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mil's dp makes me uncomfortable - in fact I hate him!

(52 Posts)
HelenHen Mon 24-Feb-14 14:07:31

Mil is wonderful, she would do absolutely anything for us and ds loves her to bits. However, her long term partner makes me feel very uncomfortable. He undermines me any chance he gets and makes me angry, I often end up ignoring him. At family gatherings, he's always trying to take ds to another room and I say no. When ds stays over, he still insists he sleeps in cot in their room even though he's 19 months and they have a spare room. Mil told me he likes to let ds run around naked. He's constantly fawning over him and saying 'oh he's lovely, he's gorgeous' and it makes me cringe. I'm not suggesting there's anything going on but he makes me very uncomfortable and I hate even being around him. He makes dh uncomfortable too! He keeps trying to give us money which I feel is inappropriate (mil can give dh money if she likes but mil dp shouldn't be offering me money, I only take money from my dad)

I guess, at best, I feel like he's trying to muscle in on the grandad role (both granddad live abroad). Unfortunately when ds was a few months old, mil asked if he could call dp grandad and I agreed. I've regretted it every day since.

Mil asked if she could come over tonight and I said yes. Then she replied saying 'we'll be there at half five' so obviously he's coming and now I feel all anxious. I wanna tell her I'm feeling Sick or see if dh can come home early.

Am I being dramatic?

Hissy Mon 24-Feb-14 14:13:35

Can you call her back and say something has come up and they need to come after your H is back home?

Or put it off? I'd say your spidey senses are kicking off for a reason. No overnights, no unsupervised visits.

MerryWinterfel Mon 24-Feb-14 14:23:25

Re the name, you could try adding his first name to whatever you have chosen, so Grandad Fred for Grandpa George. Makes it a bit different from the others and less close somehow.

MerryWinterfel Mon 24-Feb-14 14:24:19

Also agree with Hissy, instincts are there for a reason!

NigellasDealer Mon 24-Feb-14 14:26:02

if you have a gut feeling, go with it.

HelenHen Mon 24-Feb-14 14:36:47

Thanks all! You're right... I'd never forgive myself if anything happened just cos I didn't wanna upset anybody. Ds hasn't stayed over in a long time. The last time he woke up for two hours at night and he never does that so I think they go to him whenever he makes a noise!

I just call him by his first name anyway but I cringe when I hear anyone else call him grandad so I could never do it. Apparently his entire family are big into kidsas they had a bit of a broken upbringing and were in care for a while.

I might just let them come tonight cos it's only half an hour and I can be in control... I can then save my excuse for the next time they want him for the day. I just dunno how long I can go on making excuses without it becoming something big. Dc2 is due in April and I certainly don't want this one calling him grandad either.

MerryWinterfel Mon 24-Feb-14 16:34:16

Would it help to discuss exactly where your boundaries are with your DH and then write them down? It would help to both be on the same page and would also prevent any uncertainty or dithering. If its on the list the answer is no. Have some set answers and alternatives ready. eg, No, DS cant come and stay with you but we would love you to come with us to the cinema/for a BBQ/to the shops etc, whatever fits with how you want things to go.

Don't forget your children are not parcels to be loaned out to people, even lovely grannies, to make them happy. They can still have lovely relationships without sleepovers.

Never dismiss your feelings.

Who will look after DS while you are in labour?

MerryWinterfel Mon 24-Feb-14 16:36:09

Does he work or have a hobby that takes a regular time? If so that would be a good time to see Granny.

toodles Mon 24-Feb-14 16:46:00

Another one here saying 'trust your instincts'. If you want confirmation regarding your gut feelings, read PROTECTING THE GIFT by Gavin de Becker. It was recommended on Mumsnet a while back and I bought it then. I think it's one of the most important books for parents and everybody should buy a copy.

HelenHen Mon 24-Feb-14 17:15:18

Thanks merry, like I said I've not let him stay for a while and I've come up with some solid excuses as to why he can't, Eg. With it being quite disruptive and him not sleeping properly. We also make our excuses at weekend's. I've been hinting to dh that I want people to come here if we need a babysitter, rather than have him stay over. This should be easier once we have two dcs. He works full time, off at weekend's but mil is usually off a day or two during the week so I usually try to make plans with her then. Every now and then she mentions how dp misses him and will be so jealous. I just ignore it.

I think dh is definitely on the same page as me but he feels sorry for him since we heard about his childhood, but that just puts me more on edge. I do tell him every now and then how uncomfortable he makes me and he usually sighs and says to do what I have to do but I know he's not completely happy with me doing or saying anything but it is his family.

Unfortunately they will have ds when I'm in Labour and mil has already booked time off. I will insist dh take him as often as possible and I'll ask mil where he'll be sleeping and insist on it being the spare room.

