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Someone I thought was a friend stopped contacting me

(26 Posts)
monkeytree Mon 24-Feb-14 18:02:07

Feeling a bit upset and my confidence has been knocked.

Someone I considered to be a friend suddenly stopped responding to my phone calls/texts and for no apparent reason (none that I can fathom anyway).

We have known each other for years - met through a toddler group along with some other mums and for years we have kept in touch meeting with the children from time to time. Out of all the women in this group I thought I got on with this woman the most. We would meet up for coffee from time to time and both of us went through some traumatic life experiences and it appeared we were able to support each other. Of course she had others who supported her too.

However, out of the blue she stopped responding to my text messages/phone calls and I really can not work out why. I put it down to her trying to deal with her issues in her own way and being busy at work etc. Then when my dd was born there was no congratulation message or card etc in fact she did not bother to contact me at all in the last few months of my pregnancy to find out how I was getting on but once again I put it down to her issues which were pretty serious - life threatening illness, death in the family etc. Today during one of our group meet ups I discover that she is getting married at Easter and this is the very first I have heard of it.

There is one other woman in the group who I am also friendly with and she didn't mention the wedding either when we last met (I moved a few miles away and so don't see these mums at the school gates etc). I hate to ask if everyone else is invited as I feel totally left out.

We used to share so much of what we were going through, I am saddened and at a loss to know what went wrong. I wish I could say something discouraging about this woman but I really genuinely liked her and thought the feeling was mutual but obviously it was not or that we fell out over something in particular but I cannot pinpoint anything. I would have loved to have continued are friendship - meeting up every month or so for a coffee and a chat but feel as if she has treated me badly and don't feel able to ask her what went wrong. I need to move on but feel really saddened and feeling that I am a really bad judge of character. I am left feeling very hurt and my confidence has been knocked with me reflecting in on myself that I have done something wrong.

Compounded with this I recently fell out with a woman in the village a whole new story but this woman really wasn't pleasant and appears to have mental health issues and I feel that this wasn't a friendship so nothing lost but once again questioning is it me.

Having said this I do have 3 or 4 good friends - trying to convince myself that I can and do get on with people

Anyone else been in a similar situation?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Feb-14 18:10:18

You're not going to answer this one if you don't ask what went wrong. Could be something, could be nothing. Could be she wasn't as fond of you as you were of her. Could be she thinks she's over-shared in the past and is worried you know too much... (have had that one before smile ) Did you have any opinion of her new bloke?

Hedgehead Mon 24-Feb-14 18:10:45

I posted a really similar thread earlier on here!

http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2007185-Like-our-friendship-never-existed

It seems like some women do this!

Olivegirl Mon 24-Feb-14 18:12:36

It's hard to understand if you don't know her reasons
Could you get in touch with her and say something like
" hi haven't seen you for a while, you ok ?"

Sometimes life gets in the way of us keeping in touch
Hope you can get to the bottom of it

shoom Mon 24-Feb-14 18:22:48

It could be loads of things... your DP or children have annoyed her and she doesn't want to raise it and have an awkward conversation, it's easier to avoid you. You remind her of a time or event she wants to forget (it can happen e.g. after serious illness, the main supporter during that time finds they are dropped).

It sounds like you don't bump into each other other, she could be seeing people casually but not making an effort to meet anyone, and you're not being treated differently to any of her other friends...

The wedding is odd though, if she doesn't contact you about that then I would consider it deliberate. However I'd be tempted to phone her and have a chat, you would hear quickly whether she is happy to talk to you or not. If she seems odd on the phone it could be worth asking what's going on in case there's been a misunderstanding or a "Wendying".

Pheonixisrising Mon 24-Feb-14 18:23:45

I can relate to your story , it happened to me

really , really good friend too . I still don't understand why and now I can't be bothered

just move on and make new friends

Cigarettesandsmirnoff Mon 24-Feb-14 18:32:47

op Ive had the same!

Supported a good friend through her dh leaving her, she was in the phone every night fir six weeks crying at all hours. Apparently I as her rock hmm we even used to holiday together.

They got back together, moved away for a fresh start and apparently new friends!

I hardly ever hear off her now and it's always me that initiates contact. She even has new holiday friends sad seen on facebook.

Ah well fuck em! If you have been a good friend it's her loss not yours. Don't take it personally.

