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wwyd? In this situation

(47 Posts)
chefpants Mon 24-Feb-14 14:28:29

Man I've been seeing for nearly 6 months two weeks ago told me he was married by the way of informing me his wife is pregnant. Semi casual relationship due to my work/family. Recently told him I love him and in all honesty if I didnt feel so shit about it all I would feel so terribly broken hearted.
I had no idea it's like I've been hit with a truck. Have had no contact and that alone is hard enough to deal with considering we spoke more than several times a day.
This all sounds so stupid and I've made such a mess of it all. But I've just today found out I'm pregnant (i was on the pill) about 2months and his wife Is about 5weeks. I havent told him yet and not sure if I should. What does it all achieve?
Is it ever ok for an ow to tell the wife? Can I give him an ultimatum to tell her or I will?
If I was I Her shoes I would want to know considering the circumstances. I've just made a massive mess of it all and want to hide away. I don't want to hurt him I really don't but so confused.

PeppermintPasty Mon 24-Feb-14 14:30:46

Do you want to keep the baby?

CaptainSinker Mon 24-Feb-14 14:32:59

I know you care for him but he has been a real shit to you and his wife.
Put yourself first. What will be best for you in the long term? Do you plan to have the baby? If so his wife will find out at some point but it doesn't have to be your job to tell her, decide timings etc. Just don't expect anything of him as he has shown his character.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Feb-14 14:34:53

It's never a good idea to go after the DW in these situations. His relationship is his problem and it would be unfair to hurt her just because you're pissed off. You are in no way in her shoes so don't act out of spite. He clearly had no intention of leaving his wife in the first place.

So take time to think. Talk to people you trust. Work out what you want to do about your baby and then, if you wish, give him a courtesy call to tell him what's happening. Whether he tells his wife about you or the baby or whether he says nothing at all, he's still responsible financially. Let him explain the letters from the CSA...

MrsCosmopilite Mon 24-Feb-14 14:36:45

1. Work out how you feel about being pregnant and decide what you want to do.

2. Get STD tested.

3. Inform him of the situation but you need to decide whether you're keeping the baby or not, and what you want from him (if anything).

You say you don't want to hurt him, but what about your feelings? Has he said anything about not wanting to hurt you? Or his wife?

RenfieldsOtherHalf Mon 24-Feb-14 14:39:57

As others have said, I think firstly, and most importantly, you need to decide if you want to keep the baby. If you do decide to go down this route, you need to tell him ASAP. Don't give him an ultimatum. His wife will find out one way or another, and try to bear in mind that she is innocent in all this (as you are too). Whatever you do, please put yourself first.

chefpants Mon 24-Feb-14 14:40:13

I really don't mean to be so horrible and want his world to crash down. I wouldn't hurt him for the world. I'm not in dw situation your right and it's selfish of me to even be so hurt, that poor woman when she finds out.
I'm really really not sure which way I'll go with the pregnancy, I'm just unsure of the way I'll get hurt less.

CaptainSinker Mon 24-Feb-14 14:46:19

It is not selfish to be hurt. You've done nothing wrong. You are human.

Can you talk things over with someone in RL? Do you have kids already? Do you want one/more?

chefpants Mon 24-Feb-14 14:49:33

I'm so hurt and I'm angry at myself for being such a idiot for having such foolish notions.
I did not want to tell dw, I just didn't know if I should. But you are right I need to think about me and just inform him either way. It's his life and there for his problem

chefpants Mon 24-Feb-14 14:52:38

I do already have a ds(8) and a baby dd (11months). I struggle enough as it is with them, work and study, I just got back on track after having dd and things started to look up, and now I'm just knocked down again.

Dahlen Mon 24-Feb-14 15:14:09

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation. You were an unwitting OW and have no reason to feel guilty, which I think will be helpful in the longer term. It's always easier to deal with emotionally difficult situations if you know you've behaved well yourself.

