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Question for those whose marriages recovered after affair-what did DH do to "win" you back?

(49 Posts)
barking123 Mon 24-Feb-14 15:42:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 24-Feb-14 15:52:10

He does say he loves me and misses me and he has cried lots but the cynical part of me wonders if this is him feeling sorry for himself rather than about loosing me.

Stick to your gut feeling. I'm sure he feels sorry - but a lot of that is almost certainly for himself.

How discover it? And how long is 'some time'. And who was the person he was seeing? And how did it end?

Good luck whatever you decide. x

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 24-Feb-14 16:29:36

His tears may have nothing to do with losing you, OP, but everything to do with losing his lifestyle, home and easy access to children.

I know you want grand gestures but words are cheap and how long will they give you comfort for?

What has he actually DONE to show you that his is sorry? Is he still in contact with the OW? Has he told you all that you've asked to know? He's contacting you every day, is that giving you a chance to think about what you want or just continuing to make him reassured that HIS channels are open to him.

What would actually make you feel better, really?

goshhhhhh Mon 24-Feb-14 16:40:35

My marriage recovered. It wasn't gushing declerations of love but an explanation of why it happened & behaving like a decent human being. It was ten plus years ago now.

Jan45 Mon 24-Feb-14 16:53:34

I agree, words are cheap and will probably be a mix of wanting you back but also missing his life as it was.

Actions are what you need to see. Try dating him again?

barking123 Mon 24-Feb-14 16:55:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jan45 Mon 24-Feb-14 17:02:16

She clearly dumped him to go back with her ex, he's full of BS.

A year is a bloody long time to lie and deceive, think very carefully.

You don't know if he had long term plans, if the affair had carried on, who knows what would've happened. Get tough, don't fall for his stories.

meditrina Mon 24-Feb-14 17:07:41

Has he actually done anything on his own initiative to examine why he gave himself permission to have an affair?

And then taken steps to change? (Not "trying" or "intending" to change, but actually taking steps, eg attending counselling and being able to demonstrate insight and habits that have actually altered).

barking123 Mon 24-Feb-14 17:12:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jan45 Mon 24-Feb-14 17:20:53

If you are truly madly still deeply in love with him and can't contemplate a happy life without him then yeah maybe you should give it another go.

On the other hand, if you can't be 100% sure he won't do this sort of thing again given time, give him a wide berth and look for a guy who can actually tell you the truth and remain faithful.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 24-Feb-14 17:21:15

Oh love, I would proceed with extreme caution.

If you suspect he just got dumped then I'd stick with your gut, I really would. A lot of people preach on here about 'the kids' - but my mum kicked my dad's cheating arse out and never looked back. She set a good and clear example to me (and my sister) about what to put up with/not put up with with men. My Dad never really got over being kicked out but accepts it was his own stupid fault.

Stick with your gut - and don't let anyone (including him) guilt you in to going back unless it's because you really want to x

tessa6 Mon 24-Feb-14 17:57:45

I'd suggest the first thing is to be comfortable blowing the whole affair wide open and giving you ownership of it. This is achieved by finishing it for good very clearly with you witnessing that, either in person, over the phone or ccd emails with you viewing all future correspondence and having full access to phones/laptops etc. This may sound unromantic and obvious but it it heartbreaking how many relationships go limping on for years with the cheater still occasionally blowing on the embers of the affair, then backing away, then going back, without the betrayed ever really having the full picture of what the toing and froing emotionally is about. He has to be prepared to do that, and own it, so he is cutting off all his other options and doing so very publicly as a gesture to you.

Other stuff, like holidays, gifts and sex are all nice of course, and the reassurance is very important. But it's funny how much more loving and reassuring someone is when they have their other romantic options cut off. They come to you for the supposed 'unmet needs' like affection and fun, not a casual affair partner, because they are forced to and lo and behold, the marriage isn't as bad as they claimed.