Roussette Mon 24-Feb-14 18:58:27

It's horrible for anyone to do this. I just can't understand why people can't be upfront and honest. To have to puzzle away as to why someone just 'turns' is awful.

And yes, it's happened to me. Years ago I helped someone join something they were very nervous about, and for quite a few years we were friendly. Then out the blue I got the vibes that I was out of favour. I carried on as normal in the hope it would just reset itself but then this person became nasty and bitchy for no reason that I can think of. I did email and ask if I had done anything to upset her because I was worried and could she tell me what was going on. No reply. So I assume I got my answer.

monkeytree Mon 24-Feb-14 20:36:12

I always thought I was a good judgement of character now I'm doubting that. We always seemed to talk really easily and I put the fact that she wasn't responding to my texts/phone calls down to her going through a hard time. No we didn't see each other all that regularly but I always looked forward to meeting up with her and we seem to enjoy each others company and talked mutually about our families, hols etc as well as our difficult life events. I don't want to appear needy and hound her I think I will have to move on and chalk it up to experience. I wish people would just be honest then you know where you are and are not left wondering what did I do? Yes perhaps I was more fond of her than she was of me and yes she has lost someone who is a loyal friend and there if needed. I'm not saying I'm perfect - we all have our faults but I am that sort of person who likes to help and support others. It would have been interesting to know if she does treat others like this but I guess I will never know. It's no way to treat someone who has not done something intentionally wrong.

Girlnumbersix Mon 24-Feb-14 20:54:11

Maybe she has something going on in her life that she feels she cannot share with you. Whenever I have seen this happen before, it has been because of something going on with the friend who breaks contact, that she cannot share for whatever reason.

WhizzFucker Mon 24-Feb-14 21:16:23

I've had it happen to me and... [don't bite my head off please] ...I've been the friend-dropper a couple of times too.

One time I had a lot going on in my life and was a bit crap at getting in contact with a friend. They kept leaving messages and texting asking what was wrong and tbh I put off calling them because I was embarrassed and didn't know how to explain and then it felt too late and that I had burned my bridges.

Another time, a friend really upset and offended me - I don't think she ever realised why I stopped contact. Although she had been a close friend for a long time, I felt that I didn't want to have a big conversation about it and I didn't actually want to sort it out, I just wanted nothing to do with her any more.

Looking back I do regret the loss of these friendships and wish I had behaved differently. At the same time I haven't had loads of angst about the couple of times I have been dropped by people I was close too.

Sometimes people move on, friendships end - it doesn't mean they weren't good and valued while they lasted.

Annakin31 Tue 25-Feb-14 04:29:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

winkywinkola Tue 25-Feb-14 05:20:33

This kind of thing hurts so much. And you doubt yourself too.

It happened to me last year. We were v close, had a real laugh, supported each other through problems. I didn't get that she was blanking me for ages. I felt embarrassed about that.

I bet you're racking your brains as to what on earth you could have done.

Personally, I wouldn't bother trying to find out. You might have deeply offended her. She might just have gone off you. Either way she clearly doesn't care about you or your friendship to bother with you. That is really hard to accept but you will eventually just shrug your shoulders.

It does get easier. If you need new friends then you just have to get out there and find them.

On the advice of MN on this board,I made a huge effort, made sure I spoke to parents who were quieter and those who hung back. I found some gems.

I don't click with them quite like I did with the friend who dumped me but we have a laugh and frankly, my old friend is not a true friend.

I really hope you can reach the same place op. I know how upsetting it is. Let's assume you're not invited to the wedding and go from there. Always be polite to your mutual friends and NEVER discuss her with them. It will bite you on the bum.

Look closer to home for your new friends. Even if she came back and wanted to start afresh, it wouldn't be the same ever again.

I think the best approach is always be polite but distant to her if you see her and your mutual friends.

It's a bad time for you at the moment but it will get better. Honestly. But you have to say good bye to this friendship or at the very least how it was.

AmericasTorturedBrow Tue 25-Feb-14 05:44:19

Feel your pain, I think I'm being very slowly dumped by my best friend of 13years, my Maid ofHonour, DS Godmum etc in favour of a cooler childless and career successful crowd

It really fucking hurts

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName Tue 25-Feb-14 05:44:55

Op I know exactly how you feel. There was someone I'd known for a few years through work and we ended up working together and became pregnant at the same time. We became very good friends. We spent just about every day together on mat leave. Once back at work we still saw lots of each other and we both left at similar times.

