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Going from an abusive relationship to a normal one

(14 Posts)
TotallyAddictedToLurking Mon 24-Feb-14 16:34:25

I am torn and confused.

This time 5 years ago I was in an abusive relationship, it ended when he nearly killed me.

Fast forward to now, I am in a non-abusive relationship.
I have been with him for 2 years.
I am just not sure it's right but I feel bad for feeling like this when I know how bad things were before.

I have MH issues which is also confusing things.

Is it just my depression making me feel like this? I don't want sex or any contact. I get very frustrated that we lead a very boring life.
I was told by my doctor that it is common to feel bored and frustrated because of the contrast between and normal and abusive relationship.

I don't think I know how to have a normal relationship and I am scared that I will just end up feeling the same no matter how I am with.

MadBusLady Mon 24-Feb-14 16:44:42

What exactly is it that bores you? Can you envisage the kind of relationship/man who wouldn't bore you? What are the good/bad things about the relationship?

I would say for most people it is quite possible to be bored/frustrated in a relationship because it's simply not right for them. It doesn't have to be about your previous abuse issues. So don't conclude you are unable to have a normal relationship until you have ruled out the possibility that this just isn't right. Did you have relationship counselling following the abuse?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Feb-14 16:57:25

I think I understand what your doctor is saying. Abusive relationships can be very intense and have an obsessional quality which makes subsequent relationships feel a little dull by comparison.

However, it could simply be that the person you're with now is just not right for you. If you find them unattractive and boring, you don't have to stick with it just because they're not abusive.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Feb-14 16:58:00

And I should add that I agree with MadBusLady.

TotallyAddictedToLurking Mon 24-Feb-14 17:00:40

After the abuse I had a breakdown and had counselling and was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

They sort of swept over the relationship and concentrated on my new diagnosis so I've never had the chance to speak to anyone about it.

My life is totally different in this relationship, I left everything behind.

Money is an issue which means that we don't really do anything but even if we had money I don't think DP would do anything. He plays a lot of computer games and turns down any days out.

I feel that I've outgrown him. He is very immature but I'm scared that it's me.

I've proven that being someone exciting is not always the best choice.

TotallyAddictedToLurking Mon 24-Feb-14 17:02:34

If I ever complain he even comments that things can't be that bad because I'm not in that environment anymore.

Leaving is such a final decision, I couldn't leave my exp until it got to the point where my life is in danger!!

You don't have to be in a relationship, if you're not enjoying it perhaps you'd be better off on your own for a bit?

He does sound a bit limiting. DH plays computer games but doesn't turn down ideas of doing anything else.

Taking a break isn't a final decision though? If leaving is such a big scary thing for you then that IS a bad sign, not for the relationship necessarily, but for your ability to be in a relationship currently. Of course nobody wants to break up, but you shouldn't be waiting for something drastic to happen so you "can" do it.

MadBusLady Mon 24-Feb-14 17:08:31

Well, he sounds boring TBH. And dismissive of your feelings to boot.

I'm not sure about the interaction of BPD with relationships, hopefully someone more informed will comment, but I do think this sounds a lot like a regular relationship-not-being-right scenario. That thing where you go for the complete opposite of the person who's just hurt you is what practically everyone does, regardless of their mental health issues and how bad the relationship was. And of course, it doesn't necessarily work because you're making your choice for negative rather than positive reasons.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Feb-14 17:09:25

Leaving may be a final decision but you're making staying sound equally final. If he can't think of a better reason for you to stay with him than 'at least I'm not as bad as the last guy'.... it's a pretty poor sales pitch.

I'm sorry if you find the idea of being independent worrying or that you don't trust your own judgement but agree with a PP that maybe you'd be better off enjoying your own company for a while. At least until you've restored your self-esteem and confidence.

TotallyAddictedToLurking Mon 24-Feb-14 17:28:21

Thank you everyone.

I haven't spoken to anyone else about my reservations. When I try to speak to DP he pressures me asking me what I want instead and I can't answer him.

I agree that maybe some time alone would benefit me. Allow me to find out who I am and not be defined by who I am with.

KouignAmann Mon 24-Feb-14 17:36:32

What do you get out of being in this relationship? Are you there for the relative financial security? Because it doesn't sound as thought there is much else to celebrate. You don't have fun together, you don't enjoy sex and you don't want contact which I take to mean cuddles and intimacy.

Do you have any ambitions you could work towards? Travelling or studying? Could you expand your life a little? Are you working or doing any voluntary work? It might give you more confidence to be single and enjoy being yourself for a while.

I was on my own for a year after mu EA marriage ended. Now I am with a lovely lovely man who makes life fun. But if I didn't have him I would be happy on my own.

Hissy Mon 24-Feb-14 18:57:24

You're not being abused, but your needs and feelings aren't being considered here, are they?

You have had a transitional relationship, one that proves to you that it's not always abusive, and that you're capable of having a 'normal' relationship.

Now you are ready for the next step. Which is not this guy by the sounds of it.

Trust your instincts and do something about it.

jannaofthejungle Mon 24-Feb-14 19:44:59

I agree with Hissy .

I am a MH professional. BPD is very often trauma related and from what you describe of your previous relationship,it could well be that your diagnosis was relevant in the context of that experience,and possibly experiences from earlier in your life.

You sound as if you are thinking wisely and calmly about this and there is much good advice here.

Take your time to think carefully and plan what you decide to do. You need to feel confident in making your own needs central to your life.

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