Post break up dilemma - please help(19 Posts)
My long term bf broke up with me a month ago. I'm so, so sad. We had a few weekends that were not great. Things had been sliding and I think he felt undervalued or something. Nothing we couldn't have sorted with a long weekend away or a serious discussion, but he decided to end it. I have no bitterness towards him. In so far as there was 'fault' it was on both sides.
We have kept in touch - he hinted he wanted to keep communicating. We met up a week ago at my suggestion. I was expecting an awkward, brief meeting, but he turned it into a fantastic and rather romantic afternoon. He seemed relieved and overjoyed it had all gone well. The strong attraction is very clearly still there. He suggested we go out again one evening, and I expect eventually he will arrange something. There is no suggestion however that we are back together.
I am so very, very bored without him. I hope we get back together, but as I can't count on it I have to go out and make friends and do stuff. I also need to distract myself from the sadness.
I looked into joining meet up groups. One attracted me; they are running a really interesting sounding event at the weekend and I was about to book when I noticed he is a member of the group and has booked to go to the same event! I can't believe it, out of all the hundreds of possible meet ups... Now I feel I cannot go in case he feels I am stalking him or hindering his freedom in some way. It will be so frustrating to spend yet another weekend alone. It took me hours to find that one event and I can't find anything else as appealing.
So, do I just forget it and mope at home; or go, and let it be his problem if he is bothered I am there; or speak to him and suggest we go together, or at least clear it with him that I am going? Any perspective on this welcomed. Thanks.
Well, I wouldn't go.
You seem very passive in all this - he gets to go, cone back, do what he likes and you are just there waiting for him.
The best thing you can do is get on with your life but also make it clear to him that he's either with you or he's not. And if he's not no more romantic weekends.
Of course, getting out and going to the group things is just the ticket but not if he's going to be there - that's just nit the point of you going to them. And the fact you think you will be miserable at home is not an excuse to go to something when you know he's going to be there - and you know that.
I'm so sorry that you are sad; it's miserable breaking up but if you give him his cake and let him eat it you will find yourself in this miserable limbo land for a long tine to come.
Thanks MumoftheMoos. The reality is that there is a fairly big chance that whatever I do to socialise he will be there as our interests are so closely aligned. For example, we both go hiking and there are only a limited number of walking groups. I suppose I would rather face the issue head on and discuss with him that I intend to do these things. It seems more honest than just going and hoping that we either do or do not run into one another.
I am so very, very bored without him. I hope we get back together, but as I can't count on it I have to go out and make friends and do stuff
you sound like he was a convenience rather than a partner
Hi DarlingGrace. I love him to the bottom of my heart. But what is the point of staying at home and weeping? I have done so much of that already. I put it badly when I said I was bored. The overriding feeling is heartbreak.
There's a website called outdoorduo that sounds just what you're looking for - people wanting to meet up for outdoor activities either with or without dating.
Avoid him. You won't get over him otherwise. Don t go straight to friends, it's weird....
Hi fortyplus, I will look that one up, thanks so much.
Something2say - it would be artificial for us to avoid one another. Being 'friends' is the only way as I see it for a chance of reconciliation. It might not happen, but better to give it a chance than to be wondering for evermore what might have happened if only we had kept in touch. That's the way I see it.
I might be talking to myself here... my dc's spend every other weekend with their dad. Before I met bf, I spent those weekends totally alone. So lonely and depressing. Then I got up the courage to start going to social/walking groups and life became more fun and I soon met bf.
I'm determined NEVER to waste another weekend alone. There are only a limited number of social groups that cater to the things I want to do and he appears to be signed up to all of them, unsurprisingly, as we enjoy the same type of things. I don't think it is my responsibility to avoid groups he belongs to, or to check whether he is going to an event and then to avoid it if I find out he's attending. If we end up at the same event, so be it. I will be fine with that. He may or may not be fine with it, but I don't think that is a reason to limit my social life? If he's there with a new gf, again, so be it, seeing him with someone else will be horribly painful but will help me to move on. If he sees me talking to men, then that will help him to understand that his decision to separate means I don't belong to him anymore. Does this make sense?
Go away for the weekend. You are kidding yourself about this. Find a walking group event further afield or a trip to a museum or a tennis lesson or a book reading. Anything to stay away from him at the moment. Also, don't meet up unless it is on your terms i.e. not casual and as a date.
He has hurt you, do not let him to it again out of habit.
Hi, itisanideasgame. I've tried doing things alone in the past - plays, concerts, readings. I don't like going alone. I'm shy and find it impossible to talk to people unless I am in a specific group. Meet up groups are the only way I'm ever going to be able to socialise. He hurt me. I hurt him too. I care about him and he cares about me. I know it's an unusual stance, but I think avoidance in these circumstances just makes things worse.
I disagree with you utterly. This isn't romeo and Juliet. This is a short term fix until you get stronger and more independent. If you don't want to and wish to continue this melodrama, please do but FYI, I think you are selling yourself short. If you won't treat yourself with respect and make a decision, why should he?
To be honest if it was me I would just send a quick message saying I'm going to so and so I noticed your going hope it won t be awkward but seeing as our interests are so similar we may bump into each other from time to time at least we will know someone there. Be prepared to see him chatting other women up you need to think long and hard if that is something you are willing to see and still enjoy the event I know if I still loved someone I couldn't do it it would ruin it completely so I would find a hobby or something to do I'm never stuck a s I have my Ds my dogs and my horses maybe you need to look into something like this or arrange a meet up with a friend.
I think you sound fairly determined that you want to work towards a reconciliation and that you aren't going to change your mind on that, so I'd be inclined to just send him a quick text to say that you're joining a few groups that you've seen he's a member of, and that you hope it won't be awkward.
Is it possible that he's anticipated this happening and wanted to keep in contact as friends to avoid any big scenes?
Oh and not FYI but FYIW. I didn't mean it to be quite so hectoring.
Thanks Tilpil and Ella - what you have said really helps. The way you've set it out sounds reasonable and he couldn't possibly object.
I admit I am a romantic, itsanideasgame. Also, my past experience tells me that 'break ups' are not always what they seem.
You could join the ramblers? Then there will be different walks to go on
Hi overthemill. Thanks. I've been on a few ramblers walks.
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