have to have some contact but am trying really really hard to keep it to a minimum. It's hard, it really is. You can do it though! x

Lozislovely Sun 30-Mar-14 19:12:42

And I am trying to get my life in order.

3rd session of CBT next week to work through my anxiety triggers

Been out to lunch with the girls

Got my hair cut

Spent loads of time in the garden

Thrown caution to the wind and ordered a cross trainer (can't run anymore)

And I was doing ok after throwing him out of my house 2 weeks ago after he lied to me yet again, and telling him never to contact me (he threw back 'don't contact me for at least 2 days - 2 days WTF).

I go back to work on April 14th and it can't come soon enough. I don't want the drama anymore, I really don't.

RandomMess Sun 30-Mar-14 19:04:40

There is no reason for your ex to see you!!! His contact is with them, and them alone.

He is being abusive towards you and you have every right to say no more.

Lozislovely Sun 30-Mar-14 19:00:22

@Lying - I don't have a land line so my mobile is registered with just about every one and I've had the same number for years. I've just had a thought though - I have an iPhone - I'm sure someone told me that numbers can be blocked if you download the latest OS, so going to check that out.

I am exhausted and I really can't take any contact with him, not least for my boys.

And yes they could answer the door, but aren't they just having to 'cover' for me? I don't want them to feel they have to lie or my behalf or in deed say mum doesn't want to see you.

RandomMess Sun 30-Mar-14 18:58:04

Look your ex is a complete arse, I mean why on earth tell you what his new woman said about you????

As your dc are 15 and 17 do you actually need to be in direct contact with your ex for arrangements? You did mention there were health issues but if they could be responsibile for arranging to see their dad like they do their friends then it will be easier for you to get on with your life?

KepekCrumbs Sun 30-Mar-14 18:56:05

Remember what AF told you. Disinterest. Detach. He is irrelevant. As are any of his subsequent partners.

You have to switch off him. Click. He's gone.

Now get on with your life and ignore him, swipe the thought of him away as if he were a horsefly at your picnic.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 30-Mar-14 18:50:58

Now look, Loiz... it's serious if it's affecting your mental health. Why won't you change your sim and stop him contacting you? You're not doing that for a reason. You are NOT ignoring texts, you don't want to and there's no way in hell that you won't read them. The only way you can get this to stop is to change your number and not give it to him. Your children can have their own mobiles for contacting him, they're old enough.

Your boys are perfectly capable of answering the door to their father, they're old enough to do so. Coats on and out they go, no need for him to come in.

Sort out what you MUST do for your childrens' sake (ie. keep your mental health) - and go and get some counselling to talk about how he's still affecting you so badly.

First steps though, Loiz, stop talking to him and letting him communicate with you. He can do this directly with his children - he doesn't need to do it via you. Please, please, please...

Lozislovely Sun 30-Mar-14 18:44:33

Yes yes yes to all recent posts.

I have honestly done everything I thought I could to protect my boys. It was only because I was tearful on Friday that DS sent the text.

I 'did' love the old him but know now that nothing has changed, he's still an utter twat.

I guess my concern about not responding to texts was in itself childish, but after reading this thread again I do know that it isn't the case.

And with being pragmatic - perhaps there was some jealousy there - being told she had bigger boobs, orgasmed every time they had sex, does this, does that, did hurt me (I'm only human).

Why would a man who actually loved me tell those things and also then tell her what I was saying?

Hands up, I was weak, too weak in fact to see what he was doing - not least because he kept saying he was struggling with it all.

I thought I hadn't been playing mind games, but perhaps I was.

What I do know is that my mental health suffered for it and I'm not prepared to let that slide again.

I dread the thought that he may text again or pop round and I'm not sure how I should handle it. The boys are here so if he does knock on the door what do I do, just ignore?

Ignoring texts I am fine with, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of responding.

MrsC1969HJ Sun 30-Mar-14 18:39:24

SirRaymondClench...I most certainly wasn't denouncing "all" men or women for that matter as "liars" but the examples I have come across on these boards are indeed exactly that, including my own STBXH. If you knew my story, you would know there was nothing "playground" about it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sun 30-Mar-14 18:33:56

Loiz... I'm sorry to see you posting again... meant in the nicest possible way.

You say that 'you went no contact but he didn't...' - of course you didn't either. Change your sim, don't give him the number, get him to e-mail you about the children only. These are the things you would do if you really didn't relish the contact. I'm sorry but I think you do.

You deserve better than this, far better, but you will not get it whilst you play these silly games with him. For your childrens' sake, if not for you own, stop playing them.

DeMaz Sun 30-Mar-14 18:32:22

Stop bloody responding to his texts! You guys are acting like 12 year olds!
Also don't get your DC involved in your childish games! Yes, your 17 year old may have sent the text off his own back but how would he know you're being 'messed around'! Your XH may be a twat but he is still their father!