I'd break down the problem into separate issues, dealing first and foremost with the pregnancy. Do you want to keep it? Bear in mind that you'll have no control over your Xs involvement or lack of it, regardless of what you do. As such, and given the unreliability and weakness of character that he's already shown, you need to make the decision about continuing/terminating based on being a single mother with no support, including no financial support (since although he should pay child support that doesn't actually mean you'll end up with any in your pocket, or an amount that makes a real difference). All that said, pregnancy/termination is a decision that often needs to be made with the heart, rather than the head. Whatever decision you make is the right one.

Once you've decided on that, your decision will be partly made for you already about telling the wife. If you choose to have a termination, look only to your own life, which will be far happier IMO if you choose to go no contact and leave this man completely in the past. The best revenge is a life well lived and all that.

If you choose to keep the baby, the right thing to do would be to inform the father, but it should be him you inform, not his wife. You have no relationship with her - no obligation to protect nor reason to hurt. Even though many women would want to know, many others will simply view you as an evil fantasist. Finding out about her H's affair will be better coming from anyone other than you. If your X chooses to be involved with the baby if you keep it, he will have to tell her himself eventually. If he chooses to ignore you, you and baby will probably have had a lucky escape.

Best of luck with everything. flowers

chefpants Tue 25-Feb-14 12:31:53

Thank you ladies you've been so kind and helpful. I'm starting to think a little more clearer.

Greybrows Tue 25-Feb-14 13:30:59

So you already have 2 DC, not with their father(s) although one is only 11 mo, and you just got pg by someone in a casual relationship of under 4 months despite being on the pill which is 97.7% effective? biscuit

AngelaDaviesHair Tue 25-Feb-14 13:34:46

Your point being, Greybrows?

unobtanium Tue 25-Feb-14 14:06:54

Jesus Greybrows did you just say that?

ageofgrandillusion Tue 25-Feb-14 14:13:46

Only saying what others were thinking unob.
Personally, i would tell the wife. She deserves to know. Yes, in theory, it is his business but it has become your business by virtue of the fact that you slept with her husband. She deserves to know what a twat she is married to.

EllaFitzgerald Tue 25-Feb-14 14:17:09

You're absolutely not being selfish to be hurt! You've had an awful experience and been put in an awful position. You weren't the one who lied, or began a relationship in the knowledge that people would end up getting hurt. You are in no way to blame in this situation.

As others have said, the best thing you can do (apart from ignoring judgemental idiots) is to work out what you want to do and go from there. Once you've made the decision of whether or not to continue with the pregnancy, you can go from there. Although if you haven't already been, get yourself to your doctor as quickly as possible. The earlier you go, the more options you have.

VinoTime Tue 25-Feb-14 14:19:50

Greybrows if you're so determined to get you're judgy pants on why don't you go find some debate to thrash out with others who aren't feeling so vulnerable right now. Jesus. Are there unicorns and rainbows and jumping leprechauns in your perfect, everything-always-goes-right-for-me world? Back off!

chefpants is there anyone if RL you can talk to? And no, don't contact the wife - it's his relationship to sort out. You don't need that drama as well. Focus on sorting yourself out. Do you know what you'd like to do?

VinoTime Tue 25-Feb-14 14:20:38

*your

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Tue 25-Feb-14 14:23:31

Depends why you want to tell the wife, and be honest about the answer.

Lj8893 Tue 25-Feb-14 14:25:51

I haven't got any advice to add, but just wanted to say take care OP, I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now thanks

Greybrows Tue 25-Feb-14 14:56:52

Sorry, typo, I meant 99.7%.

fideline Tue 25-Feb-14 15:01:53

Greybrows, we are not in Iran. You cannot arrest or flagellate anyone for perceived 'morality crimes' here, so why don't you move along?

fideline Tue 25-Feb-14 15:11:30

Op, glad you're thinking more clearly. Good luck with it all thanks

Greybrows Tue 25-Feb-14 15:13:47

It's not a morality issue fideline. Clearly the bloke is a twat of the highest order, but the OP has stated she's pregnant by someone she hardly knew. Since she already has 2 DC to take care of I think that's irresponsible. She's asked wwyd

I wouldn't have the baby
I wouldn't tell his wife
I would take more care in future

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