But realistically, the most likely scenario is that she is ending things with him, or unhappy and he wants to jump ship back to you before it crumbles completely. Or that he is acting as he believes he 'should', by making a verbal song and dance about how much he misses you and how unhappy he is because he feels guilty about hurting you and is invested in himself being an emotional, compassionate type mounting his loss. That does NOT necessarily mean he wants to get back together. Merely that he wants the narrative of him offering that and you rejecting him, so he can frame himself as having 'tried' but in the end you were too cruel and bitter to get over it.

Be very. very careful. Both those last scenarios and very very common.

barking123 Mon 24-Feb-14 18:06:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fleminggot Mon 24-Feb-14 18:10:43

My husband had an affair for a year. On discovery he lied about big things and went to OW then came back, we tried and he withdrew from me. Made me become confused and my judgement felt impaired. I knew he was hiding something - he was still in touch with her!

I made it known id do anything to keep our family together, but he just gave up...course he did work with the OW I found out. Every time I kind of begged him to give us another go he was dismissive.

It's now a year on and after going our separate ways he starts sniffing around. But not in a gushing way.

How long was your break? I think for me personally I'd have done anything to keep my family together, but a year on a feel I deserve more.

Do you know who the OW is?

Feel free to PM as I am happy to share a bit more of my experience
If you feel it would help grin

Fleminggot Mon 24-Feb-14 18:12:57

Thinking about it at no point has he shown me any genuine remorse. I've seen him emotional more for the fact it's out and he's lost everything.

Whatever you do I'd suggest counselling for yourself - worth every penny and your employer might find it like mine did

goshhhhhh Mon 24-Feb-14 18:15:41

A year is a long time to deceive.

tessa6 Mon 24-Feb-14 18:41:44

Good for you, fleming, horrible you had to go through that though. So sorry.

MrsYoungSalvoMontalbano Mon 24-Feb-14 18:53:57

agree that its not about grand gestures, but genuinely doing things show he cares. in my case it was stuff like taking the DC our so I could have a break (having never done it before) doing things to show he appreciated me, without making a big song and dance about it, and making it very clear to OW that it was over between them. in our case, the marriage was on the rocks before the affair, so there were faults on both sides that we acknowledged. Several years later, I don't even think about it, but it took at least 18 months to get to that point.

SawofftheOW Mon 24-Feb-14 18:56:48

I always love tessa6's advice - so insightful.

This: 'This is achieved by finishing it for good very clearly with you witnessing that, either in person, over the phone or ccd emails with you viewing all future correspondence and having full access to phones/laptops etc.' Just what my DH didn't/wouldn't do, which resulted in the agony and uncertainty being horribly prolonged.

As tessa6 says, OP, your DH has to own this. What a horrible situation for you.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 24-Feb-14 19:10:56

Hmm. Remember he isn't a prize to be won OP. And that it may be that you and/or DH need some time alone to figure out what you both want and need. And time to recover.

You have choices and remember to trust your instincts x

barking123 Mon 24-Feb-14 20:34:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DarlingGrace Mon 24-Feb-14 21:25:18

Why do you assume its the bloke having the affair? Im sure there are quite a few women here who have had to make all the running to get their marriage back on track.

Marriage is a two way thing. It needs working at. When it goes pear shaped , two people made it so. When it's good, two people made it so. When it's mediocre, two people couldnt be bothered.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Mon 24-Feb-14 21:37:51

DarlingGrace... OP has said her husband is/was having an affair.

WhateverTrevor83 Tue 25-Feb-14 00:26:54

Another day, another absolute bastard.

WhateverTrevor83 Tue 25-Feb-14 00:32:49

Barking - having access to his email/phone etc is no way to live. For either of you. It's creepy. And boring. And controlling (you can't keep him under surveillance 24/7 if he wants to contact OW or any woman he will manage it). Spare yourself the further humiliation!

Save yourself a lot of time (that you can fill doing interesting things) - stay by yourself for a while. You might be surprised that you end up really not even wanting him. It shouldn't be this difficult. Really x

Reading that you continue to err on the side of caution is brilliant. Good for you. Don't hang on to his leg. There's no victory in that.

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