SirRaymondClench Sun 30-Mar-14 18:29:33

Right so now you need to focus on keeping yourself strong and healthy (in body and mind) and sorting your life out. One which doesn't involve this man.
How often does he have his children? You don't really need to speak to him at all but from now onwards you need to be businesslike and to the point with him on all matters. Your marriage is over so you need to take care of yourself and your boys. Sometimes with relationships, things get so fucked up that they can never be put right, no matter how much we might want them to be, that is the point where things need to end. You've reached that point. No more. This man does not have your best interests at heart. He does not love you. The love is gone and what is there in its place is something pretty twisted and messy.
Your boys are literally begging your XH to stop messing you about because they can see the effect on you. Your XH doesn't even care enough to stop playing games with you when he has received texts from a 17 year old begging him to stop. For a 17 year old boy to feel he needs to stick up for you, things must be pretty bad. Please focus on you and your boys and start to heal. Be kind to yourself. You love the man you thought he was, but he isn't that man any more so you need to grieve and move on and you can't do that with him still in the picture.
You have a good life ahead of you so start making it happen.
I promise you this, you will be just fine in the end. thanks

DollyTwat Sun 30-Mar-14 18:21:23

Loz just saw your thread
What an utter twat your ex is. Good to see you are breaking away and seeing his behaviour for what it is

I think you should ignore his texts now, unless they're about your dc. Just don't respond however tempted or outraged you are

Blu Sun 30-Mar-14 18:19:34

And why exactly do the boys get 'messed around' just because you are?

Why do they know anything about al this texting and drama?

Why are you entering into any possibility of going over? IF he has had second thoughts and wants to try again, and IF you feel the same, it wouldn't begin like this, would it? It would begin with a serious conversation, cards on table, total honesty, apologies, acknowledgements. Not texting and game playing.

From the outset: "I've managed to stay incredibly pragmatic and tried to make him see that she is boosting his ego and telling him everything he wants to hear, not sure it's sunk in". Well no wonder the silly woman was insecure and madly slagging you off - he was telling her what you were saying, and 'pragmatism' sounds as if it might have been a front for jealousy, and you were telling him his relationship was shit. And he was telling her that!

Breaking up is so hard, learning to live alone is hard, letting someone go is hard. But until you find a way to do it, continuing to engage is just like self harm.

How did the CBT go?

Lozislovely Sun 30-Mar-14 18:02:59

You are right again SirRaymond.

I don't have an excuse other than I got back in contact with him because I was heading for a breakdown. I had been absolutely fine for the previous months.

I stupidly thought (at the time) that I wanted him, and yes, he seemingly appears to have enjoyed every minute of this game, despite saying otherwise.

It has fucked with my head. I have managed to keep it all from the children apart from last Friday. I was meant to be going back to work on Monday FFS, with my head held high (because stupidly I felt a failure that my marriage had broken down).

They say love is blind and at the time of my breakdown I honestly thought I loved him.

Thanks to anti d's now properly taking effect, CBT and posting on MN, I am a lot clearer in terms of what I want and it's not him.

I relapsed after 7 good months but it's not happening again because I cannot and will not allow that to happen to me.

I'm worth more than participating in some pissing contest with his gf.

It was a moment of weakness and I can't change that, but I can change my future. My boys have always been number 1 and I have done everything to protect them from this 'soap opera'.

SirRaymondClench Sun 30-Mar-14 17:54:45

You split up more than 7 months ago.

It didn't work then and since then he has been involved in numerous 'relationships'. He likes the drama and keeping you where he can see you. He doesn't give a flying fuck about you because if he did, he wouldn't have treated you like this and he wouldn't be with someone else.

He is not your problem any more and he owes you nothing.
You say you've ended it once and for all but you're secretly hoping (and expecting) that he will contact you in the next few days. And he will...hmm
Why don't you stop this nonsense and think about the impact that you and your XH are having on your children because really, they deserve more than this. Put them first and stop playing games.

Lozislovely Sun 30-Mar-14 17:49:28

SirRaymond - yes it is pathetic. I've ended it once and for all.

I haven't enjoyed any of it other than re-confirming that XH is a liar.

After 20 years its hard to just complete step back, especially when there are children involved. It's also hard at time to truly accept that you can't try again.

SirRaymondClench Sun 30-Mar-14 17:48:15

And MrsC "They are all liars" is bullshit. Some men are, some women are, but it boils my piss when women engaged with these ridiculous relationships denounce all men as liars/cheats/bastards when they then go on to engage in playground relationships and games.

Value yourselves higher!

Lozislovely Sun 30-Mar-14 17:46:52

You too Mrs!!!!

I feel relieved right now and honestly hope to god that he doesn't bother to contact me again (tricky to change my number as I don't have a land line so my mobile number is with school/doctors etc).

Eldest DS sent XH a text off his own back on Saturday saying the he needs to realise that messing me around means he and his brother and messed around too - XH sent a text asking me to tell DS to lay off the abuse!! WTF - I didn't know or ask him to send it. Eldest DS is 17!! I think it was more a case that XH doesn't like to hear the truth!

SirRaymondClench Sun 30-Mar-14 17:46:01

Honestly OP what is it you want to happen?

This is like watching someone self harm.

You both sound about 18, and it's pathetic that the two of you are playing these games, because that's all they are.

So what is it you want?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now