Then she had another baby, my dad died and I got pregnant. The nail in the coffin seemed to be when her dh left her. I was very down/depressed about my father dying buy put huge effort into contacting her and trying to help her through it. She changed her phone no. (not unusual), bit didn't give me her new number, i pisted an invite to my dds party she didnt show, I found out she moved (due to the seperation), I had no idea where too.

A couple of years later, I bump into her with her new partner and her children. She introduces us and what really saddened me was the way our friendship was down played. It was described as 'we were on mat leave at the same time'. After being so confused about why I had been culled at such a horrible time in my life, I felt as though I'd been used to fill her time. It really hurt.

Now a few months later she has sent me a message on Fb saying she like to chat with her mobile no. I really don't know what to do. She was going through a really tough time, but so was I.

Op try not to blame yourself, it seems that this is just how some people are. I always kinda think it's a bloke/dumping thing but have learnt women do it to friends too.

winkywinkola Tue 25-Feb-14 06:21:03

And it's nothing to do with how good a judge of character you are. It's a risk you take. I certainly and unfortunately don't think I will ever allow myself to become as close to a friend again.

Roussette Tue 25-Feb-14 09:10:28

winky, that story is very sad and it ends up that we put up barriers to stop this sort of thing happening.

I hope OP you can see that it does unfortunately happen to lots of people and whizz that's brave of you to explain how it happens. The thing is... the longer it goes on, the less likely it can be explained away because the 'dumpee' has puzzled and worried for so long that eventually they just think 'sod it' and you put up a barrier to stop it happening again with the person who dumped you.

I went on a year or two wanting to work it out with my friend and if she had come back to me, I would have quickly forgiven and forgotten. However the longer it went on, the more hurt I was and then a small thing happened and I thought "enough". Now I don't have even one good thought about her and if she did contact me with apologies I would tell her to do one because I tried so hard to give her breathing space, be nice and make things OK.

Teaandflapjacks Tue 25-Feb-14 11:51:38

I had this - actually it's all blown up again recently and I am just trying to work my way through it and unpick it all. It's terribly hurtful and you turn yourself inside out trying to understand why. This is the cruelest part really. In any case, please don't do what i have done and discuss said person with mutual friends - because they don't like one bit and you can also alienate them too (even if your intentions were well meant). Because the fall out from me doing this has made it worse (and I am grown up with a DD - feels rather like being back at school…).

I also have joint events which have been really weird - sometimes said person has been super friendly and makes out she wants to reignite the friendship, other cold. I have been invited to lots of shared events, left off others (depending on what kind of event) and now I live abroad it makes it easier I guess for the group. I think your friends who genuinely care for you will ignore any issues and continue to see you regardless, and support you. This is what I have discovered - and it's often not the people you think surprisingly.

What another poster said about trying to forget a time of their life I think makes sense - at least for me. What I have realised is - it doesn't matter how you are, if you are even posting on here to figure it out means you are a kindly soul and are not alone in people behaving like this to other kindly souls. Take heart from that and put it behind you. Draw a line under it all and move on. Even if you did repair it it will never be the same.

If you are really really bothered you could get in touch to wish her well on her engagement and see what happens from that. But you may hear nothing back and need to be prepared for that possibility.

lookingfoxy Tue 25-Feb-14 12:08:59

Im going to be unpopular but ive recently been a dumper as well.
whenever my 'friend' gets in contact its 100% to moan about something, its very draining I would actually feel quite down after one of her visits.
Also when I was pregnant and suffering from spd and constant nausea she took the hump because I said I wasnt feeling up to meeting her for lunch one day, it was a case of ' your only bloody pregnant' .
She texts me a lot, sometimes I respond out of politeness other times I just ignore, its always a complaint about something.
I have my own problems and when I see my friends I want to enjoy myself and have a laugh for the most part, not be drowned in negativity !!

monkeytree Tue 25-Feb-14 12:34:07

Thanks Ladies. I think I might text and wish her well with her engagement as I didn't say goodbye properly at our last meet but I will definitely distance myself from her and expect little from our friendship. Can understand about the moaning aspect but we were both guilty of this so not one sided. Yes big world out there. I have just had dc who is 4.5 months old and trying to slot into baby toddler groups whilst older dc is at school. I am an older mum and find myself surrounded by a lot of younger/first time mums which is not a problem but maybe don't have so much in common. Luckily I do have a few longer established friends about so meet up with them from time to time for a coffee and a chat. Also plan to return to work a couple of days a week early next year. Never been dumped by what I considered a good friend before usually friendships just fizzle or we drift apart. Obviously the good friendships have remained longer term but I thought this particular friendship was in that category, obviously not. Comforting but sorry to hear others are going through this kind of thing too x

winkywinkola Tue 25-Feb-14 12:49:55

I wouldn't even bother doing that, monkeytree. She'll probably just roll her eyes at your text and wish you'd get the hint and leave her be.

