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Robbed of emotional support from dm

(36 Posts)
Twilight23 Mon 24-Feb-14 13:37:37

Dm is unable to give me emotional support and our relationship is strained as a result.

She fed me, clothed me, kept me warm and safe but never got to know me as a person. It is like she does not see me as an actual individual, just her child.

She craves attention and is very needy. Every conversation is about her- how she feels, what she wants to eat, what she wants to watch. She speaks to me as though I have asked a question I.e.
"I think I am going to wear a black dress to so and so's party"
"That was so and so on the phone".

She has to give me the run down on every small thing she plans to do from running a bath to making a hot drink.

She constantly needs approval and recognition yet gives none. I tend to go quiet as I find the whole thing draining.
I feel like her audience.

She tells my dc that she loves them every time she sees them and repeats herself "grandma loves you, yes she does, grandma loves you".

She does not know me at all. sad

CailinDana Mon 24-Feb-14 13:43:44

I have a somewhat similar relationship with my mother. I had to learn to accept that I don't have a mother, just someone who brought me up, very well from a practical point of view, but who has no interest in me as a person. It's hard and still gets to me but accepting it has freed me a lot. I've moved far away and speak to her every few weeks and see her about 3 times a year. She is good to my children and that's some consolation.

Detaching has worked for me. Do you think it would work for you?

Twilight23 Mon 24-Feb-14 13:59:53

No she lives close by.

I have always thought of my dm before myself. Even as as a child I was careful not to ask for things I knew she could not afford. I would pretend to have no needs. When I worked I denied Myself shopping sprees to pay her bills. I have always had to help her out financially.

I felt like a burden to her and in the way.

CailinDana Mon 24-Feb-14 14:06:48

Do you have siblings?

maggiemight Mon 24-Feb-14 15:02:29

I was the 'strength' in a dysfunctional family in childhood, which is a bit like you, I felt responsible to a point, for everyone's wellbeing and happiness. You seem to feel responsible for causing everyone's problems, therefore have to fix them.

It is absolutely draining and, of course, impossible do, take on other's problems I mean, or to be responsible for making someone else feel happy. So you have to take a step back and start behaving in a way that feels comfortable to you. Not easy, but funnily enough if you do this everyone around changes their behavior too.

Your mother is your mother, she has her quirks and ways. You are you and have to stop doing things for your mother, if her calls are way too boring devise an excuse to leave, if you are too busy to listen, call when it suit you. Lots of things you will need to think about and change but don't let her browbeat you or guilt you into anything. You are choosing what you want for the first time in your life. Slowly make the changes. In the end you will all be happier.

maggiemight Mon 24-Feb-14 15:04:22

Also, when you improve things your DCs will have a happy DM as an example, your DM is responsible for her relationship with DCs don't make it your job to make it work.

FustJantastic Mon 24-Feb-14 15:07:03

Nothing useful to add other than my mother sounds very similar to yours OP. It's very frustrating and upsetting at times, have you spoken to her about the way she is?

ateddybearfromdelaware1 Mon 24-Feb-14 15:49:57

Wow. I could've written your op. classic narc tendencies. It sucks

ateddybearfromdelaware1 Mon 24-Feb-14 15:51:21

I'm currently reading this:

Twilight23 Mon 24-Feb-14 16:25:49

Cailin I have one younger sibling. She is not nearly as affected as I am. I actually feel resentful that she had a better childhood experience. She insists we had the same treatment but she has let go which is untrue.

Fust my dm is very dramatic and acts like I am trying to take her to an early grave by bringing things up over and over again. Some things she denies. Other things she tells me to leave it.

It is easy for others to tell you to let go. They do not have to deal with the feelings of rejection, guilt, low self worth.

maggiemight Mon 24-Feb-14 17:32:56

Yes, different family members are effected very differently, often the one who everyone pities isn't the one that had it hardest.

It's not easy to let go, you have to develop/discover a new you, a you according to you not according to how you are or were treated by your DM. And don't try to persuade your DSis or DM that what happened was wrong or cruel, pointless, instead persuade yourself that you can find a better life for yourself, thanks very much, just looking after yourself and your DC.

Why is DM so much in your life? My DCs had no DGM living near by and saw them maybe once a year. They are great DCs they don't need a granny. Start reducing contact with her by doing other stuff and being busy. Don't let her guilt you into stuff.

I read a million self help books so maybe you will get some ideas there.

BabyMummy29 Mon 24-Feb-14 17:40:42

My mother never once told me she loved me, never gave me a hug or any emotional support.

When I split from XH she ignored me and totally supported him. Four years on, she is in hospital and he is next-of-kin and has power of attorney over her affairs.

Last night I decided that enough is enough and have decided to go NC with her. She has made endless promises that she will change and never does and has obviously decided that he is more important to her than I am.

