grandparents

[cazforman]

I am desperately hoping someone can help with advice. My daughter had a baby boy a year ago and is 7months pregnant with her second. Sadly she has a mental health issue which results in her not always coping with the stress of being a parent. The father whome she left as a result of mental abuse and according to my daughter physical abuse has the 1year old with him,,neither has custody as yet. My daughter is not planning on letting the father take her second son and is going to do everything she can to keep her baby. We supported the father from the begening as we were not sure of the abuse claims due to her illness. We used to have the baby from about 3 months(thats when my daughter left the father) for sometimes two weeks at a time to help the father sort his situation out (he is a farmer). We went away for two months and since we have come back the father seemes to have got it in his head its all my fault that my daughter does not want to be with him. I think he is bitter and because he likes to control things, he is using his son as an emotional weapon against me by saying i cannot have my grandson anymore. My daughter is also very upset about this. Do we have any rights as surley my daughter must have a say in who sees her son despite her mental issues. Please help as i am devistated about not being in my grandsons life

[Lozmatoz]

I work with abusive men, and your use of the word 'controlling' says to me that you already know there is some abuse. Report him to the police or at least seek advice from them. Go to the CAB as they may be able to advise you about gaining access to your grandson, mental health support and/or treatment for your daughter (if she doesn't already have it). It may also be worth enquiring with Social Services/CAFCASS. Look at www.cafcass.gov.uk/

Good luck

[AmyMumsnet]

Hi there,

We've moved this thread to relationships, hopefully you'll get a better response there.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

As a grandparent you'll find you have no specific rights of access to your grandchild. Your DD and her former partner are a different matter and they need to take their respective cases for access and custody to the right legal professionals. The test must be what is best for the children, not what is best for the parents. Are Social Services involved?

[cazforman]

My daughter has "help" from a mental health team, for what its worth and social services are involved already but because my daughter has been labled her side of events are seem as not anything the social services take too much notice of. I know my daughter is not able to be a responsible mum and my grandson is better off with his father (i think) but he has convinced social services that spening time with us, away from home will be bad for him and i know this is absolutely not true

[Pigsmummy]

Could you request a family mediation service? If your DD is so unwell that she can't cope with DC1 then how is she going to cope with the new baby?whilst you don't have rights social services will welcome the support of a family member to help. Make yourself known, push for a meeting. Ideally with the father.

Could the father be reacting this way because you went away for 3 months? Are you planning on going away for an extended time again? If so is there someone who can offer support in your absence?

[Pigsmummy]

Also does your contact have to be away from the child's home? Could you not go to your GC's home? Does your request for a visit from GC include father?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Your best bet is to appeal to the father. He's holding all the cards, you have no rights and your DD is out of the frame it seems. Go in heavy with Social Services or lawyers or whatever and you'll back the guy into a corner and get nowhere. Appeal to his better nature, offer help and he might warm to you eventually.

[cazforman]

My problem is the father is very bitter about my daughter not wanting to be with him and although we have given him nothing but help and support he is withholding my grandson as a way of controlling my behaviour towards my daughter, he is not happy with the fact i am supporting her as well. We live 4 hrs away so its difficult for us to be there on a daily or weekly basis. The bottom line is that everything was fine whilst he thought my daughter might come back to him, he was more than happy for us to have my grandson for a week every month butnow he has had to accept that she will not return to him, he is using their son to try and control us. I am begening to realize that no matter how unreasonable and controlling his behaviour is, he has full control and there is nothing we can do to change this. As far as the new baby is concerned, my daughter wants to try and cope and we will find a way to support her all the way, she is just desperate to prevent him getting into the driving seat as he is now and cause her to loose her baby once again. Sadly its clear once you have been diagnosed with mental health issues, you seem to become someone who is not to be taken seriously. Thanks for all the advice, we wont give up.

[cazforman]

Refering to a question posed by someone about us going away for 3 months, we went for 2 months for a holiday to spend xmas with my other family and a much needed break, there is no fear of us doing this again for years to come.

[Walkacrossthesand]

I don't know that I see 'controlling' in his behaviour - as you say, while he thought that he might get his wife/partner back by keeping you 'sweet' by giving you access to his son, he did it - now there's no gain for him, you're out of the frame. It's all about him, of course, not about your little grandson's relationship with his GPs - but that's in keeping with him being an emotional abuser, which is why your daughter left him. All you can do is try to keep communication open, remind him that you can't & don't influence your daughters choices, and hope that the advantage to him of having his son looked after for a week here and there, brings him round.

[cazforman]

Thats about it, tks for your thoughts, hopefully we will get there