I don't mean to be unkind but when someone dumps you like this, they don't want to hear from you.

monkeytree Tue 25-Feb-14 13:00:34

Thanks Winky I think you're right its just me wanting to leave things on a good note knowing how much she's been through. I think had it been me I would still get in touch with someone I really considered a friend even if its to say I'm not in a good place right now, I'll contact you at a later time. Not having your phone messages/text messages returned really doesn't feel good and I put it down to this or that without getting the hint. Ladies who mentioned not talking about this friendship with other mutual friends are very wise - I could feel myself being dragged down this route but will stop myself or throw it in with hows x,y and z since I live out of the area its more difficult for me to keep up with day to day chit chat but there's no point hanging on and hopefully in a while I wont care about how x is getting on anyway.

Helltotheno Tue 25-Feb-14 14:12:01

I think you're right its just me wanting to leave things on a good note knowing how much she's been through.

This type of thing is probably part of the problem though. You should justifiably feel a bit aggrieved and annoyed that for whatever reason, she doesn't rate you enough. You have to get your anger on a little bit, and I mean that in a good way. If your friendship is not good enough for her, then she doesn't deserve it and polite but distant is the way forward. The comment above shows you're still all about her and her hard times.. what about you? She's moved on. You deserve more!

Also, your comment above but I am that sort of person who likes to help and support others, that's part of it too, even though it really really shouldn't be. There's a type of person who leeches off people like you when they're emotionally needy, then decide to distances themselves from that whole period of their lives, which means distancing themselves from the person who gave the support. That's your mate.

I'm not suggesting don't be supportive, just be very circumspect about giving a lot of yourself and taking on board a lot of someone else. I've found the best friends I have, I made over a very long period of time, with a lot of give and take and peaks and troughs. I'm there for them if they call but not all the time and not exclusively (and vice versa).

It's not your fault, she just didn't appreciate what you put in.

sadonherbehalf Tue 25-Feb-14 14:25:09

To my shame I am responsible for being a non communicating friend. I met this friend at ante natal classes 27 years ago, and we were very close for a number of years. I then moved away, but we still chatted/visited on a regular basis. Then my 10 years ago DH had a serious illness, to the point that I felt unable to leave him for any length of time, and having visitors was not possible as he found it too stressful. Over time, I stopped returning her calls, mainly as I was so pre occupied with DH, and managing the children, not because I no longer want her as a friend. As time went on, it became more difficult for me to pick up the phone, as i just don't know what to say. Her DCs and my DCs are all friends on facebook, and we still exchange xmas cards. I would love to resume contact, but I am so worried that she may not want to, or that I have hurt her terribly by not communicating for so many years. Also, the effects of DH illness means that he cant cope with loads of people, so inviting her and her family to our house would not be easy. But I do feel sad that this has happened, and especially sad that I may have hurt her

WiseOldBird Tue 25-Feb-14 14:34:29

I had this recently too and it is really upsetting especially if they don't tell you why because you just agonise about every single thing that you could have said or done to upset them. In the end you have to accept that they do not want to be your friend anymore and unfortunately they do not have the maturity or the capability or maybe just the courage to tell you why. I also dumped a friend recently because she was incredibly selfish. I told her how I felt and gave examples of when she had been selfish (there were quite a few). I tried to be calm and factual and tried to avoid attacking her or getting emotional. Of course she got very emotional and defensive. And I know that you avoid this if you just walk away without an explanation. But I felt it was the right thing to do because I knew how it felt being dumped with no explanation. She had previously asked me why all her friends were avoiding her so I felt someone should say something. It was hard bumping into her after I had said these things as she was obviously smarting for a while. But we remained civil and can now have a chat when we see eachother and even compliment eachother's children. I don't regret having told her and without meaning to sound sanctimonious, I think it helped her change her behaviour and keep friendships she otherwise may also have lost. If I was upsetting someone to the extent that they wanted to dump me, I would like to know and be given the chance to change.

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