I fell great now that I have taken this decision.

ateddybearfromdelaware1 Mon 24-Feb-14 18:25:19

Good for you baby

Twilight23 Mon 24-Feb-14 18:54:52

Dm lives nearby.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff Mon 24-Feb-14 19:01:26

op you have just described my MIL.

I have taken to locking the door and pretending I'm not in. She lives round the corner from me.

She does exactly the same with my bils kids.

I'm gearing up for an argument with her so I can finally go NC. I have been planning all day what I'm going to say. Another day wasted on this rude difficult woman.

It's her, it's all her. Put the responsibility on her toes where it belongs.


BabyMummy29 Mon 24-Feb-14 21:16:20

Good luck Cigarettes

In the end I didn't find it a difficulty decision to go NC. I am waiting for the bleating "But I'm your mother, I'm in hospital" nonsense but it won't wash this time.

What does she add to my life? Absolutely nothing.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff Mon 24-Feb-14 21:39:54

baby shock didn't see your post about him being next of kin to your mum. These people are just beyond the pale.

I've been nc with my own mother six years and it was the best thing I did although from time to time I feel sorry for her

BabyMummy29 Mon 24-Feb-14 21:43:13

He is completely pathetic and needy and laps up all the attention she gives him.

It was affecting my health so, although it's only been 24 hours I feel a lot calmer now.

Cigarettesandsmirnoff Mon 24-Feb-14 21:55:09

I think emotionally fucked people gravitate to each other.

How very inappropriate. I'm surprised at how unhealthy some peoples minds are.

The worst thing is it takes up sooooooo much of my mind space, silently fuming, having imaginary conversations with mil that she is controlling my happiness with out even being here!!!

With my own mother, I do not regret going NC at all. She was a emotional vampire . Reading 'toxic parents' was a real eye opener .

NMFP Tue 25-Feb-14 08:20:53

My mum has never said she loves me. I think she can't.

In adulthood, she hugged me once, when she witnessed for herself what a complete bastard my ex- can be. Come to think of it - I don't remember hugs in childhood either.

I see her a lot because she's a widowed old lady now and she needs help with a lot of stuff. I don't want her behaviour to make me into the kind of person who wouldn't help her now that she needs it, but it makes me feel depressed.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Feb-14 08:32:16

Do you feel you know her as a person OP? Or is she as big a mystery to you on a personal level as you are to her?

dimsum123 Tue 25-Feb-14 09:47:18

I can relate to many of you. I never got cuddles or got told I love you by my mother. But whilst being very distant and detached with me, she was very loving and caring and close to my 2 younger sisters. They were a close knit unit from which I was excluded.

I went NC with my parents and sisters about 7 years ago. My mother has no idea what she did wrong (there was a lot more besides being distant and detached).

She is a mystery to me and she does not know me at all. She never took any interest in me or my life, we never talked, never spent time alone together.

I really miss having a real mother even though I have never had one. I can see other people's mother/daughter relationships and feel such grief that I have never had that and never will. In 7 years of NC my dad has made a little effort to make amends but my mother has never tried to get in touch.

Twilight23 Tue 25-Feb-14 13:55:31

Cogito I feel I am learning about her. As a child I never noticed her neediness. As a teenager I felt she put too much on me and I took on a lot of financial strain. She also depended on me to pay some bills, buy food shopping, take out loans on her behalf.

She was never available for me to confide in her. She did not take an interest in the pop groups I liked, which boys I liked. She was consumed by her own life which was full of money worries and boyfriend troubles.

Since my early 20's I realised how selfish she was and that she would not put herself out for me. For example on moving out I would visit on the weekend and she never offered me a lift home. If I asked she would moan about feeling tired. If her them weasel of a partner called usually tipsy in a pub she would drop everything. I actually hated her then.

I feel indebted to her for having me. No matter what I do I can never repay her. The number of times I sat through stories of "I struggled" "I was depressed" "I put everything into you". For years I wondered why I had been born if my existence brought such misery and suffering.

Twilight23 Tue 25-Feb-14 13:59:11

I think that is why, despite how crap she makes me feel I run to her rescue as I feel I owe her. I struggle to not help even if it means denying myself. I do the same with my sibling. If they ask for money I will provide it yet will never get a manicure/pedicure or do anything for myself.

I have conditioned myself to believe I come last and my needs and wants are of no importance.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 25-Feb-14 14:12:06


She (and your sister) certainly made you feel like that. This is your assigned role to them in your dysfunctional birth family; that of scapegoat for their inherent ills. It is certainly one screwed up dynamic.

It is not your fault that your mother is what could be termed a toxic parent and your sister sounds just as awful (probably as well more favoured by your mother). I would also suggest you look at and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

If they are too toxic/difficult for you to deal with they are the same with regards to your both vulnerable and defenceless children. I would keep your children away from them at all costs.

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