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Is it ok for XH new partner to excessively slag me off??

(209 Posts)
Lozislovely Mon 24-Feb-14 21:03:25

I posted before about the breakdown of my marriage (sorry don't know how to link from phone).

Anyways, me and XH have been talking loads, very amicable, friendly and honest. We agree we'll always be friends whatever the future holds as neither of us has any bad feelings of each other.

XH has new partner of 2 months (been seeing her twice a week). Since I got back in contact with him she has been sending in excess of 30 texts every day telling him what a bitch I am, what my character is, how I'll never change, what her friends say about me, along with lots of 'I love you' messages.

He has said she has every right to be angry at me. Am I being a bit blonde in thinking that as he's been honest with her about his failings as well as mine, she really shouldn't be doing this and he should tell her to stop with the character assassination??? He has said that she is doing his head in and that he doesn't believe everything she is saying but that she is only trying to protect him.

As the breakup was mutual I am struggling to understand this as I know if I had a new partner I wouldn't accept any down putting of XH.

Am I missing a something???

Lozislovely Sun 30-Mar-14 19:00:22

@Lying - I don't have a land line so my mobile is registered with just about every one and I've had the same number for years. I've just had a thought though - I have an iPhone - I'm sure someone told me that numbers can be blocked if you download the latest OS, so going to check that out.

I am exhausted and I really can't take any contact with him, not least for my boys.

And yes they could answer the door, but aren't they just having to 'cover' for me? I don't want them to feel they have to lie or my behalf or in deed say mum doesn't want to see you.

RandomMess Sun 30-Mar-14 19:04:40

There is no reason for your ex to see you!!! His contact is with them, and them alone.

He is being abusive towards you and you have every right to say no more.

Lozislovely Sun 30-Mar-14 19:12:42

And I am trying to get my life in order.

3rd session of CBT next week to work through my anxiety triggers

Been out to lunch with the girls

Got my hair cut

Spent loads of time in the garden

Thrown caution to the wind and ordered a cross trainer (can't run anymore)

And I was doing ok after throwing him out of my house 2 weeks ago after he lied to me yet again, and telling him never to contact me (he threw back 'don't contact me for at least 2 days - 2 days WTF).

I go back to work on April 14th and it can't come soon enough. I don't want the drama anymore, I really don't.

MrsC1969HJ Sun 30-Mar-14 19:20:28

He's telling you all this shit because he wants you to believe it...the fact that he has to do that means it's all crap, but don't be drawn in. I agree with everybody else. Detach. You have to. My kids are younger and we are currently in mediation so I have to have some contact but am trying really really hard to keep it to a minimum. It's hard, it really is. You can do it though! x

RandomMess Sun 30-Mar-14 19:54:19

I wonder if he has dripped this sort of abusive putting down crap at you for the whole of your marriage?

You really do need to detach, please try and get some RL support so if you weaken you can phone a friend. Write a list of all the reasons why you mustn't respond to any texts or emails or invite him in.

Lozislovely Sun 30-Mar-14 20:21:11

Thanks Random. Yes it did drip over the years - but of course the breakdown was all my fault - none of his at all, so I've had to do all the apologising. He's apologised for his behaviour in the early years but the last 10 were apparently all down to me.

My bff is away until Wednesday but I've spoken to her and my mum. I know it sounds silly but I've had a sense of shame and guilt that my marriage ended - not sure why, but I'm pretty much over that now. Maybe because I don't feel 'guilty' anymore? It takes two to tango after all.

MrsC1969HJ Sun 30-Mar-14 22:25:10

Oh make no mistake, it's ALWAYS your fault! Why would it be any other way? I've been told in no uncertain terms that two middle aged adults starting an affair was entirely down to me and because I "pushed him away"....not actually sure when that was because he was quite happy in our bed! Guilt, blame, guilt, blame...step away..! x

DollyTwat Sun 30-Mar-14 23:08:16

It doesn't matter who's fault it was now.
Unless you are getting back together and you're not
Everything was my fault too, apparently, yet I remember differently. And that's all that matters is that you know the truth

This woman only has your ex's description of you, if you've never met her, she can only believe what he says. You know he's going to say you're a physco bitch etc. that's what they all say. It's what he'll say about her

Let your boys see him without your input. You concentrate in you. Rebuild your life. Enjoy your friends
What he thinks doesn't matter

MistressDeeCee Mon 31-Mar-14 04:04:52

I've managed to stay incredibly pragmatic and tried to make him see that she is boosting his ego and telling him everything he wants to hear, not sure it's sunk in.

I do understand he is your ExH so the 2 of you may still feel a bond. But, why are you even bothering, OP? You being the spectre in his new relationship is a possible reason why his gf doesn't exactly appreciate the 2 of you being friends. Although actually, the very probable reason is he told her you were a right bitch in the 1st place. & you at present are over interested in him; Full of doomladen prophecies about his gf. You're just trying to come across as the more diplomatic one to him but you and she aren't much different really. You just use different 'language'.

He's no doubt loving all this. 2 women all over him. As he is your Ex and no longer your man, I do think you need to find another focus and perhaps get out a bit more. A man such as this, and this situation, couldn't hold my attention for a nanosecond.

If you're friends no need for that to stop but just step away a bit and leave him to his relationship. If the 2 of you have more than a liking for each other its likely it wont last anyway.

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