Thanks toodles! I'll look that one up.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 24-Feb-14 17:29:16

Re this comment:-

"Unfortunately they will have ds when I'm in Labour and mil has already booked time off. I will insist dh take him as often as possible and I'll ask mil where he'll be sleeping and insist on it being the spare room"

Does MIL really need time off, can she be put off from doing this?.
Why are they having DS at all (will your DH and son be staying at their house?) when you are in labour?. Can DH not look after his son in your own home?.

Why can't his mother visit your house instead and stay there with you?. It seems that your mother too speaks up an awful lot for her man with her man hardly saying two words. How long have they been together?.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 24-Feb-14 17:32:04

I would trust your instincts re this man because you barely know him. He's basically your mother's partner and she may well be blinded by love for him.

Do you know any more about his background and who imparted that information to you?.

NigellasDealer Mon 24-Feb-14 17:33:18

Unfortunately they will have ds when I'm in Labour and mil has already booked time off. I will insist dh take him as often as possible
i would be insisting that he stays with his dad and goes nowhere else to be frank.
what about this bad childhood then? was he removed from his parents care? why was that? why are his 'entire family big into kids'?
you have to put your kid before anyone's feelings.

HelenHen Mon 24-Feb-14 17:40:06

Time off is more so she can support us during the day in our house but yes, he will be with them when I'm in Labour as hopefully dh Will be with me but there are several different things that could happen with Labour so I can't plan it to a tee! Hopefully it will just be one night that I'm in Labour but anything could happen.

Oh he certainly speaks up for himself but, like I said, I try to see her when he's not there so maybe they've noticed this and shes actually dropping hints.

Dh is in the process of coming home smile

HelenHen Mon 24-Feb-14 17:43:30

Attila, it's mother in law! They've been together maybe 17 years! Dh doesn't consider him family though. His mom died this year and mil told dh about his past then.

They were taken out of his mom's care cos she had a breakdown when his dad died and she couldn't care for them. I don't know much more!

NigellasDealer Mon 24-Feb-14 17:44:50

hm well i would be finding alternative arrangements if i were you - have you a friend or relative ?

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 24-Feb-14 17:47:01

I would specify in your birthing plan that only your H and son are with you during the labour stages.

I would also be asking his mother and her man to visit only when you are ready to receive visits after the birth. I would feel very uneasy about having either of them in your home when you are in labour because your DH now feels sorry for this man.

If you feel uneasy that should never be minimised.

HelenHen Mon 24-Feb-14 17:52:26

No relatives, I'm not in my home country! My family are coming over but chances are it won't be when I'm in Labour! No friends in a position to help but maybe I can think about that a bit more.

HelenHen Mon 24-Feb-14 17:54:40

Sorry Attila, I'll be going to hospital for birth which is why we need someone to take him! I don't think they let kids in delivery suites?

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 24-Feb-14 17:57:40

Apologies Helen for my mistake.

If they have been together 17 years and your DH does not consider his mum's fella family, then this needs further thought. In law too, his mother and her man are regarded as two separate individuals.

What does your H really think of this man that his mother has shackled herself to apart from feeling sorry for him. What does your H think about your own concerns?. Also I note it was his mother who spoke to your H about her man's childhood, not he.

I would still feel uneasy about your H's mother and her fella being around your son in your home or their home whilst you are in labour.

juneau Mon 24-Feb-14 17:58:56

I agree re: your instincts. Never let this man be alone with your DS. If he makes both you and your DH uncomfortable, don't dismiss it! I swear that my instincts about creepy people have saved me on several occasions.

HelenHen Mon 24-Feb-14 18:07:01

H never liked him cos his parents split and he took it badly, then he came along! I think he was a bit of a prick too but nothing abusive! Sil is much younger than H so kinda considers him Dad and she seeme to like him

Logg1e Mon 24-Feb-14 18:26:33

Why don't you plan for your mother-in-law to look after your son in your house?

HelenHen Mon 24-Feb-14 18:59:47

Logg1 that's a thought. I can always say that there'll be enough changes with the baby and all. I don't think he'd be cheeky enough to presume he'd be staying too so that might be a good idea!

For the record, I trust mil 1000% and have no doubt that while she's there nothing could or would happen. It's just I think she might go to the shops or whatever And leave him. I think I should have a chat with her and explain that she's the only one I trust with him, not specifically putting down dp, and that I don't want him left with anyone else even briefly or explain that I would lose that trust in her and have to make other arrangements!

Logg1e Mon 24-Feb-14 19:05:28

Yes OP I'd lean on irrational, pregnancy hormones for why you want it this way and just say that's the way it is.

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